Apart From "Summer Holiday", Which Is The Worst Song Ever Recorded?

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STAGE AND SCREENApart from "Summer Holiday", which is the worst song ever recorded?

  • HAS ANYBODY but me actually heard the B side of Norman Greenbaum's 'Spirit in the sky'? ( Look, it was a long time ago and it was bought for me, OK?). It's the classic "Jethro's got himself a milk cow" - obviously sung by the cow in question. I believe Norman bought himself a dairy farm with the royalties.

    Andy Farley, Liverpool ([email protected])

  • THE WORST song has to be Candle in the Wind, Mark 2. The first version, about Norma Jean (Marilyn) lyrically uses the analogy of a fluttering candle blown in all directions by the changing winds, pointing out the difficulties of life as an icon. The second version, somehow, makes the candle a symbol of constancy never fading when the rain comes in. The absurdity is compounded when trying to listen to the sugary remainder cobbled together too quickly and pompously.

    Paul Keenan, ([email protected])

  • WHERE do I start? How about the various songs going round at the moment which rip off various existing tunes and put new words, usually by rap 'artists' (missing c shurely). Those currently circulating include reworked versions of: Every breath you take by the Police, Golden Brown by the Stranglers and (most bizarrely) Pachabel's Canon. Also, this morning on Radio 1 I was unfortunate enough to catch a bland soul pastiche of Money Can't Buy Me Love, originally by someone called The Oasis or something. Finally however, the nadir for any song must be an appearance on Radio 2's "Sing Something Simple", to which I am afraid my father regularly listens. Hearing the Cliff Adams singers and their accordian player mauling standards is a truly flesh-crawling experience. Anyone ever heard of The Swingle Singers?

    Mike Cryan, Newcastle Upon Tyne ([email protected])

  • MY MOTHER says that it is "MacArthur Park." Due to a good mental block, she is not able to remember who it is sung by.

    D Howden, Yakima, WA, USA ([email protected])

  • SURELY "Ebony and Ivory" by Paul McCartney. What a magnificent advancement of racial harmony wrapped up in the most sickeningly platitudinous tones!

    Andy Smith, Sussex ([email protected])

  • TIPTOE Through The Tulips, performed in ghastly falsetto by the unlamented Tiny Tim.

    David Lewis, Prevessin-Moens, France.

  • IT HAS to be Mouldy Old Dough by Lieutenant Pigeon. These 1970s misfits were so far removed from pop performers of the day that they even had one of the band's mothers on keyboards.

    Norman Morrison, Peterborough.

  • I REMEMBER a Kenny Everett radio programme several years ago which invited listeners to vote for the worst record ever. Long-Haired Lover From Liverpool by Little Jimmy Osmond was beaten into second place by The Shufting Whispering Sands sung, or rather intuned, by Eamon Andrews. If there is a worse song I hope I don't hear it.

    Brian Gunn, Sompting, W Sussex.

  • THIS PULLOVER by Jess Conrad would be my nomination. "This pullover that you gave to me/ I am wearing and wear it constantly./ Soft and warming like your love for me/ it was made, dear, like you were made for me", and so on ... At the same time surely anything penned by Ringo Starr deserves mention.

    Dave Hastings, Wood Green , London N22.

  • FAIRYTALE Of New York by the Pogues and Kirsty MacColl, which features the memorable lines: "You scumbag/ you maggot/ you lousy old faggot/ Happy Christmas my arse/ I hope this is our last."

    Bob Heys, Rippond e n, Halifax.

  • "FIND Mister Zebedee! Kind Mister Zebedee! Here's where he said he'd be . . ." followed by some guff about caring schoolkids searching for their retiring teacher so they can present him with a token of their esteem - all sung in the style of a herd of elephants on happy pills. It was played ad nauseam on Radio Luxembourg around 1971.

    Chris Davies, Ilford, Essex.

  • WHEN we couldn't get a seat in the pub, we used to play Oh Superman by Laurie Anderson on the jukebox. It worked every time. The runner-up has to be Lucky Star by Dean Friedman.

    A James, Powys.

  • ACCORDING to Aldous Huxley it must be Mammy, as sung by Al Jolson in The Jazz Singer movie of 1927. Huxley said: "My flesh crept as the loud speaker poured out those sodden words, that greasy sagging melody. I felt ashamed of myself for listening to such things for even being a member of the species to which such things are addressed."

    R Allem, Chevington, Suffolk.

  • I OWN a copy of the original tape from Kenny Everett's 1978 World Worst Record show, when the Top Five was as follows: 1) I want my baby back - Jimmy Cross; 2) Wunderbar - Zarah Leander; 3) Paralysed - The Legendary Stardust Cowboy; 4) The Shifting Whispering Sands - Eamonn Andrews; 5) Transfusion - Nervous Norvus.

    Maria Monks, Doncaster.

  • TIPTOE Through The Tulips is not really such a bad song; it is only that the squawking, freakish, Tiny Tim ruined it as he would any number he attempted. When sung in the music halls, it came over quite pleasantly. The worst songs are the those without a decent tune, coupled with banal words - as almost any "musical" in the West End will testify.

    Terry Mullins, London N7.

  • THE WORST songs are those which sell the most and have the most commercial hype around them. The Spice Girls, Backstreet Boys, East 17, Take That, Boyzone or any other mass-produced groups created by record companies to appeal to 12-year-old girls are just as guilty as Mr Blobby, Cliff Richard, The Children of Dunblane and any other shameless Christmas-Number-One moneyspinners. Incidentally, the verse in Fairytale of New York is actually: "You scumbag/ you maggot/ you cheap lousy faggot/ Happy Christmas your arse/ I pray God/ it's our last" and has to be the best Christmas song ever written.

    Ben Cooper, Glasgow ([email protected])

  • "BAD House Music", the B-side of Yazz and the Plastic Population's hit single "The Only Way is Up", is exactly as bad as it sounds. Another one to miss is B.A. Robertson's "Ceud Mile Failte", the song of the 1986 Commonwealth Games.

    Christian Weeks, ([email protected])

  • THERE'S a song by Paul McCartney on the Pipes of Peace album, which begins with the appalling verse: "I know I was a crazy fool/for treating you the way I did/but something took a hold of me/and I acted like a dustbin lid." In my book, that takes some beating.

    Stephen Hardwick, ([email protected])

  • I AGREE that it has to be "The Legendary stardust cowboy". The song is so bad that it is cool.

    Knut Narvestad ([email protected]) ,

  • THE SONG that used to grate was Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep by a bunch of no-hopers called Middle of the Road. It was dire.

    Tony Lees, ([email protected])

  • SURELY the worst recording of all time (though I haven't heard the Eamonn Andrews one) must be Give Peace a Chance, by John Lennon and the Plastic Ono Band, whoever they were. I once had it running through my head for two whole days. Ghastly.

    Steve Owen, ([email protected])

  • STEVE OWEN says he suffered for two days with Give Peace a Chance in his head. Luxury. I ask myself how many have suffered the torment of YEARS with the relentless I Just Called to Say I Love You by Stevie Wonder. I can hear it now. And there's nothing I can do to stop it.

    Tim Nolan, ([email protected])

  • "THE LAUGHING policeman" generally makes people want to break valuables, as do most of those songs that went on air on Radio one on Sunday mornings, for example, "Don't jump off the roof dad" or "My Bruvver".

    Ben Singleton ([email protected]),

  • GRANDMA, by St Winnifred's Choir (I think) - it was sickening. Also Orville, about that stupid yellow duck. Finally Agadoo by Black Lace. Need I go on?

    Roxanne, Harrow ([email protected])

  • I REMEMBER a pretty dreadful country song on Radio 2 from a festival of similar stuff, but this one stood out and I've unfortunately never quite been able to forget it. It was called "Daddy's Hands" and the chorus went, "soft and warm when I was crying, hard as iron when I'd done wrong, Lord I still remember Daddy's hands". I don't suppose anyone out there can tell me who sang it, or even worse, complete my misery by filling in some gaps in the lyrics?

    Luke Downs, Parksville, B.C., Canada ([email protected])

  • THE WORST song I have heard recently is "Look up my File" the B-side to "I can't help myself" by The Kelly Family. The pause at the 17th second is one of the greatest moments in musical history.

    Andy Flower, Bristol, UK ([email protected])

  • ON THE GROUNDS that such talented people should have done so much better, I nominate "Love Me Do" by The Beatles. Bloody awful.

    Jerry Strachan, ([email protected])

  • THE ABSOLUTE pits is "Mammy Blue". I don't remember who sang it, but the lyrics have definitely stuck with me "Oh mammy, mammy mammy blue, oh mammy blue" throughout the entire song. Try listening to THAT for five minutes! I must say whoever wrote it must have really wracked their brains over the words.

    Amanda Cooper ([email protected]),

  • I REMEMBER hearing the timeless refrain "calling occupants of interplanetary, most extraordinary craft" while waiting in a queue in a sandwich bar and thinking "Wow! this takes the cake." I believe the song is by the Carpenters, but I couldn't tell you the title. But believe me, I have been living in France for two years now, and none of the songs cited so far can compete with the merde the poor French listen to every day. And the real tragedy is they don't even realise it's merde! Almost anything by Vironique Sanson or Michel Jonasz beats all your other nominations hands down. As for Ringo Starr, I have to stand up for "Octopus's Garden" - OK, the lyrics are not great philosophy, but I've always had a soft spot for it. As does my four-year-old son. And as some wise man once said, Wittgenstein was a crap guitarist.

    Scott Steedman, ([email protected])

  • IT HAS to be "Achy Breaky Heart" by Billy Ray Cyrus. Hearing this song, when it was on the charts a couple of years ago, made me alternately want to slit my own wrists or those of the people responsible for its release. It's even worse than "MacArthur Park" (which is quite hideous), that lemon tree song (I don't know the name) or anything by the Spice Girls. If any music is the work of the devil, it is surely country music.

    John Beatty, Ithaca, NY, ([email protected])

  • HAVING listened to Ed "Stewpot" Stewart on Radio 1 as a child I can sympathise with Ben Singleton -- I found the words to "My Bruvver" drifting through my head last night whilst bathing the kids (aarg! There it goes again!). My own nominations would be "No Charge", circa 1978 by a (deserved) unknown and the killer: "Deck of Cards"; Wink Martindale or Max Bygraves, take your pick, they're as bad as each other.

    Keith Nichol, Fairlight, Australia ([email protected])

  • THE B-SIDE of Deep Purple by Nino Tempo & April Stevens is titled "I've Been Carrying a Torch for You So Long I've Burned a Great Big Hole in My Heart". It's one of the worst I've had the misfortune to hear.

    Mark Davis, Middletown, Ohio, USA ([email protected])

  • THE SUGGESTION that the worst music is that which is "manufactured and commercial" and "designed to appeal to 12-year-old girls" cannot go unchallenged. It is an atrociously snobbish attitude sadly prevalent in the letters pages of many music magazines. While the Spice Girls have been responsible for the excellent Wannabe and the supposedly talentless Take That made the equally great Back For Good, supposedly cooler (and usually better) bands like Oasis have made The Verve and The Ston. The suggestion that "the worst music is the most popular" is so snobbish, however, that it does not warrant a reply.

    Simon Keal, Leicester, ([email protected])

  • I'M SORRY to have to prove you all wrong, but only I hold the true answer to this query. This song is far too long. It is played far too often in too many pubs all over the world. People sing it badly, which makes it worse ... if that's possible. It was written by a talentless simpleton who also wrote a similarly life-sapping song about an artist. Can you tell what it is yet? We're talking American Pie here. Even the fact that on the picture sleeve Don MacLean has a stars and stripes painted on his thumb (Why?!!) is annoying. But the song is such an insipid, blood-curdling sick-inducing piece of nonsense that listening to it, and drunken students singing to it, really does lower the quality of life in a fundamental and perhaps irreversible way. Ironically, it was the day this disgraceful record was released that the music really died. MacLean has a lot to answer for.

    J Milne, Edinburgh, Scotland

  • IT HAS already been said that most of Ringo Starr's songs are truly awful. There is, however, one that stands out as being particularly appalling. It's called 'Husbands and Wives', and the chorus, sung rather too often in a dirge-like voice, goes "It's my belief pride/ Is the chief cause/ In the decline/ In the number/ Of husbands and wives." I'm just waiting for a song inspired by statistics on false insurance claims.

    Philip Howell, Birmingham ([email protected])

  • I THOUGHT I had heard them all, then this morning I heard Sean Connery singing (actually he was talking) the Beatles' "In my life". Terry Wogan eat your heart out!

    Kevin O'Meara, Saffron Walden, Essex ([email protected])

  • "MACARTHUR PARK" (Richard Harris) is bad - but even worse is Paul Anka's "You're Having My Baby".

    Jon Barrett, Kensington, MD ([email protected])

  • BEFORE reading your replies to this question (I don't mind Summer Holiday - apart from the dreadful rappy version which was around circa 1990), I compiled a short list and was glad to see 'Achy Breaky Heart' and 'No Charge' included. However, two truly dreadful songs are missing, to wit 'Teddy Bear' by Red Sovine and 'Darling' sung by somebody whose name escapes me, which has great words such as 'Darling, I'm feeling pretty lonesome / I'd call you on the phone some / but I don't have a dime' All

    Dave Poole, Eastbourne ([email protected])

  • I can't recall its name, or the name of the singer, but you will almost certainly remember the song's first line, filled as it was with the promise of great things to come: 'Gonna write a classic'. Alas, our expectations, and the writer's credibility, were in tatters by the time he moved on to line 2: 'Gonna write it in the attic.'

    Kevin Mills, New Malden

  • Where do I start? For years I thought it had to be "Let's all chant" by The Michael Zagar Band but that was until I heard "I've never been to me" by someone called "Charlene". I challenge all budding lyricists to come up with anything worse than the chorus - "I've been to paradise but I've never been to me" - and sociologists to explain why its so popular amongst young women at karaoke bars. Also a dishonourable mention must go to Joe Dolce for "Shaddup You Face"

    Guy Hearn, Sydney, Australia

  • Sounds almost unbelievable I know, but a friend of mine once had a Leonard Nimoy CD. On some tracks, such as "If I had a hammer", he sang. On others he talked to sweeping violins. The worst of all though was the surreal "Ballad of Bilbo Baggins" which was a short bio of said Bilbo. Truly bad.

    Peter Gauld, Hong Kong

  • The Safety Dance by Men Without Hats -" We can dance / we can dance / everybody look at your hands." Indeed.

    Chris Ainsworth, Northampton

  • Duke of Earl, from about '63, Transfusion (by Nervous Norvus), 50s, and some country/western oldies, I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying on My Back in My Bed While I Cry Over You, also, Bony Fingers, and the classic, I'd-a Wrote You a Letter But I Couldn't Spell (raspberry noise), And That's All I Got To Say.

    Paulette Jones, Salinas, California, USA

  • May I add that, as US products go, probably no hit song was more pointless or dreadfully conceived than Jimmy Dean's "Big Bad John" of the early 1960s. This held the trophy for dreadfulness until it was surpassed by the horrid lyrics and tune of the popular "Isn't She Lovely?". At least the first contender was not intended to be serious!

    Elizabeth Melillo, New York City, USA

  • I nominate Rick Springfield's "Jessie's Girl", purely for the lyric: "I want to tell her that I love her, but the point is probably moot."

    Rhys, Sydney, Australia

  • "Where do you go to, my lovely" by Peter Sarstedt. Makes me want to deafen myself with a knitting needle.

    Harry, Bristol, England

  • Hard to believe no-one has yet nominated "Honey" by Bobby Goldsboro; so I guess I'll have to do it.

    David Vickery, Croydon, UK

  • Lyrically there is the apalling: "I take a shower, I will scour, I will run" from the terrible "Amazing Grace" cover "Never Ever" by All Saints. The new one by Mel C takes the cake though addressing the plight of the homeless she manages: "I could not live without my phone, but you don't even have a home" Sometimes charity is no excuse!

    Katya Williams, London

  • Personally -'Patches' by Clarence Carter .."then one day a strong rain came and washed all the crops away.." absolutlely awful. Of course I can reduce my wife to a screaming wreck by merely threatening to play "I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me" by Charlane. So much to choose from, so little time.

    Johnny Muzak, Brisbane Australia

  • One enormous hit that demonstrated the public's bad taste to the limit was "The Name Game," of which I've mercifully forgotten the name of the singer. The brilliant lyrics were such as "Shirley, Shirley, Bo-birley - Banana, fanna, fo, Firley..."

    Elizabeth M, New York US

  • The song referred to earlier was 'Darlin'' by Frankie Miller, and apart from the awful rhyme mentioned is actually ok, if not worthy of Frankie's voice.

    Jason Sniggs, Dumbarton Scotland

  • Surely the lyric " I''m afraid of a ghost it''s the sight I fear most, think I''ll have a piece of toast and watch the evening news" from Des''rees'' song Life,oh,Life deserves a mention. The chorus is quite catchy but these lyrics are inexcusable. Also anything sung by the scouts, guides etc. purgatory.

    Alex, Middlesbrough

  • If we're getting on to bad lyrics then what can top this line from Toto's Africa; "I know I must do what's right, sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti." Imagine the mind of someone who conjures up such a contrived image.

    Edward, Reykjavik, Iceland

  • You are all wrong, It has to be THE MUSIC MAN which I think is by Black Lace. Pee-a pee-a pee-an- OH for the love of god stop.

    Nathan, Milton Keynes Bucks

  • Think anything by DJ Otzi deserves a mention....

    faye, manchester england

  • How about 'That Was Then But This is Now' by Sheffield band ABC? It contains the lyrics 'Can't complain, musn't grumble/Help yourself to another piece of apple crumble'. Crikey.

    Paul keelagher, Port Melbourne, Australia

  • To judge by the profusion of answers to this question, every song ever written qualifies for the description; worst. Of course, Franz Schubert's songs should be excluded from this generalisation. As should Schumann's, Hugo Wolf's; I could go on…

    Pete Wigens, Stroud, Glos UK

  • William Shatner's version - if it can be called that, of John and Paul's "Lucy in the Sky". Capt. Kirk really took this classic where no man has "blandly" gone before.

    Daniel Lillford, Bridgetown. Nova Scotia Canada

  • 1. You Light Up My Life 2. You Are the Wind Beneath My Wings 3. And these deathless lyrics: "Don't be concerned, it will not harm you, It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of. Across my dreams with nets of wonder, I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love."

    James, Bristol, RI USA

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