Emotionally Unavailable: What It Means, Signs, & What To Do About It

Signs You May Be Emotionally Unavailable

Emotional unavailability isn’t just something that affects others—you might also recognize some of these patterns in yourself.

Here are some signs you may be emotionally unavailable:

You Keep Your Options Open

Keeping options open or suggesting an open relationship may indicate your own emotional unavailability if you’re engaging in these behaviors to avoid developing emotional bonds or risk being hurt.

Relationships Drain You & Feel Like a Job

Emotionally unavailable people tend to have to work harder than their emotionally available peers to have the emotional conversations required of a healthy relationship. Emotionally unavailable people tend to feel more exhausted or burdened by this work than fulfilled.

You Have Relationship Anxiety

Emotionally unavailable people tend to worry about their partners, the state of their relationship, and possible outcomes of the relationship, which are all forms of relationship anxiety that may be at the root of the emotional unavailability. These may lead to preemptively ending a relationship to avoid being hurt or staying in a relationship yet withdrawing emotionally.

You Back Out of Options to Commit

While you may initially say yes to a date or claim to wish you were in a serious relationship, when the opportunity finally presents itself emotionally unavailable people tend to backtrack, sometimes blaming the change of heart on not wanting to give up their independence or thinking they can “do better.”

You Struggle to Trust

If you’re emotionally unavailable, you might struggle to trust your partner regardless of whether they’ve actually done anything to suggest they can’t be trusted.

You Worry About Losing Your Independence in a Relationship

Some people worry that getting too close to a partner emotionally means losing independence that they value or have worked hard to achieve. Emotional unavailability may look like fearing a loss of independence (e.g.,, changing your lifestyle or considering someone else’s schedule.)

What Causes Emotional Unavailability?

Understanding why someone is emotionally unavailable can help in addressing the issue. Emotional unavailability doesn’t happen randomly—it often stems from past experiences, personal fears, or current life circumstances. Emotional unavailability can be a mix of deliberate behavior and subconscious behavior.

Here are some common causes of emotional unavailability:

Attachment

Often, people who are emotionally unavailable as adults struggled to get their emotional needs met as children. Some did not receive enough validation, emotional modeling, or security from their caregivers, which may have made it challenging to form secure attachment and potentially even develop an attachment disorder in adulthood.1

When caregivers don’t provide guidance on handling emotions safely, people learn to shut them down to protect themselves.

Trauma

A child’s experience of trauma is highly predictive of their attachment in future relationships.4 Experiencing trauma (such as neglect or abuse) at a young age makes it harder to trust others to acknowledge and respect emotions and boundaries.

Fear From Past Relationships

Emotional unavailability may also develop due to experience in past relationships. Often, those who have experienced infidelity or gaslighting are fearful or hypervigilant in future relationships, causing them to protect their emotions so they don’t get hurt again.

Emotional unavailability can develop following the dissolution of a healthy relationship, as well: breakup grief is a powerful experience that may contribute to your not being ready to be vulnerable or intimate with someone else.

Life Circumstances

Sometimes, circumstances such as a new or demanding job, loss in the family, or a medical or mental health diagnosis may make it challenging to be emotionally available. In these cases, emotional unavailability isn’t necessarily due to a lack of trust or fear of intimacy, but the prioritization of other areas of life that require more emotional attention, energy, and effort.

How Emotional Unavailability Affects Relationships

Emotional unavailability can create distance, frustration, and misunderstanding in relationships. One partner may crave deeper connection, feeling rejected or confused by their partner’s emotional detachment. Meanwhile, the emotionally unavailable partner may feel pressured, overwhelmed, or even suffocated, leading them to withdraw further. This cycle can intensify feelings of anxiety, resentment, and loneliness, making it difficult for the relationship to grow or thrive.

What to Do If Your Partner Is Emotionally Unavailable

If you think your partner is emotionally unavailable, there are several things you can do to help them feel safe emotionally and take care of your own emotional needs as well. First, bring your concerns up with them, describing their behaviors factually and reflecting how they make you feel.

Consider asking them if there’s anything they need from you or that you could do to support them in being more emotionally available. Further, it’s important to practice validating your partner (e.g., by saying “I can see how anxious you are to be vulnerable with me”), and don’t forget to self-validate, too, as this is likely something you’re not getting from your partner at this point.

You may need to evaluate (and re-evaluate) whether the relationship truly meets your needs.

How to Overcome Emotional Unavailability

Becoming more emotionally available may feel challenging, but with self-awareness and practice, it’s entirely possible. It requires recognizing and accepting your emotions, understanding their roots, and gradually building deeper emotional connections. Taking small, intentional steps can make the process more manageable.

• Develop emotional awareness: Start by noticing and naming your emotions without judgment. Pay attention to how you feel in different situations and allow yourself to sit with those emotions. If needed, use a feelings chart or journal to better understand your emotional experiences.
• Explore the root causes: Understanding why emotional availability is difficult for you can help you move forward. Reflect on past relationships, attachment patterns, or personal fears that may be influencing your ability to connect. Identifying these patterns allows you to work through them rather than letting them define your relationships.
• Practice opening up gradually: Emotional vulnerability doesn’t have to happen all at once. Start by expressing positive or neutral emotions with trusted people, then work toward sharing more personal thoughts and feelings. If verbalizing emotions feels difficult, writing them down first can be a helpful step.
• Engage in emotionally open conversations: Talking about emotions with people you trust can make emotional expression feel more natural over time. Observing how others communicate their emotions can also provide a helpful framework for practicing openness in your own relationships.
• Take it slow: If emotional vulnerability feels overwhelming, allow yourself time to adjust. Instead of pulling away completely, set a pace that feels comfortable while reminding yourself that deep connections are built gradually. Small, consistent efforts can lead to meaningful change.

Becoming emotionally available takes effort, but it’s entirely possible. However, for many people, this journey is easier with professional support. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore emotions and develop healthier relationship patterns.

How Couples Therapy Can Help Strengthening Emotional Connection

If you or your partner struggle with emotional vulnerability, intimacy, or the effects of emotional unavailability in your relationship, therapy can be a powerful tool for growth. Couples therapy can help partners work through emotional barriers together, fostering deeper understanding and connection. For those who prefer to explore these patterns individually, individual therapy offers a safe space to identify and address underlying issues.

With the convenience of online couples therapy platforms like Regain and Amwell, couples and individuals can access professional support from the comfort of their own homes. These platforms provide flexible scheduling and a variety of licensed therapists who specialize in relationships and emotional health, making it easier than ever to get the guidance you need.

Explore Your Emotional Patterns With Individual Therapy

If you or your partner aren’t ready for couples therapy, individual therapy can still be a valuable way to explore emotional unavailability and develop healthier relationship patterns. Therapy naturally encourages emotional vulnerability, as working with a trusted professional provides a safe space to process emotions, build self-awareness, and strengthen communication skills.

For convenience and accessibility, consider online therapy platforms like BetterHelp or Talkspace, which connect you with licensed therapists who specialize in relationships and emotional health. You can also explore a trusted therapist directory to find the right fit for your needs.