After Infatuation: When Relationships Get Real (It Isn't What You Think)

The end of the infatuation stage is the first difficult transition in every relationship. At first you love everything about them, but then you really get to know them, and they get to know you.

It's never easy to learn the things you don't like about another person, especially when they were someone you were just recently feeling crazy about. Some relationships don't survive this process, and break up.

One difficult truth is that sometimes relationships end for good reasons. You are able to avoid a train wreck of a relationship before you fully hop on board.

Wouldn't you rather discover that the person you have fallen for is a chronic liar, sociopath, or adulterer who is unwilling or unable to change--before you get married or move in with them?

Thankfully, this is why we have dating, so that you can shop around a little before start a relationship or commit.

You Don't Like What About Me?

As you also become known to your partner, after the infatuation has faded, there may be parts of you that your partner cannot or will not accept.

Maybe they found out about that awful or embarrassing thing you did that time. Maybe you did something to lose their trust. Or maybe they just dislike your quirks that someone else wouldn't mind. If your partner says they absolutely love everything about you, and there isn't something they would change about you, they are most likely lying, or they afraid to tell you the truth for risk of hurting your feelings.

The Most Common Reason For Breaking Up

The main reason that relationships start to fall apart after the infatuation stage is that inevitably, your differences arise. The differences were always there, but they become clearer and the newness and excitement of a new relationship wears off. It's only natural. You are, after all, two different people, no matter how much you "love" each other.

Differences exist between people, but this does not necessarily mean that one person is better than the other. Sometimes people just have different values, lifestyles, personalities, and preferences.

It's not Me, It's You

If certain differences between you and your partner aren't that important to you, and you could accept them and learn to live with them. Or you and your partner could make some compromises for the good of the relationship.

If some of these differences are really important to you, you may not want to accept these differences. That is okay, too. Admitting this to yourself and your partner is usually the most difficult part. This is why so many people frequently lie during a breakup, saying "It's not you...It's me."

Darling, You Must Change

When you are unwilling to accept something about your partner, you typically have two choices:

1) You practice healthy conflict by asking your partner for change and/or compromise

2) You end the relationship

Is It Fixable?

Here are some common differences between partners, which may or may not be resolvable:

• You love talking about your feelings, while your boyfriend hates talking anything "touchy feely"

• Your girlfriend's extroverted, charismatic personality that drew you to her now seems really annoying

• You like saving money, and have no debt, but your boyfriend loves spending money, and has a lot of debt

• You are a vegetarian but your partner is a major carnivore who eats meat at every meal

Maybe you could find a way to compromise on issues like this, but maybe you do not want to, and that is okay, too. You may prefer to find a partner who is simply more like you or shares certain preferences. That is okay, too. Sometimes, however, differences are more extreme than just "preferences". There are also irreconcilable differences, or "dealbreakers".

The 4 Most Common Dealbreakers (for the couples in my counseling practice)

• You have different life goals. Example: You want children, but your partner doesn't.

• You want different lifestyles. Example: You want a lifetime travelling the world while your partner wants to stay in one place

• You have different needs. Example: Sexual activity is important to you, but your partner is asexual or just does not want sex at all.

• You have different core beliefs. Example: You and your partner have certain religious, philosophical, or political differences that one or both of you cannot respect or tolerate

There are infinitely valid reasons to end a relationship, and you are the only person in the world who can decide this for yourself. It is important to say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being alone.

Wants vs. Needs

If you want to foster a truly intimate relationship, after the infatuation stage, at some pointyou will need to figure out what you want vs. what you need:

1. Identify your core, or essential values and "needs" -- the "dealbreakers" and "must have" qualities about a person that are essential from your perspective

2. Identify your more flexible "wants" or "preferences" -- whatyou feel you could compromise in order to make a relationship with the right person work

Your Choices

If you choose to be in any kind of romantic relationship, you are already making a decision every single day to be in that relationship. Although you have no control over whether or not someone stays in a relationship with you, you alone are responsible for your choice to stay or leave a relationship. Blaming a relationship failure on someone else for not being what you want them to be is unfair. You have the opportunity to get to know someone and decide whether or not you want to be with them. Looking at yourself--including the strengths and weaknesses you bring to a relationship--is a much more difficult task.

Beyond choosing a partner, one of the most important choices you will make is how you will act in a relationship. Should you choose to stay in a relationship past the infatuation stage, your chance to achieve real intimacy will be decided mostly by whether or not you choose to be vulnerable--really known--by your partner.