10+ Tips - Learn How To Love Yourself When You Don't Know How

As humans, the word unconditionally is a difficult concept to wrap our heads around. Parents have this immense love for their children, we hopefully have it for our husband and family. But do we have unconditional love for ourselves?

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Before you quickly answer “yes”, take a few minutes to really think about how you treat yourself.

If you struggle with this I can comfort you by letting you know you’re not alone. We are so used to self-loathing, talking ourselves down, comparing ourselves to others – practically destroying our love.

Then we expect ourselves to just as easily pick up the battered pieces of what is left and force a smile to show others how much we love our lives and ourselves.

Who are we kidding?

Nobody. But what I do know is that we aren’t the ones truly suffering from this. It’s never too late to take those shattered pieces and put them together.

Slowly and meticulously one piece at a time.

Being present with each piece.

Spending as much time as needed, never rushing yourself – accepting them for what they are.

Allowing yourself to enjoy, hate, be angry, cry and take it all in. To always be there for the good and the bad.

This is love.

To always be there for the good and the bad.

The unconditional love that we all crave.

That we all desire and long for.

Sometimes the self-examination is too terrifying that we distract ourselves, we tend to ignore it. We are perpetually searching for love, even though it has been inside us all along, just needing the right tools to bring them out.   

Unconditional love is right there. It’s always been there – but how?

How to love yourself when you don’t know how?

1) Get in touch with your artistic self.

This piece of you always wants out. You always want to express yourself. When we are children we allow our artsy self to dictate who we are, what we say and how we spend our free time.

But then we grow up.

We put different expectations on ourselves.

Art is now something we do IF we have free time, instead of living our lives beautifully and with passion it is just becomes practical.

Sometimes we even stop letting our artsy selves do anything in fear of being weird. Other times we don’t allow it because as adults, we see it as a waste of time.

We tend to forget what moves us – we almost forget who we are.

We focus on is work, money and yes these are important and necessary, but there is more to life. It’s the young hearted excited, naive, optimistic and open version of us that gets pushed so far back we almost don’t recognize them anymore.

The artistic self is the one willing to get back up when we fall. It’s not scared of looking funny or stupid but just excited to do what we love and express emotions.

Show love by allowing yourself to be truly who you are with no reservations.

2) Write, and don’t stop writing until you know it.

This is similar to the first point because it could still be considered an art.

Just pour out your raw emotions, let it all out.

What are you scared of?

What are you looking forward to?

What bothers you?

I find that this really gets my deepest frustrations out and I feel rejuvenated afterwards. It helps me to spill my guts, release all the tension and pent up emotions. It’s a restart!

However, sometimes I uncover a secret door I never realized existed. By writing continuously and not stopping to read it, edit or fix it, allows the brain to explode with feelings. It gives me free rain. When I write, I find that one issue which I’ve been tiptoeing around or trying to pretend isn’t there.

After being able to release whatever it is, I’m able to look in the mirror and know I’m no longer lying to myself. It’s a deeper connection I have, to the real me.

There’s a deeper meaning to most things, allow yourself to feel it. Whatever it is.

The reason I want you to write it out is for a couple reasons. One, being that most likely you’re too intimidated to talk to anyone. You always hold back. The feelings recede back inside.

And second, many people are visual people and symbolic. By physically seeing the words written down on paper, it’s no longer as scary. You’ve taken the power away from the problems. The symbolism is that with the words, you are able to throw them out, light them on fire, or dispose of them.

The unconditional love you will find in writing is one that brings out your true self. Just a word of warning, don’t expect magic the first few times you write. Plus, you’ll be conservative because you might feel embarrassed. So be prepared as it may not happen on the first writing session.

Let out all your inner demons and get closer to who you really are and want to be.

What are your true goals in life, what deep passions you have.

3) Come to the Realization

You know what I’m talking about how we promise ourselves that when we make “this much money” or “get the promotion” or “meet your soulmate”.

We’re perpetually in a state of waiting for something.

It’s like we never think what we have is good enough so we make different goals, adjust our dreams.

Once we reach them, the emptiness is still there.

The hope of feeling like “we belong” or “we made it” never came and we are left feeling more confused than ever before.

So we do what we know best and that is to make more goals. Strive for something else. Doing this makes us bitter, angry and the hatred starts to make a stain on our bodies and souls.

Life take its toll.

But what if we just came to the realization that you don’t need that much money, the promotion or meet that person?

What if the realization was that your life is amazing as it is right now.

That you are enough as a person.

Your money, your job, doesn’t describe you and your life.

Your passions, your excitement for life, your love just for being you is what living your best means.

You come to the realization that all you need is just enough – not extra.

You will begin to unconditionally love yourself when you start loving where you are and what you’re doing right now.

Any thing else will breed resentment, jealousy, feelings of failure and other negativity.

Love who you are now.

Love what you’re doing now.

Love where you are now.

This is your path.

You’re not finished, you’ve just begun and be excited for where your path leads you.

4) Don’t be a victim in your own life

Sounds a little harsh I suppose, but I see this so much!

It’s like when bad things happen, they just crumble and fall apart.

Listen, bad things happen to good people.

You might not have had any control over the bad things that happened, but how you react is what you control.

Feeling bad for yourself will be your downfall.

It might feel good, even necessary in the beginning.

People are rewarding this detrimental behavior by giving you the attention you’ve been craving. This can be very confusing because you think that this is love.

You can’t be further from the truth.

True love, unconditional love doesn’t come from manipulation, guilt or feelings of inadequacy. It’s hard to love yourself when you feel stuck. Or that who you are and what you’ve done is disconnected from yourself.

Your life is comprised of your thoughts, feelings and experiences.

What you make of them and how you feel about them will determine how you live your life.

Do you immediately blame others for how you turned out?

Is anything your fault?

Do you own up to anything?

What I’ve found in people who are victims in their own life is that they are constantly searching.

Searching for happiness, searching for Mr.Right, searching for the fairytale life that they deserve.

And you know what kills me?

Is that these women are the ones that seem “to have it all”.

But it’s never enough.

They aren’t happy enough, rich enough, living an exciting life enough.

This is precisely why they will never love themselves unconditionally.

They’re waiting, waiting on others, on outside variables to change. It’s never them that needs to change.

It’s only through being honest with yourself, that will lead to gushing endless love.

It’s easy to get wrapped up in the world of negativity, but the only thing that comes of it is negativity.

And there is no room for negativity in pure love

“Love is the beauty of the soul”

― Saint Augustine