Considering Moving My Mother To A Different Care Home...

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You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.You should upgrade or use an alternative browser. Need urgent support? You're not alone. The forum is a safe, peer-to-peer space where you can connect with others who understand what you’re going through. Please remember, it’s not a substitute for professional advice or support. If you believe someone is at immediate risk, call 999 right away. For trusted information and guidance, visit our help and support section. You can also speak to our Dementia Support Line on 0333 150 3456. View Support Line hours. Considering moving my mother to a different care home...

• Thread starter Takemewithyou
• Start date Jul 15, 2013

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Takemewithyou

Registered User

Mar 10, 2011 62 0 Hi, Does anyone have any experience of moving a relative from one care home to another? I am on my own with this situation and my head is spinning from trying to decide if this is a good idea or not. I haven't yet started to look at other care homes, but I feel I'm now better equipped to look out for the right things when viewing care homes. As opposed to 3 years ago, when I was in a blind panic when viewing them and was taken in by a smiling manager and good size rooms.... My mother has had her yearly assessment from the council and, at last, someone has agreed that there are some concerns with my mothers basic care, (cleanliness, filthy nails, left with no bra regularly and as she's very large chested-this is a big problem both for her comfort and for her appearance, always wearing wrong specs, wrong teeth, clothes need to be replaced regularly as they're lost despite name being written on them, wearing dirty clothing from the day/days before). I realise some of these issues will go hand in hand with dementia (such as the wrong teeth/specs), as residents will put items down and someone else will pick them up, it's the lack of interest in trying to find the specs/teeth that is concerning. The woman from the council has spoken to the home too and has been told the same as they tell me, that my mother 'isn't always receptive to the staff' and they've brought out the old gem of night staff blame day staff and vice versa. Seems like no one is directly accountable. She's asked the home to from now on document everything regarding her personal care and will be checking to see if things have improved in approximately one month. I've been considering moving her for some time but am reluctant due to how distressed she will probably become. She's been in her current home for 3 years and will, to some extent, have settled into routines/familiar faces. I'm trying to weigh up moving her to possibly a better care home against leaving her here to avoid upsetting her too much. My mother is 73 and is fairly well at the moment. She may live many more years. Is it worth the risk of moving her, to give her better care in her last years? Please keep in mind that I'm thinking of moving her for improvement to her care. Is this a good enough reason to risk sending her mental state into further decline? K

KentJude

Registered User

Jul 2, 2012 177 0 Maidstone Hello yes it's a very difficult dilemma for you. I've been in a similar position as I have sole responsibility for my mum's care, I moved her a couple of times. Very stressful, I feel for you! It was different in that mum was self funding so I didn't have to consult social services. She wasn't - apparently - distressed by changes in surroundings or carers. She was late stage AD though. However, I found that although the new homes were better in some ways they weren't so good in others. In fact I never found anywhere good enough for mum, unfortunately. What you could do is ask other TP members in your area to PM you with recommendations of homes. That's probably your best bet. Wishing the best solution for your mum, Jude T

Takemewithyou

Registered User

Mar 10, 2011 62 0 my mother is self funding too... Hang on, my mum is self funding too... Does that mean that I don't have to consult Social Services? Did you move your mother without their involvement? This hasn't been mentioned to me. I just automatically thought that the had to be involved in the decision as they are the 'professionals' in this situation. Now i'm more confused... L

LYN T

Registered User

Aug 30, 2012 6,958 0 Brixham Devon Hi This is a dilemma for you. As your Mum may get confused with a CH move can you phone Social Services or the CQC and voice your concerns. It may be that her CH needs to tighten some of their responsibilities i.e dressing residents as it could show that they are not treating all the residents with dignity. Quite often an unannounced visit from the CQC can lead to new procedures to be implemented. Sorry don't know what else to suggest but I wouldn't be happy either if I knew my relative wasn't cared for as well as she should be. Take care Lyn T W

Witzend

Registered User

Aug 29, 2007 4,282 0 SW London

Takemewithyou said: Hang on, my mum is self funding too... Does that mean that I don't have to consult Social Services? Did you move your mother without their involvement? This hasn't been mentioned to me. I just automatically thought that the had to be involved in the decision as they are the 'professionals' in this situation. Now i'm more confused... Click to expand...

I gather it may also depend on whether you have welfare P of A. My mother was self-funded and we had both P of As, thank heavens, so we (eventually) went ahead without consulting SS, though I think the care home wanted a brief 'tick-box' meeting with a SW before she went in. But it was a formality. To be perfectly honest by that stage I could not have seen any possible point in asking any SW's opinion anyway. We who had been doing our damnedest to keep her at home knew perfectly well what she was or wasn't capable of, and what her needs were - nobody seeing her for half an hour when she was on her best behaviour could have had a clue. P

Pheath

Registered User

Dec 31, 2009 1,094 0 UK Only to say we moved my dad to a different CH after 3 months and even though the transition was quite bumpy and it took him a while to re-settle, it’s something we never regret and he’s now in a much nicer home. I appreciate your mum has been at her home much longer and it’s never easy to know how someone will react to an upheaval, for some the transfer is smooth, for others it’s much harder. It could be your mum isn’t receptive to the staff due to their handling skills so somewhere else they might have a better way of communicating with her. Everybody in my dad’s home, looks clean and relatively well turned out, and there are some larger ladies there too, certainly no dirty nails or clothing. I can only say, go with your gut instinct and if you feel you can do better for your mum then go for it! A

at wits end

Registered User

Nov 9, 2012 752 0 East Anglia I just wanted to add that I looked at two care homes last week as I wasnt sure that my gran was in the best place. I had employed a knee jerk reaction when she had to go into a CH and now have the time to reflect. Neither of the places I looked at were any better than where she currently is. One place was lovely but the staff were cold, and the other was homely but due to shut next year. I am glad I looked though as it showed me what she HAS got. Gran is self- funding and I have never seen a SW or anyone else give a 'toss' (to put it politely) about the decisions I have made for her care. I wish I had! K

KentJude

Registered User

Jul 2, 2012 177 0 Maidstone self funding and ss Oh maybe it varies from area to area but I've never dealt with social services except to be told at the beginning that as mum was self funding they couldn't help. Never heard from them for next 7 years till I contacted them to apply for chc assessment. It has its advantages and disadvantages I guess! I would've appreciated some advice from them but not being told what to do. Yes I have welfare P of A, but was never asked about it by ss, I don't think - I could be wrong. P

PeggySmith

Registered User

Apr 16, 2012 1,687 0 BANES Hi there, We don't have welfare PoA but the care home decision was entirely down to us. Once the (hospital) social worker could see that we agreed MIL couldn't go home, we never heard from her again. T

Takemewithyou

Registered User

Mar 10, 2011 62 0 The woman from Social Services thought it wouldn't be a good idea due to upsetting my mother, and she wants to give the home a chance to correct the problems. I'm not clear in my mind as to why this situation could ever have arisen, never mind giving them a chance to put it right. It can't surely only be my mother that's becoming unkempt and dirty as her dementia progresses either, can it? A lot of the staff at the care home are young girls. They are a little sharp with their tone of voice, rather than the 'babyish' way of talking that seems to work at least with my mother. If I ask questions of the staff, such as,has my mother eaten well that day, the replies are always so vague. I feel like if she was sat in her chair, dead-they wouldn't notice for hours. There never seems to be any activities going on. And as I work for myself, I can drop in at the home at all times of the day, and there's just never ever anything going on. Just the radio playing. I'm babbling now. I really need to start looking at care homes again, before I can make a decision. I'm sure I could do a better job of choosing a home now, than I did originally, and I'm leaning towards doing it regardless of how it may upset her. She may live a good while, and I'd like to think that I've done better for her than this current home. I don't have Health POA (just Finance), I thought that this might be a problem, but reading your posts, this doesn't seem to be a sticking point. Thanks for your replies. P

Pheath

Registered User

Dec 31, 2009 1,094 0 UK No harm just seeing what else is out there before deciding for sure. To feel a bit of warmth from the carers is important, even if they’re busy. From what you write, it doesn’t sound as though the staff care v much and really do believe it’s the staff that make a home, ‘a home’. I'm not sure what the rules are if the LA are funding but guess that as long as a different home doesn't cost more, there shouldn't be an issue. My friend's mum is fully funded and her daughter had no problem moving her to a new place in the same borough. T

Takemewithyou

Registered User

Mar 10, 2011 62 0 My mother is self funding, as I said, and I've already checked if I can even move her out of the borough without it causing future problems, and apparently this would be no problem. I have had a home recommended to me but it is quite a bit further away and doesn't have any vacancies at the moment anyway. The big hurdle is, how much will a move hurt her? Will she settle at a new home? Will a move send her dementia into faster decline? It's all on my head if I get this even more wrong. I've certainly got it wrong at this home, at least where cleanliness and basic care are concerned. W

Witzend

Registered User

Aug 29, 2007 4,282 0 SW London My aunt was in an 'ordinary' residential home until her AD advanced to the stage where she was bothering other residents. We were asked to move her, and of course worried a good deal about the effect it might have. However, she settled remarkably quickly and well (as well as she was ever going to, anyway) and the 2nd CH was in fact nicer, and properly geared up for dementia. The staff were lovely, and she was there for over two years until she died. (her death was not directly related to AD) If you're really not happy with the CH, then personally I think I'd go ahead. P

PeggySmith

Registered User

Apr 16, 2012 1,687 0 BANES Hi Takemewithyou, Oh, how I feel for you - I was in the same situation in March, albeit choosing a first care home. The anxiety just about immobilised me. People on here have posted about moves, mostly positively, but you won't really know how your mum's going to react until you actually make the move and then the deed is done and there's no going back. On a positive note, MIL settled into her care home within a few days although we were expecting all sorts of trauma and, just a couple of weeks ago, I had to arrange to get her rings cut off. I agonised over it for days and days imagining how traumatic it was going to be. She didn't react at all. Not even a bit. Now I've got to decide what to do with the blessed things as she seems to have forgotten all about them What I'm trying to say is, just do your best and try not to worry about it too much. You will probably find that your mum settles quite well and at least you'll know that you're not wasting her money on a rubbish care home. Good luck with it all and please let us know how you get on. K

KentJude

Registered User

Jul 2, 2012 177 0 Maidstone Yes I agree, given your many concerns re your mother's basic care I would move her. Probably the nearer to you the better though as you're the main person visiting and keeping an eye on her. You'd probably get some good suggestions of you ask for private message recommendations on here. T

Takemewithyou

Registered User

Mar 10, 2011 62 0

KentJude said: Yes I agree, given your many concerns re your mother's basic care I would move her. Probably the nearer to you the better though as you're the main person visiting and keeping an eye on her. You'd probably get some good suggestions of you ask for private message recommendations on here. Click to expand...

I'd very much like to have recommendations from people regarding care homes in my area (or a little further away even), I didn't realise I was allowed to do this on the forum. I'm just on the outskirts of Wakefield, West Yorkshire. Almost on the Barnsley boundary, if anyone has any solid recommendations I'd gladly receive them. Just as a side note, I've rung a care home this morning that I'm considering having a look around and was told that I could 'drop in anytime'. I had to have an appointment to view at my mothers current care home. Talk about living and learning... T

Takemewithyou

Registered User

Mar 10, 2011 62 0 Yes, I'm moving her... I've found a care home that I like, so I've decided to move my mother there. It's certainly not an 'all singing, all dancing' home. In fact, compared to her current one, it looks dated. But, the feel of the place seems different. All staff have been there for at least 5 years and maximum of 16 years. This new home only has 12 dementia residents, which I'm hoping will mean that the staff are spread less thinly. (There are 32 dementia residents where she currently is, and rarely a member of staff nearby when you need one). There are certainly some better practices at this new place. I'm setting things in motion tomorrow morning. Dreading it. Thanks for the encouraging replies. Keep your fingers crossed for her. K

KentJude

Registered User

Jul 2, 2012 177 0 Maidstone Well done takemewithyou on finding a decent alternative home. That's great news, even though you're apprehensive now, well that's natural. The best one my mum was in was a similar size and much friendlier than the bigger type, there was always someone approachable and helpful on hand. Being a bigger fish in a smaller pond, so to speak, your mother should get more attention. I'll keep everything crossed for you both. Keep us all posted. Jude T

Takemewithyou

Registered User

Mar 10, 2011 62 0 Unsure if this should be a new thread or not.. Problems already I put wheels in motion this morning to move my mother to the new care home (where she will fund her own care). I've just had a call from Social Services saying that another Best Interest Meeting will have to be held, especially as my mothers current care home are apparently disputing that I've ever complained about my mothers care. The SS are saying that as my mother lacks capacity, my intentions for moving her have to be 'strong and proven'. I have never put my complaints in writing and am also the only person who visits her and has seen how her basic care is lacking. I have no physical evidence of my concerns. It feels like its going to be my lone voice against a whole team. Also, this new care home are now, quite rightly, telling me that they can only hold the room for a small amount of time. So I may loose this room in the end anyway. The SS cannot give me a time frame for the Best Int. Meeting but suggested a months wait until all the necessary people can be brought together... Surely the Best Int. Meeting will realise that no one moves a relative on a whim. Who on earth would risk upsetting a relative and also give your self a load of stress just for the sake of it? Has anyone had to go through the process of moving a relative and had to have a BI meeting to enable it? Why do I have to prove my concerns? I'm not making a formal complaint, just saying that this is why I want to move her. Last edited: Jul 22, 2013 L

LYN T

Registered User

Aug 30, 2012 6,958 0 Brixham Devon Well done! After looking at advice on this forum I was well prepared to look past the fixtures and fittings when looking for a CH for my Husband. Pete's CH is a bit shabby round the edges but so different from the big concerns that the SW recommended. Go by your instinct. As far as I'm concerned P's CH spends funds on Caring- not expensive fixtures and the homely atmosphere and high carer/residents ratio more than makes up for a bit of peeling paint. Hope all goes well for you. Take care Lyn T

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