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Honesty without being blunt — Blunt vs direct is a true balancing act.

Honesty is the foundation of many aspects of our lives here on Earth. We depend on it both in our personal lives, but also professional lives. Can you imagine a workplace or political office without honesty? In these days, especially, that's not really that hard. But how honest are you? Or more to the point of this article: How direct are you?

I grew up with the belief that one should always be honest, but constructive when possible. My family is loud and outspoken. Sure, sometimes we all step out of line or say something we regret, but none are afraid to go out there and say it. Throughout most of my childhood, I was a very polite and fairly quiet child (especially in primary school). But during my high school years, something happened. I began to find my voice. I stumbled a bit along the way, but after a while, I had found a quality in me that I valued and that other people seem to value as well: Being honest and direct. When I started university in Wales (UK), I became known for being very direct. This was more exaggerated due to British culture being much more focused on pleasantries than in Norwegian culture.

"Honesty is the best policy. If I lose mine honour, I lose myself" - William Shakespeare

In university and afterwards, I would call it as I saw it. Why? Because honesty is fundamentally ingrained in me and I had come to the conclusion that being direct works for me. Also, I am to this day a firm believer that you cannot be friends with everybody you meet and work with, so stop trying. There is absolutely no point in tip-toeing around in life, worried that some people might not like you. The people that matter will like you. Those that don't, don't matter. That is something I try to live by every day. To this day, this is something I'm very happy with and I would say is one of my better qualities. But I'm not going make this an article just about me, myself and I.

People of different ethnicities holding paper cutouts of speechbubles in different shapes and colours above their heads.

The balance between blunt and direct

People have different ways of conveying a message. Some are similar whilst others are complete opposites. There is a difference between being blunt and being direct, but it's slim. You can often be perceived as being blunt when really you're just being direct. Being blunt is being honest, but often in a rude or even aggressive manner. Being direct on the other hand is being honest and genuine whilst maintaining a respectful and diplomatic way.

What steps are important to take, in my experience, to be direct instead of blunt? How do you make sure it's a quality of yourself you grow and nurture?

1. Listen

It's easy to be perceived as someone who's boarded a non-stop train and will just keep pushing their opinions out regardless. If you're someone who's often honest and direct, you have to remember your true intent for it; that you're simply trying to express your opinions and opinions clearly, without wasting time on pleasantries, ego or fake praise.

So in between your opinions, it's important to remember to listen and genuinely consider other peoples opinion on the matter. That way, when you respond in a direct manner, you can make a statement that actually reflects what the conversation is about and not just what's inside your head. If you fail to be aware of this and other peoples opinions just because you wanted to get your own across, you'll often be perceived as a blunt. Of course, this doesn't mean you should silence yourself, but you should listen in order to speak.

2. Be constructive

Growing up, my mother always said it was okay not to like something. But I needed to say why I didn't like it. Otherwise, it just sounded like I was whining without offering any solution as to what was the problem.

Being constructive is often the key to being perceived as direct, but not blunt. This shows that you've thought about a possible solution to whatever the problem might be. Let's say you're working on a project with multiple people and say something like "This design is an absolute mess and makes no sense what so ever." can be perceived as blunt or aggressive. But if you say "This design doesn't make sense. I think we should add a third colour to this piece to make it more coherent.", that will allow you to share your opinion and also propose a fix to the very problem you've pointed out. You're also contributing, not just criticising.

3. Focus on work, not the person

Most likely, you've worked with people who aren't used to a more direct tone and might prefer a more softer touch and feedback wrapped in pleasantries. They might only have experienced that before.

As a result, they most likely won't respond well or even know how to respond to you being direct. Especially in this situation, focusing on work or the problem at hand rather than the person will go down easier. Even though you don't wrap your comments up in bubble wrap before you express yourself, you should focus your comments on specifics. That way you'll come across as less aggressive.

Avoid stuff like "Your idea is insane! That will never ever work" and try saying something like "That method isn't the best approach in order to reach our goal because of...". The point is still getting across, but you're not insulting someone's intelligence.

4. Tone and body language

You might have heard that the words themselves only make up a small part of a conversation and that tone and body language play a much bigger role. But where does this originate from? One such source is professor Albert Mehrabian from University of California, Los Angles (UCLA), who published a book in 1971 called Silent Messages. Here he talks about his research into communication and how tone and body language is important. He argued that only 7% of what we communicate consists of the literal content of the message. The use of one’s voice, such as tone, intonation and volume, take up 38% and as much as 55% of communication consists of body language. This 7 – 38 – 55 -model is still much used today (Mulder) (Mehrabian).

Though this research has been debated and misused in the years following the publication, the essence of it remains true. You need to be conscious of the tone you use and body language you exert when being direct. Saying "No, that won't work" immediately in a snappy tone whilst crossing your arms is completely different from saying the same in a neutral or thinking tone with your arms uncrossed. The words themselves (7%) are the same, but your tone (38%) and body language (55%) are completely different. The latter actually shows you gave the idea some consideration (be it true or not).

In the end

Keeping those four things in mind will help you to be direct, but not blunt. It doesn't mean it's the only and definite way. Not at all. But for me, it works. If you're like me, you like efficiency and don't see the point in sugarcoating things. In my experience, most people will grow accustomed to you being direct and prefer it. But you might also have people in your life who never do and that's okay. You can't be friends with everybody. However, you can often find common ground and keep it civil.

So go out there. Be direct. Be efficient. Be honest.

--------------------------

Sources:

Mehrabian, A. (1971). Silent Messages: Implicit Communication of Emotions and Attitudes. Belmont, California: Wadsworth Publishing Company.

Mulder, P. (2019, October 2). Communication Model by Albert Mehrabian. Retrieved October 4, 2019, from https://www.toolshero.com/communication-skills/communication-model-mehrabian/.

Yaffe, P. (2011, October). Ubiquity: The 7% rule. Retrieved October 4, 2019, from https://ubiquity.acm.org/article.cfm?id=2043156.

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The balance between blunt and direct

1. Listen

2. Be constructive

3. Focus on work, not the person

4. Tone and body language

In the end

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