Getting Over An Affair: Dealing With Affair Withdrawal

Getting over an affair is not only difficult for the person who was betrayed, but also for the person who had the affair.  When you have had an affair and it ends, you might get a feeling of “withdrawal.”

By Doug

As we have mentioned many times on this blog, being in an affair is a lot like being addicted to a drug. This means that when you end the affair you will have to go through the uncomfortable experience of withdrawal before you can get over it.

So, what is affair withdrawal?

Affair withdrawal is the emotional and psychological distress that occurs after ending an affair. Similar to breaking a chemical addiction, it involves a detox period where the brain and body adjust to the sudden loss of intensity, secrecy, and stimulation. 

Affairs spike your brain with dopamine—the same reward chemical triggered by gambling or drug use. Ending the affair cuts off that supply, leaving your brain confused, foggy, and craving the connection—even if it logically makes no sense.

Three Symptoms of Affair Withdrawal

There are three major emotional symptoms of affair withdrawal: anger, anxiety, and depression. Why you might have these emotions should be fairly self-explanatory at this point. These feelings arise from the sudden void left by the affair’s end, a void that was once filled with the illicit thrill and emotional intensity the affair provided.

I do believe I went through a withdrawal period after ending the affair, though in my experience, it didn’t feel like it lasted that long. (Linda might tell you a different story — and she’d probably be right.)

Part of the reason it felt shorter to me was because, truthfully, I had already begun to feel drained by the affair itself. What once felt exciting had started to feel burdensome — the secrecy, the lies, the emotional weight of juggling two lives.

That doesn’t mean walking away wasn’t a struggle.  But it does mean that by the time it ended, I was already feeling the cracks. The affair wasn’t giving me what I thought I needed anymore, and in some strange way, that made the loss easier to stomach — even though I still had to face the emotional fallout and consequences I’d created.

Getting Over an Affair: The Emotional Road to Recovery

During that time, I was all over the place emotionally, feeling glad the affair was over but also weirdly missing something. That feeling of missing something lessened, though, especially since I had no further contact with the other woman and eventually shifted gears towards fixing the mess I made.

Looking back, I can clearly see the mix of emotions I was dealing with. There was a sense of relief that I was done with something that caused more stress than happiness, but also a weird sense of loss for what was basically a fantasy.  The real change happened when I chose to work on getting back the trust and love in our marriage, with Linda being an incredible pillar of support. Our joint effort to fix things was really the start of moving past the affair.

By sharing this, I’m hoping to shed some light on what it feels like after you end an affair and to highlight how crucial support and commitment are when you’re going through such a tough time.

Getting over an affair means finding your way back to yourself. It’s about reconnecting with the heart of your main relationship. You move from fantasy to reality with understanding, patience, and love.

Getting over an affair takes time…

Dr. Frank Gunzburg, in his book “How to Survive an Affair” says that one can expect to have intense withdrawal symptoms for about three weeks, and you may continue to feel some symptoms for up to six months, but they should gradually diminish in intensity and frequency over this time period.

You may also experience emotional backslides during this time — unexpected waves of longing, intrusive thoughts, or even dreams about your affair partner. This doesn’t mean you made a mistake in ending the affair. It simply means your mind and body are still recalibrating. Don’t panic. Don’t shame yourself. And most importantly, don’t let a passing moment of weakness convince you to act on it. Acknowledge the feeling, recommit to your healing, and remember that these waves pass. Slipping mentally is not the same as going backward — unless you let it pull you off track.

During this time, you are in a vulnerable position. Like an addict, you might be tempted to use your favorite drug again. You might be tempted to contact your affair partner again to help calm the force of your withdrawal symptoms.

Doing so is a little bit like a heroin addict in recovery who says they are “just going to do a little hit to make the pain go away.” This is clearly a terrible idea. If you do this, you may feel tempted to start again. This could lead you back into the affair. It would undo all your hard work so far.

Do not attempt to contact your affair partner as this will destroy your relationship. Instead, reinvest in repairing your relationship.  This is liable to be difficult as well, particularly if you have just informed your partner about the affair.

A No Contact Survival Checklist

Affair withdrawal becomes even harder when the door to the affair partner is still cracked open. Here’s a simple checklist to help you stick to No Contact:

• Block them on all channels (social media, phone, email)

• Delete old messages, photos, and reminders

• Make a plan for what to do when tempted to reach out (call a mentor, journal, go for a walk)

• Have an accountability partner who can check in on you

• Remind yourself daily of why you ended the affair

Your brain may try to convince you otherwise, but there’s no version of recovery that includes “just one text.”

How to End an Affair – The Right Way

Navigating the Rough Waters of Recovery: The Path to a Stronger Relationship

If you are talking to your spouse at all, it is likely that your communication is negative and difficult. At this point, receiving much positive feedback is unlikely. This can lead to feeling emotionally disconnected. This could worsen your withdrawal symptoms.

Remember that you are going through this painful time for a reason: you want to heal your relationship. You can look at this difficult period as a necessary step to straightening out the mess you have made of your relationship. Like an addict, there may be a period of time in which you suffer.

Going through that is the first step to putting your life and relationship back on the right course. Remember, staying on the recovery path during the tough period of getting over an affair is crucial. The reward? A relationship that can be better than your dreams.

Reflection Questions for the Unfaithful Partner

When emotions run high, your judgment can get foggy. These reflection prompts can help you gain clarity and keep moving forward:

• What emotional or psychological needs did the affair seem to meet?

• What are some healthy, relationship-centered ways I can meet those needs now?

• What situations or emotions trigger the strongest urge to reach out?

• What would my future self—6 months from now—want me to remember today?

Answering these honestly won’t feel easy. But they will anchor you when the withdrawal symptoms try to knock you off course.

I can honestly say now, blogging about our experiences is the exception. Beyond that, The other woman doesn’t occupy any of my thoughts.   

If you’re struggling with withdrawal or want support navigating no contact, we have mentoring options and programs designed exactly for this stage. You don’t have to white-knuckle this alone.

Finally, here’s a short video from Carol Erb, Ph.D about what affair withdrawal looks like:

*Article originally posted 6/29/2010 and updated 4/8/2025.