A Little Life – Hanya Yanagihara

A Little Life is a book about four friends from college living in New York. But as the story progresses it becomes more about the suffering and inner turmoil one main character is going through. This is an amazing book which I would highly recommend.

Jude’s Self Harm

(Warning this is full of spoilers and may be triggering to people who struggle with self harm)

The reader first finds out about Jude’s self harm on page 67. Jude wakes up Willem to say that he needs to go to a doctor because he has cut himself. Willem was unaware of Jude’s self harm until Andy (the doctor) says that Jude has been self harming for a while and asks if he seems suicidal.

page 71: Willem looks at Jude’s scars while Jude sleeps. Willem secretly knew about Jude’s self injury because of the fact that Jude always wore long sleeves, however Willem was always afraid to ask.

Page 71- 75  : Malcolm talks to Willem about the fact that Jude always wears long sleeves and that his sister Flora knew a girl who always wore long sleeves because she cut herself. Willem asks Jude if he wants to borrow one of his t-shirts since it’s hot and because his sleeves might get dirty while they cook but Jude comes up with excuses. The next few pages are about the times Willem has wanted to talk to Jude about his self harm but didn’t know how to go about it.

136 : Andy confronts Jude about his last self destructive incident saying that he should’ve committed him or made him go to a therapist. Jude tries to tell Andy that he wasn’t cutting himself in an attempt to end his life. This leads to an argument between them.

138-139 : There is a description of Jude’s scars. Andy and Jude apologise to each other about their argument and they agree to have Andy check Jude’s arms during every check up so that he can keep track of any new cuts.

151 : As a child in the monastery he was was burned on his hand by Father Gabriel. He was overcome with sadness when he saw a bouquet of daffodils in his room that he wanted to tear at himself and rip the scar on his hand. Jude had tantrums and misbehaved knowing that he would get beaten up for it but that he would feel good the morning after.

192 : Jude has been cutting excessively because he is worried that Harold might not want to adopt him if he finds out Jude has STDs. Jude has been cutting so much that he has been cutting off chunks of flesh, he even places the blade on his skin and pushes down as hard as he can (this is described in detail in the book).

193-196 : Andy is aware that Jude has been cutting and losing weight so he has a conversation with Jude to try to calm him down and reassure him that Harold will adopt him. Andy tells Jude what has to eat and that he has to call him whenever he feels like cutting. Jude gets home and does some cleaning late at night before cutting himself. Andy calls Jude aware that he has already cut himself and failed to do what Andy had asked of him. Andy tells Jude if he doesn’t stop he’ll have him committed.

200 : Jude is tempted to cut himself however he calls Andy and they meet at a diner.

208 : Jude finds out Andy told Willem about him cutting himself while Willem was away. Jude and Willem sleep in the same room and for the first time in nearly two decades Jude doesn’t feel the need to cut himself.

226 : Andy called Willem saying that Jude has been cutting himself so much that he is covered in scar tissue. Andy and Willem have an argument over the phone about Jude’s self injury.

252 : Andy finds out Jude wants laser surgery to remove his scars but tells him that the surgery is too risky.

294 : Jude cuts himself in the bathtub at Harold and Julia’s house. It then states that Jude cuts himself every time he sees JB now because he is so upset about what happened.

302 : Jude and William have a heated discussion on the way home from having dinner, once Jude gets home he goes to the bathroom and cuts his arms which are now completely covered in scar tissue so he is forced to cut over healed scars.

306 : When Jude was younger he only ever cut his calves, he did it in a way so they would look like an accident and no one ever noticed it. But now he is scared of being in a relationship because he doesn’t want anyone to see what he has done to himself.

320 : Jude cuts himself and bleeds so much that he can’t hold the razor after Caleb decides not to go to dinner with him because he is in his wheelchair.

325 : Jude has a check up with Andy. Andy is concerned about Jude’s black eye. Andy also says that they need to talk about his cutting, Jude had been cutting more since he started seeing Caleb.

332 : Andy meets up with Jude and tells him that he worries about if he is doing the right thing with Jude. Jude reassures him that he is okay and all he is doing is cutting himself. Andy is relieved to know that Jude wasn’t bruising himself.

356 – 363 : Harold had a plumber in and the plumber found a bag Jude had taped underneath the sink, in the bag was razors and bandages. Harold then goes into the kitchen and asks Jude what the bag was. Jude got worried but Harold continued to ask until Jude said that he needed to cut himself sometimes. This causes Harold to panic so he leaves telling Jude that he has to be there where he get back. Once Harold comes back Jude has cooked a meal. Harold asks why Jude cuts himself and if his friends know that he does it. Jude answers while apologising. Harold got rid of the bag and from then on whenever he went to where Jude was staying he’d find the bag and throw it away, after a while Jude must have found a new place to hide it because Harold stopped finding the bags. Harold called Andy and shouted at him about Jude’s self harm but Andy just asked what to do about it because he was worried too.

384 : Jude has started cutting more and more to try to forget about Caleb but it is not working.

389 : Jude imagines the many ways he could hurt himself to removes his memories of Caleb. He got three blades and held them tightly in his fist until he had blood pouring from his hand. He had started cutting himself a lot and even cut around his scars cutting out chunks of his flesh with the scar tissue on them.

301-393 : Jude contemplates suicide as a way out. He decides who he would write letters to and then eventually it had been a year since the beating and he had decided it was time to end his life. Jude went into the bathroom and made three vertical cuts into each wrist and lay in the bath full of his blood, waiting to die.

414 : Jude cuts himself for the second time since his suicide attempt. The first time he cut himself after leaving hospital he found it painful and had wondered why he did it in the first place but it didn’t take long for him to go back into his self harming ways.

418 – 419 : Jude has been throwing himself into walls to feel “pure”. He realised hurting himself made him feel better after an accident where he fell down a flight of stairs and got injured. Brother Luke told Jude that the clients didn’t like him to be bruised and that he shouldn’t keep throwing himself at walls. Brother Luke told him that instead he should cut himself, he then gave him a bag of bandages, alcohol wipes and razors. Jude tried cutting himself and realised that it made him feel like he had control over his body and helped him feel better.

422 : Police arrive at the motel Jude and Brother Luke are staying at. Brother Luke goes into the bathroom and hangs himself. The police then take Jude away with his belongings except they didn’t bring his bag of razor so he learnt to cut himself with lids from tins.

433 : Willem remembers the doctors saying that Jude’s cuts were the deepest he had ever seen in his career. Willem is shocked by Jude’s story about how he got the scar on his hand.

450 – 451: Caleb dies and Jude cuts himself, Jude has been trying not to cut himself so this is the first time in two months that he has cut himself more than once in one sitting. He cuts himself multiple times.

456: Jude went to bed without a shirt for the first time in front of Willem. Willem put his hand on Jude’s back which causes Jude to cry. Jude then leaves to cut in the bathroom but Willem stops him and embraces him until he has calmed down.

466 – 467: Willem would often look at Jude’s scars at night while Jude was asleep. The scars on Jude’s arms upset Willem the most because they were self-inflicted.

489 – 494: Jude has been cutting more because he is ashamed of the fact that he doesn’t enjoy sex with Willem because he suffered from sexual abuse as a child. Willem and Jude have a fight on night about Jude’s self harm because Willem wanted him to stop. Jude tried to stop hurting himself but every so often he felt the need to do it. Willem began checking his arms everyday. One night Jude makes sure Willem is asleep before going into the bathroom to cut himself. But while he was cutting he looked up and saw Willem standing in the doorway. Willem then went towards Jude and gently took the razor from his hand. Willem then began to cut his chest with the razor, Jude then gets upset and tells him to stop but Willem says “you see what it feels like, Jude?”. Jude begged Willem to stop, after the sixth cut Willem finally stops and slouches down, they bandage their cuts. Willem states that it hurts and asks how Jude can stand the pain, Jude answers saying that he is used to it. Willem asks Jude if he is happy with him and asks why he is cutting so much. Jude says he is afraid that Willem will leave him. Willem says that he won’t and that he wishes Jude would go to hospital to get help for his problems.

498: Willem has left for work so Jude now cuts himself after each of their calls with each other.

506: Willem calls Jude and asks Jude is he is still cutting and Jude says that he only does it twice a week. Willem is pleased with Jude’s improvement.

509 – 510: Jude rubs oil on to his arm and lights it on fire he then pours water over it and rubs salt into it while screaming in pain, eventually he passes out.

511: Jude goes to Andy who is shocked but still cleans and bandages Jude’s arm.

512: Andy starts shouting at Jude asking what happened but Jude refuses to say. Andy calls him crazy and tells him he has a week to tell WIllem or he will do it himself. Andy continues to tell Jude that he is hurting Willem every time he hurts himself.

523 – 524: Andy rings Jude but Willem picks up the phone. Andy asks if he has told Willem yet thinking that Jude has picked up the phone. Willem is confused so Andy tells him to ask about the burn on Jude’s arm. When Jude gets back to the car Willem asks Jude but Jude doesn’t answer. Willem starts shouting and eventually gets Jude to answer.

527 – 529: Willem wakes up to find Jude isn’t in bed, he goes to the bathroom and strips Jude looking for a razor. Eventually he pulls down his trousers and finds six cuts on his legs.

597: Andy tells Jude it’s been a month since he last cut himself because he’s been so consumed by his illness that he hasn’t thought about cutting.

600: Jude cuts himself for the first time in a long time because he is upset about having to get his legs amputated.

620: Willem knows Jude is still cutting but accepts that this is part of who Jude is and that he cannot change it.

642: Jude finds out he was on suicide watch after the accident and wonders why he hasn’t killed himself yet, he has stopped cutting himself because he wants to feel numb.

658: Jude starts cutting himself uncontrollably.

664 – 666: Harold makes Jude promise that he will not try to kill himself again but Jude is finding it difficult to keep the promise as he is becoming suicidal again.

692: Jude dreams he is cutting himself however instead of blood, metal stuffing and horse hair comes out of the wounds.

697: Jude threatens Harold saying that he will kill himself.

717: Jude committed suicide by injecting himself.

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