Dealing With Sexual Sin In A Dating Relationship - Accountable2You

I’ve heard many startling confessions as a counselor, but one that stands out the most happened outside the counseling room. My friend and I agreed to meet at a coffee shop, but we both knew it wasn’t going to be a casual catch-up. She sat across from me, avoiding eye contact as we tried some small talk. After a few minutes of awkward silence, she looked up and said, “Something happened between him and me.”

Her confession took me by surprise for many reasons. For one, in the conservative culture I grew up in, no one admits to struggling with sexual temptation, let alone confessing sexual sin. Rumors of fornication would circulate occasionally, but they usually faded when the people involved maintained their silence. This time, however, everything had already been exposed, leaving her with no choice but to confess.

Many couples fall into sexual sin while dating because they feel confident that they can handle the pull of sexual temptation. Most of them may even be going into dating oblivious to the fact that sexual purity is a battle they must fight from the beginning. Even those who set physical boundaries can find themselves crossing the lines more and more if they give in to compromise. Next thing they know, they have fallen deep into sin and find it hard to get back up.

If you find yourself in this place, I want to offer you a word of hope: Purity is still possible through Christ.

A Feeling of Guilt

In a sex-saturated world, not everyone who commits sexual immorality feels guilty. It’s common to hear of people living together before marriage, having casual sex with a person they barely know, or even being physically intimate with someone whom they can’t label as their boyfriend or girlfriend. Whether or not we feel personal guilt, we are already morally guilty before the holy God who calls us to flee from sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18).

In God’s eyes, sex is sacred (Hebrews 13:4). He created it to be enjoyed within the covenant of marriage between a man and a woman (Genesis 2:24). Sex creates a deep emotional and physical bond that’s supposed to be shared only by those who are married, not by those who think they are married or feel like they are married. When done outside the confines of God’s design, it results in brokenness and emptiness.

Perhaps you not only know that you are guilty before God, but you also feel guilty. You know you shouldn’t have anything to do with sexual immorality as a Christian, and you had all the intentions to flee from it, but you now find yourself in a guilt-ridden, shame-filled, and seemingly hopeless place. You traded a lifetime covenant for momentary pleasure. You gave yourself away to someone outside the protection and commitment of marriage. You might be wondering what to do with that guilt.

A Plan for Purity

If we look to ourselves for help, purity really is impossible. We cannot remove the guilt ourselves, but Jesus took our guilt upon Himself and died on the cross so we can be forgiven.

After we commit sin, including sexual sins, our tendency is to hide from God, run away from Him, or try to make things right our own way. The longer we do these, the more we will feel distant from God. So, friend, don’t delay. Confess your sins to God and ask for His forgiveness now, and He promises to be faithful and righteous to forgive you of your sins and to cleanse you from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9).

If we look to ourselves for help, purity really is impossible. We cannot remove that guilt ourselves, but Jesus took our guilt upon Himself and died on the cross so we can be forgiven (1 Peter 2:24). Through the righteousness that He gives us, we no longer stand guilty before the Father (Romans 5:1).

But it doesn’t end with confession. You must turn away from your sins, and you must make the resolve to live in holiness. True repentance means taking intentional steps to run away from sexual sin and to live in purity. With God’s help, you can approach dating with holy resolve using these four steps:

1. Get accountability

Sexual sin thrives in secrecy (Ephesians 5:3–14), so invite someone to keep you accountable in your dating relationship. Be cautious of any activity between you and your dating partner that makes you think, “Nobody else should know about this” (Proverbs 18:1). It’s helpful if you are honest with a trusted, mature believer in your life about the struggles you have with self-control and sexual purity. It’s not helpful if you and the person you are dating don’t have other believers who know you well and can speak truth into your life. Ask a trusted Christian friend, family member, or church leader to check on you while you are with your dating partner, and be willing to let them ask hard questions.

2. Guard your mind

Sexual sin doesn’t happen out of nowhere. It broods in the mind long before it turns into action. If we don’t confront it at its root, we will start seeing the steps toward purity as obstacles to our happiness rather than God’s provision for our holiness. The battle has to be fought in our minds first by dispelling distorted views of God in our hearts. Do you see God’s gift of forgiveness as a license to sin? Remind yourself of the apostle Paul’s admonition: “May it never be! How shall we who died to sin still live in it?” (Romans 6:2). We must dwell on God’s truth regularly to fill our minds with pure thoughts, not on things that will only fuel lust.

We must dwell on God’s truth regularly to fill our minds with pure thoughts, not on things that will only fuel lust.

3. Give each other space

Sexual sin can quickly consume your time together if you aren’t intentional about pursuing holiness. If being alone creates too much temptation, plan to spend time in group settings or in public places. You may even get to know each other better in the company of others. If resisting physical affection becomes increasingly difficult, consider “fasting” from one another for a season. Strong emotions can cloud our judgment, and physical involvement can blind us to traits we should not desire in a future spouse. A significant period of time apart can help you return to your priorities and seek God’s wisdom about whether you should continue dating.

4. Give it an honest evaluation

Sexual sin in a dating relationship shouldn’t be the reason you remain together. If maintaining your boundaries and convictions becomes more challenging, it may be wise to consider ending the relationship. It’s not right to stay with someone simply because you’ve already been physically intimate. As you evaluate the relationship, ask yourself these important questions: Is my dating partner concerned for my purity, honor, and safety? Am I the only one fighting for purity? How does the other person respond after we sin? Are they as committed to holiness as I am? If there is no evident shared pursuit of purity, then that person is not a suitable godly spouse.

A Story of Grace

As sinners, we deserve nothing but condemnation from the holy God, but instead of judgment, He shows His grace by offering to take our guilt and wash it clean by the blood of Jesus (1 Peter 2:24). He further lavishes us with grace by giving us a way out of sin and blessing us with strength to live in holiness (1 Corinthians 10:13). By His grace, even the guilt of our ugliest sins can lead to a life that reflects the beauty of the Gospel.

By His grace, even the guilt of our ugliest sins can lead to a life that reflects the beauty of the Gospel.

God showed me firsthand at that coffee shop that He can turn the ugliness of sexual sin into a picture of His grace. As I listened to my friend’s confession, I was struck not only by the news of betrayal committed against me but even more by God’s mercy in my own fight for sexual purity. Were it not for God’s grace, I would be in her place, suffering the same consequences, if not worse, had the Lord not graciously delivered me from the same lustful man she had slept with.

Just as God met me with grace, He offers the same to anyone carrying hidden sin. People might not know what you’ve done, but the all-knowing God does. Yet in that same omniscience, He also hears your cries for help and sees your genuine desire for holiness. In your time of need, receive mercy and find grace from Jesus, who can sympathize with your weakness (Hebrews 4:15–16). He knows the tug of temptation, yet He did not sin. He can help you to do the same. So keep running to Him. Only He can make you pure again.

Stephanie Colinco is the Educational Content Manager at Accountable2You. She holds degrees in biblical counseling (MABC, TMU; DEdMin, SBTS) and loves using her training to serve women both globally and at her local church, Grace and Truth Church Cincinnati.