An Open Letter To The Wisconsin Evangelical Lutheran Synod (WELS)

Dear Wisconsin Evangelical Lutheran Synod (WELS),

I have been wanting to write this letter for quite some time and I don’t know why it has taken me this long? Perhaps, it’s because I’ve grown up, I’m confident, I have GRIT, and an amazing full life, so why should I feel compelled to give you my time and energy? I’m writing because it’s time the truth came out about your ignorance. Also, because I received yet another flyer in the mail asking for donations to Saint Croix Lutheran High School after I’ve repeatedly asked to get taken off of the mailing list.

I’m a thriving and successful thirty one year old gay professional, here, in the Twin Cities. I’m extremely happy and proud to be living the life I’ve dreamed of. I’m able to be myself, be authentic, and be surrounded with genuine and loving people who accept me for who I am.

Acceptance of this nature is still something I’m getting used to. I grew up and was raised WELS my entire life until I was nineteen. I did WELS day school, WELS summer programs, I was a youth leader in my church, I attended Saint Croix Lutheran High School and was actively involved. I basically studied scripture non stop from preschool up until I graduated high school. I helped give messages in chapel to the student body, I went on a mission trip to the Dominican Republic, and I tried to find acceptance throughout this whole experience. I grew up hearing from teachers, pastors and from the church that being gay is bad. Being gay is a sin and I need to repent and repress it. Do you know what it feels like growing up always knowing you were different? Do you realize that I always felt like there was a cinder block on my chest because I was so scared to come out or be found out? I prayed….and prayed….and prayed….for my “gayness” to be taken away. Let me tell you something: Praying the gay away doesn’t work!

I remember it being ingrained in all the students to continue on to either go to Martin Luther College or Wisconsin Lutheran College. Women would be teachers, and men would be either a teacher or a pastor. This is what was embedded in my being my whole life and this is what I thought I would do. I was enrolled to go to Martin Luther College to start the pastor track. I still remember all the looks of happiness and words of encouragement I received from my friends, teachers and pastors. After the buzz of choosing a college wore off I realized I was going to be in for a horrible life if I stayed on that track, and would be even unhappier than I already was. Not only would I be a pastor, I’d be a miserable closeted gay pastor! A hypocrite!

I didn’t end up going MLC to end up being a pastor. The WELS, as most Lutherans know, is the most conservative sect of Lutheranism. You can’t pray or congregate with people from other churches, women cannot hold a leadership role over men (dismissing them from being a pastor), and the sanctity of marriage is between one man and one woman. I tell people how I was raised, and yes, it was a strict, homophobic, misogynistic and a very conservative bubble. Time and time again we were taught if someone who is gay doesn’t repent of and repress their sin THEY ARE GOING TO HELL. It’s not acceptable to be gay and live your life as gay. Living a gay life would be horrible and I’d burn in hell with criminals, murderers and unbelievers.

Since you don’t know me, I am a proud member of the LGBTQIA community. I’ve known I was gay since I was eight years old. Even though I knew I was gay it made me become smart out of fear. I knew that if I came out during my schooling and upbringing I’d be shunned. All my friends and much of my family were WELS and affiliated with the church. It was my upbringing, who I was, it was my world. The whole time I was trying to stay inside of the conservative church bubble but always knew I was different. All the negativity, hate, talks of fire and condemnation made me detest myself.

I ended up going to hair school and I came out when I was nineteen years old. I finally found the courage to get that damn cinder block off my chest. Doing hair did not make me gay, and if anyone in the WELS thinks that it did I think you need to reevaluate and brush up on the scientific and psychological studies regarding human sexuality. Being in the hair industry helped me be comfortable in an atmosphere that was far different than the rigid one I had grown up in for all my life. I realized there was, and is, life outside the WELS. I decided I was done taking the emotional and spiritual abuse from the WELS. I couldn’t suffer anymore I made the tough choice to leave the church and face the rejection of everyone I knew: all my friends and even my family. On one hand I felt the cinder block of anxiety was lifted off my chest because my “secret” wasn’t a secret anymore. On the other hand I asked myself, “Is life really worth living if this is how it is going to be for me?”. I contemplated driving down embankments, into telephone poles and committing a suicide that was swift and “painless”. I prayed to God for help, but how could he help me if he let me be in this mess to begin with?

After coming out I received so many emails, and messages and voicemails from church member friends threatening me that things would happen if I didn’t repent or meet with a pastor. I got pulled from my good friend’s WELS wedding, I was uninvited to my best friend’s WELS wedding. I endured the rejection from literally almost all my friends I’d had for years, rejection from my parents, and to top it all off I was excommunicated from the church I was baptized in. Such loving gestures. The person everyone thought they knew was gone and the person I now was, wasn’t enough. Going through that was a rough time. It really was. How many of my WELS friends and mentors embodied the love the Christ and offered me support right away? NONE! I have grown to have a thick skin, but repetitive and constant words of damnation and condemnation are never fun.

I’ve grown up a lot since that day nearly 12 years ago. I’m realizing I’m a very lucky and fortunate man to be able to still be here writing this today. I’m glad I didn’t take my life after I felt my WELS walls were crumbling. I’ve surrounded myself with a network of GREAT people and I’m eternally grateful for that small handful of friends that really helped me through. My family eventually came around, and have even become advocates for social justice.

I struggled for two thirds of my life with how to deal with the hate, backlash and judgement. I stood up for myself and found support from my family, my friends, my work, my mentors. If you’re WELS and afraid to come out, just know I am here for you, thinking of you and not judging you.

WISCONSIN EVANGELICAL LUTHERAN SYNOD if you get anything from this letter it is this: LOVE > HATE/IGNORANCE. Actions speak louder than words.There is a reason your synod is dwindling. Are you really embodying the love of Christ or are you so stuck in your traditional ways you’re going to be okay being the root cause of potential LGBTQIA suicides or attempted suicides down the road? Just a thought.

People can change, friendships can change, family can change, TRADITIONS can change.

The world is my beautiful oyster, even without the WELS.

Sincerely, Matty

P.S. Please, for the 100th time just take me off your mailing list!!!!!

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