Do You Have A Codependent Personality? - Everyday Health

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SEE MOREDo You Have a Codependent Personality?Do you feed off others' neediness, or devote all your energy to your one and only? You could be codependent.

StocksyByBeth GilbertUpdated on June 9, 2023Medically Reviewed byAllison Young, MD

The word “codependent” gets thrown around a lot. There are codependent couples, codependent companions, and codependent caretakers. But what does codependent actually mean — and is it really all that bad?

What Is Codependency?

“Codependency is typically discussed in the context of substance use, where one person is abusing the substance, and he or she depends on the other person to supply money, food, or shelter. But codependency is much broader than that,” says Jonathan Becker, DO, an associate professor of clinical psychiatry at Vanderbilt University in Nashville, Tennessee.

“Codependency can be defined as any relationship in which two people become so invested in each other that they can’t function independently anymore," Dr. Becker says. "Your mood, happiness, and identity are defined by the other person. In a codependent relationship, there is usually one person who is more passive and can’t make decisions for themselves, and a more dominant personality who gets some reward and satisfaction from controlling the other person and making decisions about how they will live.”

According to Mental Health America, codependency is often referred to as "relationship addiction," in that codependent people tend to form and become dependent on unhealthy, emotionally harmful relationships.

RELATED: 9 Signs You're in a Healthy Relationship

“Codependency becomes problematic when one person is taking advantage of the other financially or emotionally,” Becker says. What's behind this behavior, though, is typically subconscious — one person is not necessarily knowingly trying to manipulate the other, even if that's the outcome. Similarly, a person who defines themself through the relationship may not be doing so in a conscious way. Gaining awareness of the subconscious motivations at work is key to improving the situation.

Enabling is a sign of an unhealthy codependence. This takes support for your partner to a problematic level by helping them avoid negative consequences of their own behavior, according to the Hazeldon Betty Ford Foundation. Enabling behavior, which is rarely seen in healthy relationships, includes bailing your partner out (of jail or financial problems), repeatedly giving him or her another chance, ignoring the problem, accepting excuses, always being the one trying to fix the problem, or constantly coming to the rescue in other ways.

8 Signs You're in a Codependant Relationship

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8 Signs You’re in a Codependent Relationship

Codependent personalities usually follow a pattern of behaviors that are consistent, problematic, and directly interfere with the individual’s emotional health and ability to find fulfillment in a relationship. “Signs of codependency include excessive caretaking, controlling, and preoccupation with people and things outside ourselves,” says Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, a consultant, educator, and author of numerous books, including Understanding Codependency.

Signs of codependency include:

• Difficulty making decisions in a relationship
• Difficulty identifying your feelings
• Difficulty communicating in a relationship
• Valuing the approval of others more than valuing yourself
• Lacking trust in yourself and having poor self-esteem
• Having fears of abandonment or an obsessive need for approval
• Having an unhealthy dependence on relationships, even at your own cost
• Having an exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others

Is Codependency a Mental Health Disorder or Diagnosis?

Having a codependent personality is not currently considered a diagnosable mental health condition. But there is some overlap between codependent traits and some of the 10 personality disorders that are recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the guide used by mental health professionals for diagnosis.

For instance, people with both borderline personality disorder and dependent personality disorder may have an intense fear of abandonment. And people with dependent personality disorder can have trouble making decisions on their own, or asserting themselves with their partners, and often put their relationships above their own well-being.

Is a Codependent Relationship Really That Bad?

Not all codependent relationships turn sour, Becker says. “Any healthy relationship will have some codependency and give and take,” he explains. For example, it's reasonable if one partner looks to another for advice or guidance on a major decision, he says.

But if you seek out, maintain, or even feed off relationships that are not fulfilling or healthy, you could be codependent. Once codependency is identified, it can be successfully treated, Becker says. Here's how.

Pursue counseling. “Talk to a mental health provider to help rebuild your sense of self and realize why you rely so much on the other person,” Becker says. Codependency results from a failure to set personal boundaries, and learning how to do that — through therapy — is essential to healing.

Consider couples therapy. Sometimes the relationship can be helped or even saved by couples therapy to reduce codependency, Becker says.

Reconnect with friends and family. “Being in a codependent relationship can lead to isolation, which fuels the loss of self,” Becker says. “Call or email those people from whom you've distanced yourself, and start to rebuild these relations.”

Carve out “you time.” “If you once enjoyed music and gave up lessons or practicing, pick up where you left off,” Becker suggests. “Return to doing the things you once enjoyed before you became so enmeshed with the other person.”

Seek treatment for substance abuse. “If you are abusing drugs or alcohol, talk to your doctor about treatment options,” he says. “This holds for the other partner, too, as there are support groups and resources for family members affected by substance abuse, such as Al-Anon.”

Additional reporting by Denise Mann.

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Allison Young, MD

Medical Reviewer

Member of American College of Lifestyle Medicine

Allison Young, MD, is a board-certified psychiatrist providing services via telehealth throughout New York and Florida.

In addition to her private practice, Dr. Young serves as an affiliate professor of psychiatry at Florida Atlantic University Charles E. Schmidt College of Medicine. She previously taught and mentored medical trainees at the NYU Grossman School of Medicine. She speaks at national conferences and has published scientific articles on a variety of mental health topics, most notably on the use of evidence-based lifestyle interventions in mental health care.

Young graduated magna cum laude from Georgetown University with a bachelor of science degree in neurobiology and theology. She obtained her doctor of medicine degree with honors in neuroscience and physiology from the NYU Grossman School of Medicine. She continued her training at NYU during her psychiatry residency, when she was among a small group selected to be part of the residency researcher program and studied novel ways to assess and treat mental distress, with a focus on anxiety, trauma, and grief.

During her psychiatry training, Young sought additional training in women’s mental health and cognitive behavioral therapy. She has also studied and completed further training in evidence-based lifestyle interventions in mental health care, including stress management, exercise, and nutrition. She is an active member of the American College of Lifestyle Medicine, through which she helps create resources as well as educate physicians and patients on the intersection of lifestyle medicine and mental health.

See full bio

Beth Gilbert

Author

Beth Gilbert is a health and science writer for both consumer and professional audiences. She has an undergraduate degree in chemical engineering from Lehigh University and a master's in biomedical engineering from Columbia University.

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