Be There - Be There Golden Rule #2 - Show You Care

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THE GOLDEN RULES

• Say What You See
• Show You Care
• Hear Them Out
• Know Your Role
• Connect to Help

• Be There For Yourself

• Calls to Action

Sometimes just knowing someone is there for you can make a world of difference.

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Showing you care can create a safe environment for that person, allowing them to open up and feel comfortable enough to talk things through. Part of being there for someone is also finding practical ways to help them get through their day to day life.

Create a safe environment

Everything you do and say is a little clue to the people around you as to how approachable and trustworthy you are. Being critical of someone (like their weight/clothing/accent etc.) might suggest that you’ll also be judgemental of someone’s mental health struggle. Being inclusive, compassionate, helpful, and a good listener in your daily interactions signals to others that you care about people and you’re a safe person to reach out to.

Actions speak louder than words

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Telling someone you’re there for them is a good first step. Even if you don’t know what to say, just shoot them a text to let them know you’re thinking about them. It’s also helpful to show you care through your tone of voice, body language and your actions.

When hanging out, put away your phone and look them in the eye. Ask to give them a hug, put a hand on their shoulder, or hold their hand (if appropriate!). Don’t rush the conversation; ensure you have enough time to show that you’re prioritizing them. Offer practical help like making dinner, giving someone a ride, or running errands for them.

Wali & Fariha

Lost in Translation

Lost in Translation | Wali & Fariha

“Because of the cultural gap, my parents didn’t understand how to support me at first.” Fariha immigrated to Canada from Pakistan as a young mother, bringing with her a particular idea of success and cultural values that she hoped to pass on to her son Wali. As Wali grew older, these ideals sometimes clashed with his passions and dreams for his life in Canada. Wali had his heart set on being a poet while Fariha hoped he would become a doctor or engineer – professions that from her experience in Pakistan would ensure Wali had a good life.

As Wali explains, “What gets lost in translation is that when you put such high expectations on your kids, the anxieties that you have slowly start translating into the anxieties that your kids have.” But Wali persevered. Eventually, he invited his mom to come see him perform. Fariha recalls that day as one of the proudest moments of her life, and has been supporting Wali ever since. Wali recalls, “I’m happy I got to openly talk to her about all these things. I feel like I’m her best friend and I can tell her anything.”

Practical everyday support

Life is busy. We all get overwhelmed from time to time, even under the best of circumstances. Finding ways to help a struggling friend get through their day-to-day can be a huge weight off their shoulders and can sometimes be the best way to show you care.

Some practical examples:

Give someone a lift or lend them your bike or transit pass.

Take a few chores off their plate.

Make them a meal or bring them their favourite food.

Write out the questions they have for their doctor.

Offer to go with them to an appointment or to pick up their prescriptions.

Help them organize finances, complete paperwork and keep track of appointments.

Offer to share notes if you have a class together.

Visit them at their home, or in the hospital.

Shawn & Shaiya

Tough love

Tough love | Shawn & Shaiya Moving to a new country and finding your way around a new school all while undertaking a PhD is no easy feat. Lucky for Shawn, Shaiya, an upper year PhD student, took him under her wing. Shaiya became a mentor for Shawn, helping him learn the ropes in the lab, editing his papers, and even having him over for Christmas dinner. Shaiya saw potential in him and helped him by showing she cared and supporting him through many transitions with her no-nonsense, straightup tough love.

Figure out what support they need

Everyone is different so it’s important to ask how you can help and then really listen to what they say. Make sure that the ways you offer to help are what they need, not what you think they need or what you would want someone to do for you. It’s easy to assume you know what they need, but it’s crucial that you ask!

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Someone may want to talk, another might want you to get them a glass of cold water. Some people are able to articulate what they need, while others may only show signs of how you can help in which case you can offer some suggestions. If you want to know how to support someone, just ask. And it never hurts to check back in every so often and ask again.

Henry & Nightingale

Under Pressure

Under Pressure | Henry & Nightingale

“I was taught to be a model son, a model husband, a loving father.” Henry was going through a tumultuous year when he and Nightingale became friends. Societal and cultural expectations pressured Henry to stay positive and push through, even while struggling with depression and anxiety. This pressure to keep it together weighed heavily on Henry. He couldn't handle his daily responsibilities and was no longer even enjoying spending time with his daughter. That's when he opened up to his boss about what he was going through. Since then Henry has been an advocate for open conversation about mental health. Reflecting on that time, Henry emphasizes, "No one needs to hide that kind of stuff."

Questions from the community

What can I do to help life continue on as usual?

What can I do to help life continue on as usual?

Listen, be flexible, and prioritize relationships over routine. Struggling with your mental health or living with a mental illness can be isolating. Sometimes symptoms such as social anxiety, panic attacks, low energy or being easily overwhelmed might limit the types of activities someone can do or places they can go. For others, the stigma of mental illness creates feelings of fear or embarrassment that affect how someone experiences life while struggling with their mental health. Being there for someone is about helping a fellow human, even if it changes up your regular routine. E.g. Maybe you love watching movies together, but public transit and crowds at the theatre are just too much today; that’s ok, stream something from the couch! E.g. Maybe your friendship is built on sports, but lack of appetite and low energy means pickup basketball isn’t in the cards today. Find another way to be active like going for a walk or get your fill of sports by watching tonight’s game on TV. You could even find a new common interest you both like. One last thing; sometimes a change can do you good! Maybe you don’t want life to continue on as usual, maybe this is a chance to shake things up and make a change that is good for your mental health and theirs. It could look like slowing down, surrounding yourself with positive influences or prioritizing self care - just to name a few! Copy Answer How do I offer support without sounding condescending?

How do I offer support without sounding condescending?

Know your role. People come across as patronizing or condescending when they assume they have all the answers. This is multiplied when they try to fix the situation or the person. To avoid coming off this way you’ll need to check your ego and your assumptions at the door, and let the person you want to support show you what they need. This will look different in every situation; some people know and will be able to articulate what they need, while others may only show signs of how you can help and will need some discussion to uncover the specifics. The only way to know what someone needs is to ask. Copy Answer What if they have a panic attack?

What if they have a panic attack?

Someone having a panic attack will experience physical symptoms (e.g. shortness of breath, sweating, trembling, or racing pulse) and psychological symptoms (e.g. extreme fear, a sense of being out of control, or feeling removed from their body.) Though incredibly distressing and uncomfortable, panic attacks can and do subside with time, typically within 10 minutes to 1 hour. If someone is having a panic attack, you can support them by doing the following:

1. If you can, bring the person to a quiet place where they can have some privacy and sit or lie down.
2. Encourage them to breathe slowly. You can ask them to breathe with you and match your pace of breathing.
3. Listen. Don’t judge. Remain calm.
4. Explain that they might be having a panic attack but that it’s not life threatening, and that it will pass.
5. Stay with them and reassure them until their symptoms subside.
6. Follow up. Once they’re feeling better, ask them if there was something you could have done to better support them.

It can be hard to tell the difference between a heart attack and a panic attack since many of the symptoms are the same. Heart attacks aren’t common in young people but if someone having a panic attack also has a heart condition or has had a heart attack in the past, call 9-1-1 or emergency services to get them checked out. If they have no concerns about their blood pressure or heart health, help them calm down and if the symptoms of their panic attack don’t subside call 9-1-1 or emergency services. Copy Answer What if they live far away?

What if they live far away?

Don’t let distance stand in the way of showing someone you care. Pick one of the bazillion ways of communicating and commit to staying in touch. If words aren’t your thing, get creative with ways to show you care:

• Send a care package.
• Order them a surprise pizza delivery.
• Share pictures and videos to keep one another up to date on your lives.
• Plan a trip to go see them or invite them to visit you.
• Help them connect to resources and the community around them.

Copy Answer See more How to be a good listener

You’ve started the conversation, they know you care, now it’s time to listen. Learn how to Hear Them Out.

NEXT GOLDEN RULE

Hear Them Out

3/5 In an emergency:

This is not a site for personal disclosure of mental health distress, suicidal thoughts or behaviours. If you are in crisis, please call a helpline, 9-1-1 or emergency services or go to your nearest emergency department for assistance.

If someone’s thoughts or behaviours threaten the safety of themselves or others, then this is what’s called a mental health crisis. Call a helpline, 9-1-1 or emergency services. If someone has recently hurt themselves, but is no longer in danger, follow Be There’s Golden Rules and connect them to resources in their area.

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