How To Be More Emotionally Available - Natasha Adamo

I’ve written about how to deal with emotionally unavailable partners and friends but what happens when you are the emotionally unavailable one?

Is there a way to become more emotionally available?

Readers and clients often ask me, “how can I find a partner who is emotionally available? I can never get anyone I’m dating to open up.”

No one can reverse unavailability other than the person suffering from it. Becoming emotionally available is not contingent upon your partner being “better” or trying harder to crack your impossible codes.

The unavailable person has to have a genuine desire to want to be better for themselves.

As much as you may want to mow your neighbor’s overgrown lawn, there’s no point in telling them how badly they need it or how willing you are to do it if they do not see a need to keep their side of the street clean.

If you want an emotionally available, mutual relationship, the first thing you need to do is make sure that you are emotionally available yourself.

What Is Emotional Unavailability?

Emotional unavailability is when a person (either consciously or subconsciously) puts up walls and creates barriers that prevent them from being intimate with others.

The root of this is undealt with trauma.

This can originate in childhood. You may come from a family of professional under-the-rug brushers and it became habitual for you. You may have experienced an isolated traumatic event or repeated trauma and as a child, the only way your emotional body could cope was by shutting down.

I became more emotionally unavailable when I started dating (with very low self-esteem).

After my first big heartbreak, I didn’t want to feel the pain or have to grieve the loss of my relationship. I also didn’t want to face my part in how things fell apart. It was all too much; more pain than my heart could handle. So, I would jump into another relationship as soon as possible.

This created a ripple effect of avoidance, denial, and massive unavailability.

No matter how much I claimed to want real intimacy and connection, I could never seem to attract it.

The Sign You Need to Work on Becoming Emotionally Available

If you find that you attract/are attracted to people who are emotionally (and sometimes physically, morally, and spiritually) unavailable…

If you tend to excuse disrespectful behavior, try harder instead of walk away from red flags, and blame yourself for other people’s emotional limitations…

It is your own unavailability that you need to address; your own proverbial lawn that you need to mow.

We attract what we exude.

Don’t you want to attract someone who can maintain their own property? If you’re emotionally unavailable, you will claim to want that but secretly, only feel satisfied if you can turn weeds into a rose garden; horsesh*t into a bar of gold.

That’s the pattern. And it needs to end.

Situational vs. Habitual Emotional Unavailability

Even the most emotionally available people experience times of emotional unavailability.

This could be after:

• The death of a loved one
• A major health diagnosis
• Intense work stress
• A traumatic event
• Significant life transition

These things are situational and eventually pass.

But for people who are habitually unavailable, it is their lifestyle of choice. It’s the only way they can cope and operate.

If you find yourself consistently involved with people like this, the only way you will attract true love and a mutual, intimate relationship is to work on becoming emotionally available – right now (instead of continuing to make your evolution contingent upon being “good enough” for others to do what they don’t see a need to do).

What Is Emotional Availability?

Emotional availability is being able to consistently feel your way through difficult, undesirable, or painful emotions – both within yourself and in others.

You don’t avoid, dismiss, or run away from these feelings nor do you allow them to dictate your actions. You are able to be kind to yourself and remain in a non-reactive state (which means staying on your white horse).

The ability to be vulnerable is what prevents the delusion and denial of unavailability.

What Does Being Emotionally Available Mean?

Here are some characteristics of emotionally available people:

1. They are self-aware and able to self-reflect.

They can look inward without defensiveness. They know their patterns, triggers, and wounds. They don’t just react—they understand why they react.

2. They have fears but don’t live through them.

They have fears, feel shame, and insecure at times but they do not live their lives through the filter of fear, shame, and insecurity.

They feel these emotions but don’t let them drive every decision.

3. They don’t need you to fix their past.

They don’t need others to right the wrongs of their past or be their sources of confidence and identity. If they’re with someone, it’s because they want to be.

Not because they need validation, completion, or healing from you.

4. They are vulnerable.

These people can admit that they’re scared, uncomfortable, unsure, insecure, and sad. However, they don’t let these emotions define them nor do they sprint away from them.

They feel their way through every feeling (and reap the benefits of the vulnerability that this creates).

5. They are kind and patient with themselves.

These people have a level of self-compassion and unconditional self-love that allows them to be vulnerable – even in the presence of fear.

They don’t beat themselves up for having feelings or needing support.

6. They are consistent in their emotional availability.

They have a willingness, desire, and need to feel emotion; to genuinely connect and not run from feeling.

They’re not hot one day, cold the next. They show up consistently.

7. They aren’t selective in what they feel.

They aren’t selective in what they feel; they don’t just gravitate toward the good. They are aware that growth happens through pain as well.

Emotionally unavailable people will have intense flashes of connectivity but they can never maintain it. (If you have low self-esteem, you will mistake their intensity for a soulmate connection).

8. They don’t sabotage relationships.

They don’t sabotage their relationships, create drama or incite jealousy.

When things are going well, they don’t panic and blow it up. They can handle intimacy and closeness.

9. They aren’t attracted to emotionally unavailable people.

They aren’t attracted to emotionally unavailable people because they feel no compatibility (nor are they turned on by having to “unlock” basic things like communication, loyalty, and honesty).

Chasing, earning scraps, and potential feel repulsive to them—not exciting.

The 10 Steps to Becoming Emotionally Available

This post could lead you to all the answers, but it can’t dictate your level of hunger to apply them.

As one of my greatest influences in life, Les Brown, says, “You’ve got to be hungry.”

You have to want to turn inward and have an honest (uncomfortable) conversation with yourself.

Step 1: Acknowledge Your Emotional Unavailability

You can’t fix what you won’t admit.

Take the assessment: Am I Emotionally Unavailable?

Accept that:

• You ARE emotionally unavailable (if you’re reading this, you probably are)
• This isn’t a character flaw—it’s a protection mechanism
• You developed this for a reason (survival)
• But it’s no longer serving you

Stop fighting reality. Acknowledge it.

Step 2: Identify the Root Wound

You have to self-reflect – acknowledge what you are insecure about, what you’re scared of, and take inventory of everything you’ve been avoiding.

Ask yourself:

Childhood:

• Were my parents emotionally available?
• Did I receive conditional or unconditional love?
• Was I allowed to express emotions or told to “toughen up”?
• Did I have to be strong for others as a child?
• Was I abandoned, neglected, or betrayed?

Past relationships:

• When did I get hurt for being vulnerable?
• Who taught me that opening up = pain?
• What happened that made me build these walls?
• Am I trauma bonded to unavailable people?

Current patterns:

• What am I protecting myself from?
• What’s the worst thing that could happen if I let someone in?
• What do I believe about vulnerability? (Weak? Dangerous?)

Write it down. All of it.

Step 3: Get Professional Help (Non-Negotiable)

Emotional unavailability stems from trauma. You need trauma-informed therapy.

Types of therapy that help:

• Attachment-based therapy (for avoidant attachment)
• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)
• Somatic therapy (body-based trauma healing)
• Internal Family Systems (IFS)
• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

Why you can’t do this alone: Your defense mechanisms will sabotage you. A therapist helps you:

• Safely access buried emotions
• Process trauma without retraumatizing
• Identify patterns you can’t see
• Hold you accountable
• Teach vulnerability in safe doses

Therapy isn’t optional. It’s essential.

Step 4: Practice Micro-Vulnerability

You can’t go from completely closed to totally open overnight. Start small.

Micro-vulnerability exercises:

Week 1-2: Share one feeling

• Tell a safe person one real feeling
• Example: “I’m actually feeling overwhelmed today”
• Not: “I’m fine” (your default)

Week 3-4: Admit struggle

• Share something you’re struggling with
• Example: “I’m having a hard time with this project”
• Not: Pretending you have it all together

Week 5-6: Ask for help

• Ask someone for support with something small
• Example: “Can you help me move this weekend?”
• Not: Handling everything alone (your pattern)

Week 7-8: Share deeper

• Share something about your past
• Example: “My parents weren’t emotionally available”
• Not: Keeping your history secret

Week 9-10: Be vulnerable in the moment

• Express emotion as you feel it
• Example: Cry in front of someone you trust
• Not: Excusing yourself to cry alone

Build slowly. This is retraining your nervous system.

Step 5: Learn to Feel Your Feelings (Not Avoid Them)

Emotionally unavailable people are masters at avoiding feelings.

How you’ve been avoiding:

• Staying busy constantly (no time to feel)
• Substance use (numbing)
• Serial dating (distraction)
• Intellectualizing (analyzing vs. feeling)
• Deflecting with humor
• Dissociating

How to start feeling:

1. Name the emotion
   • “I feel scared”
   • “I feel sad”
   • “I feel angry”
2. Locate it in your body
   • Where do you feel it physically?
   • Tight chest? Stomach knot? Throat lump?
3. Let it be there
   • Don’t make it go away
   • Don’t judge it
   • Just feel it
4. Breathe through it
   • Deep breaths
   • The feeling will peak and pass
5. Process it
   • Journal about it
   • Talk about it in therapy
   • Let it move through you

Feelings aren’t permanent. They pass. But only if you feel them.

Step 6: Build Self-Compassion and Self-Worth

You built walls because you didn’t think you were worthy of protection any other way.

Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a chance (just like you’ve given too many to people who were never worthy of one).

Be patient with yourself (just as you would be with a child, an animal or the elderly).

Have some self-compassion.

Think about how many times you’ve empathized with toxic people (to the point that it took down your mental health).

It’s time you directed that same level of attention, empathy, and kindness to YOU.

Self-compassion practices:

• Talk to yourself like you’d talk to a friend
• Forgive yourself for past mistakes
• Acknowledge you did the best you could
• Celebrate small wins
• Stop perfectionism
• Accept you’re human

Build self-worth:

• You are worthy as you are (not when you “fix” yourself)
• Vulnerability isn’t weakness—it’s courage
• Your feelings matter
• You deserve love without earning it

The walls came from low self-worth. Healing requires building it back.

Step 7: Stop Dating Until You’re Healed

If you’re still attracting/choosing emotionally unavailable people, STOP DATING.

Why: You’ll just repeat the pattern. Every relationship will be:

• Another unavailable person
• Another attempt to earn love
• Another confirmation you’re not enough
• More trauma bonding
• Deeper wounding

Use this time to:

• Work on yourself in therapy
• Practice vulnerability with friends/family
• Build self-worth
• Heal attachment wounds
• Understand your patterns

How long? Until you can:

• Recognize emotional availability in others
• Feel attracted to consistent, available people
• Walk away from unavailable people immediately
• Be vulnerable without terror
• Stay when things are good (not sabotage)

Usually 6-12 months minimum of intensive work.

Don’t date your wounds. Heal them first.

Step 8: Learn to Recognize Emotional Availability

You can’t choose what you don’t recognize.

Emotionally available people:

• Are consistent (same person every day)
• Communicate clearly about feelings
• Don’t run when things get deep
• Can be vulnerable without falling apart
• Take accountability
• Show up when it’s hard
• Don’t play games
• Make you feel calm, not anxious
• Are present and engaged
• Want to know you deeply
• Don’t fear commitment or intimacy

If someone checks these boxes, don’t:

• Get bored because there’s “no chase”
• Create drama to feel excitement
• Sabotage because it’s “too good”
• Find flaws because they’re “too into you”
• Run because you’re scared

Stay. Practice receiving healthy love.

Step 9: Get Uncomfortable (This Is Where Healing Happens)

If you feel scared or like you’ve already wasted your life, I suggest that you start now. Don’t give up on yourself.

Get uncomfortable, write down everything that’s holding you back, and really feel your feelings so that you can finally, be comfortable in the most powerful position you could ever reside in: that of vulnerability.

It is scary, but you know what’s even scarier?

A wasted life.

Surface-level relationships.

An existence that you never get to experience the joy of because you were too scared to get up from the sidelines of your own life.

Discomfort exercises:

1. Have the conversation you’re avoiding
   • Tell someone how you really feel
   • Address the conflict
   • Stop pretending everything is fine
2. Stop performing
   • Let people see you without the mask
   • Be authentic even if messy
   • Stop managing your image
3. Stay when you want to run
   • When intimacy scares you, don’t bolt
   • Sit with the discomfort
   • Communicate instead of disappearing
4. Share your truth
   • Tell your story
   • Stop hiding your past
   • Let people know the real you
5. Admit when you’re wrong
   • Take accountability
   • Apologize genuinely
   • Stop defending/deflecting

Growth happens outside your comfort zone. Get there.

Step 10: Stop Trying to Fix Unavailable People

No one can do this for you but you.

Take a hard look at your life. Think of all the times you’ve tried to make toxic people feel loved and comfortable enough to be vulnerable, honest, and sincere.

How did that work out for you?

It worked out terribly for me because it came at a cost I could not afford: my peace and my mental health.

The path to emotional availability isn’t through trying to reverse the unavailability of others. It starts and ends with YOU.

Stop:

• Trying to earn love from unavailable people
• Waiting for them to change
• Being “patient” with their unavailability
• Explaining how relationships work
• Giving them chance after chance

Start:

• Working on your own availability
• Choosing yourself
• Walking away from unavailable people immediately
• Protecting your peace
• Building the relationship with yourself

You can’t fix them. You can only fix you.

The Timeline: How Long Does It Take?

Real talk: Becoming emotionally available is a PROCESS, not a quick fix.

Timeline expectations:

Months 1-3: Recognition & Commitment

• Acknowledge your unavailability
• Identify root wounds
• Start therapy
• Stop dating
• Begin feeling feelings (painfully)

Months 4-6: Difficult Work

• Processing trauma (this is the hardest part)
• Practicing micro-vulnerability
• Unlearning defense mechanisms
• Building self-compassion
• Confronting fears

Months 7-12: Integration

• Vulnerability becoming more natural
• Recognizing available people
• Attracting different dynamics
• Staying instead of running
• Less anxiety in intimacy

Year 2+: Maintenance

• Continued growth
• Deeper vulnerability capacity
• Healthier relationship patterns
• Occasional backsliding (normal)
• Ongoing self-awareness work

Most people: 1-2 years of consistent work to become genuinely emotionally available.

Severe cases: 3-5 years.

This isn’t a 30-day transformation. Be patient.

What Emotional Availability Feels Like

When you’re becoming emotionally available:

You’ll notice:

• Vulnerability feeling less terrifying
• Attraction to stable, consistent people
• Disinterest in chase dynamics
• Ability to stay when things are good
• Less anxiety in relationships
• Feeling your feelings without drowning
• Expressing needs without shame
• Accepting love without suspicion
• Connection feeling safe, not scary

You’ll stop:

• Sabotaging good relationships
• Creating drama for excitement
• Choosing unavailable people
• Running from intimacy
• Hiding your true self
• Performing for approval

You’ll start:

• Showing up authentically
• Being consistent
• Communicating openly
• Staying through discomfort
• Trusting safe people
• Building real intimacy

It feels like freedom. Not exposure.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can I become emotionally available without therapy?

Technically possible but extremely difficult and rare. Emotional unavailability stems from trauma, which requires professional help to heal safely. Trying to do it alone usually means staying stuck in the same patterns because your defense mechanisms will sabotage self-healing. Invest in therapy—it’s worth it.

How do I know if I’m making progress?

You’re making progress if: (1) Vulnerability feels slightly less terrifying over time, (2) You can identify and name emotions more easily, (3) You’re attracted to different types of people, (4) You don’t sabotage when things are going well, (5) You can stay present during difficult conversations, (6) Friends/family notice you’re more open. Progress isn’t linear—you’ll have setbacks, but the overall trend should be upward.

What if I become available but my partner is still unavailable?

You’ll naturally drift apart. As you become more available, unavailable dynamics will feel intolerable. You’ll stop accepting breadcrumbs, you’ll want real intimacy (which they can’t give), and you’ll likely leave. This is healthy. Read: Do Emotionally Unavailable Men Change?

Will I ever be able to trust again after being hurt?

Yes, but it takes time. Trust isn’t about believing everyone—it’s about trusting yourself to choose wisely and protect yourself if needed. Build boundaries, learn red flags, choose emotionally available people, and trust will rebuild gradually. It’s not about blind faith; it’s about earned trust with safe people.

How do I stay vulnerable without getting hurt?

You can’t guarantee you won’t get hurt—vulnerability always carries risk. But you CAN: (1) Choose emotionally available people (less likely to hurt you), (2) Set boundaries, (3) Pay attention to red flags, (4) Leave when mistreated, (5) Build resilience so hurt doesn’t destroy you. Vulnerability isn’t recklessness—it’s courage with discernment.

What if I start opening up and they leave?

If someone leaves because you’re being authentic, they weren’t the right person. Emotionally available people don’t run from vulnerability—they value it. If sharing your true self scares someone away, you dodged a bullet. The right person will appreciate your openness, not flee from it.

Can I be too emotionally available?

No such thing. What you might be thinking of is: (1) Over-functioning (doing emotional work for both people), (2) People-pleasing (ignoring your needs), (3) Anxious attachment (pursuing unavailable people), (4) Lack of boundaries. Emotional availability = being open AND having boundaries. Both are necessary.

How do I find emotionally available people to date?

Work on your own availability first. Then: (1) Look for consistency, not intensity, (2) Notice how you feel (calm vs. anxious), (3) Watch actions over words, (4) Assess early (don’t excuse red flags), (5) Date your standards, not potential. Emotionally available people aren’t hiding—you just haven’t been able to recognize them yet.

The Bottom Line: Only Then Will You Attract Available Love

The path to emotional availability isn’t through trying to reverse the unavailability of others. It starts and ends with YOU.

Only then will you attract people who are just as compassionate, just as vulnerable, and although they may be fearful of many things… connection will never be one of them.

You’ve got this. And we’ve got each other.

Your Next Step: Start the Work

If you’re ready to become emotionally available:

My book Win Your Breakup: How To Be The One That Got Away addresses emotional unavailability and healing attachment wounds.

If you need personalized support:

One-on-one coaching provides guidance for healing emotional unavailability and building vulnerability capacity.

If you want to understand where you’re at:

• Read: Am I Emotionally Unavailable? Take the Assessment
• Read: Emotionally Unavailable Men: Complete Guide
• Read: Avoidant Attachment: Why You Push People Away

Stop waiting for someone to make you feel safe enough to open up.

Start doing the work to become safe for yourself.

Stop trying to fix unavailable people.

Start fixing your own availability.

Your White Horse isn’t someone you have to unlock.

Your White Horse is someone who shows up open, honest, and available.

Be that for yourself first.

Then find someone who matches it.

Written by: Natasha Adamo

If you need further and more specific help; if you’re ready to stop choosing unavailable people and become emotionally available yourself, personalized coaching with Natasha Adamo is the answer. Book your one-on-one session today.

Related Articles You Must Read:

• Am I Emotionally Unavailable? Take the Assessment
• Emotionally Unavailable Men: Stop Being His Free Therapist
• Do Emotionally Unavailable Men Change?
• Avoidant Attachment: Why You Push People Away
• Anxious Attachment: Why You Choose Unavailable People
• How to Build Self-Worth
• How to Set Boundaries
• Trauma Bonding: Why You Can’t Leave

About Natasha Adamo

Natasha Adamo is a globally recognized self-help author, relationship expert, and motivational speaker. With over 2.5 million devoted blog readers and clients in thirty-one countries, she is a beacon of inspiration to many. Her debut bestseller, “Win Your Breakup”, offers a unique perspective on personal growth after breakups. Natasha’s mission is to empower individuals to develop healthier relationships and actualize their inherent potential.