Hair-pulling - BabyCentre UK

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1. Toddler /
2. Behaviour and habits

Hair-pullingMedically reviewed by Jill Irving RN (Adult) RN (Child) RM (Lapsed), Health visitorWritten by Lucy Toseland-BoltonPhoto credit: ThinkstockIN THIS ARTICLE

• Why is my toddler pulling hair?
• How can I stop my toddler pulling hair?

Why is my toddler pulling hair?

Grabbing and pulling hair, like kicking, pinching and hitting, is one of the many ways toddlers express themselves. It's also a way of taking control of their environment. Young toddlers aged one to two years often do it because they've discovered it gets a reaction, and they want to get it again. It's like turning on a light switch or pressing one of those toys where something pops up. Your toddler will also behave this way out of frustration. This is because they can't fully articulate themselves through speech as their language skills are still developing. Advertisement | page continues below Another reason toddlers pull hair is to stop things they don't like happening. Someone's crawling over them or trying to take their special toy, so they reach out and pull hair, and the bad thing stops. Older toddlers aged two years to three years are learning how to reason things out. For them, pulling hair may be a way of trying to control a situation. For example, your toddler's older brother takes the last biscuit, so your toddler pulls his hair to make him squeal. This has several possible outcomes. You may step in and make their older brother share the biscuit. But even if you don't, the older brother will probably think twice before taking the last biscuit again.

How can I stop my toddler pulling hair?

Show them that hair-pulling doesn't work Show your toddler that hair-pulling doesn't work by directing your attention, and sympathy, towards the child whose hair has been pulled. If your toddler pulled another child's hair to get a toy, hand the toy back and tell your toddler firmly, "We don't pull hair." But be sure to act quickly. Leave even a few minutes before intervening and your toddler will almost certainly have moved on to something else. Try not to make the mistake of reading too much into the situation and giving your child sympathy for an imagined wrong. ("My child must have pulled Ellie's hair because Ellie was being mean. I'll distract them by reading them a story.") Your child doesn't grasp the situation fully. All they will understand is your attention and pity, especially if you let them sit on your lap. And never just ignore your toddler's hair-pulling. If you do nothing to stop your toddler, they'll learn that pulling hair is a way to get what they want without comeback. Discourage repeated hair-pulling Advertisement | page continues below Time-outs don't tend to work for children younger than three years old, so with a younger toddler your best bet is a firm and consistent response. Calmly grasp your toddler's hand and hold it while you look into their eyes and say, "No, we don't pull hair. Pulling hair hurts." Show them how to stroke hair gently and tell them, "Be gentle, and then Ellie won't be sad." Make sure you say this every time your child pulls someone's hair. You can also pick them up and gently but firmly hold them on your lap. Removing them from the situation in this way will help them grasp that they've done something wrong. You only need to do this for a couple of minutes, just so your toddler can question why everyone else can carry on playing. If your toddler starts pulling hair again, take them away from the play area completely. Talk to your toddler about hair-pulling Even if they aren't talking much yet, it's important to do this because it shows your toddler that talking is the way to solve problems. With a younger toddler, explain to them that their action made the other child sad. Your toddler should have a fairly good understanding of what this means. Advertisement | page continues below With an older toddler try asking them, "What did you do that was wrong?" and follow this with "Why was it wrong?" Don't worry if they respond with, "Because I had to stop playing", or something similar. This is normal at their stage of development. You can follow it up by saying, "Yes, you'll have to stop playing if you pull hair, but what must you remember? You don't pull hair because it hurts." You can also try reading a book to them about hair-pulling and biting. There are many books on these topics. This is a great way to turn bad behaviour into something positive. Reading a story about the behaviour and its impact may also help your toddler make links between the story and the way they behave. Don't expect too much. Toddlers have to learn the hard way by doing something over and over again, and learning that it always means they'll get told not to do it. Your job is to be consistent and not to get frustrated by having to repeat the same messages day in and day out. Don't show them how it feels by pulling their hair back The old-fashioned strategy of pulling your toddler's hair to "teach them how it feels" is not a good idea. Your toddler pulls hair because they're trying to change something, such as stopping their sibling taking their toys. If you pull their hair to stop them from pulling hair, you're doing the same thing. And what your toddler learns is that hair-pulling is the way to change someone's behaviour. Advertisement | page continues below The idea that by experiencing pain your child will learn not to cause it is misguided. Toddlers aren't capable of the empathy needed to make such a connection. You can show your toddler what is acceptable behaviour by your own example.Was this article helpful?YesNo

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Track your pregnancy on our free #1 pregnancy & baby appLucy Toseland-BoltonLucyBC (Lucy Toseland-Bolton) is BabyCentre's staff writer, editor and mum of a boy and girl. She shares her honest accounts of life with two children. Opens a new window Opens a new window Opens a new window

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