How To Break A Narcissist's Heart: An Easy Guide To Revenge

Skip to ContentQuizzes

• PRO Courses Hot Guides Tech Help Pro Expert Videos About wikiHow Pro Upgrade
• QUIZZES All Quizzes Hot Love Quizzes Personality Quizzes Trivia Quizzes Taylor Swift Quizzes
• EDIT Edit this Article
• EXPLORE Tech Help ProAbout UsRandom ArticleQuizzes Request a New ArticleCommunity DashboardTrendingForums Arts and EntertainmentArtworkBooksMoviesComputers and ElectronicsComputersPhone SkillsTechnology HacksHealthMen's HealthMental HealthWomen's HealthRelationshipsDatingLoveRelationship Issues Hobbies and CraftsCraftsDrawingGamesEducation & CommunicationCommunication SkillsPersonal DevelopmentStudyingPersonal Care and StyleFashionHair CarePersonal Hygiene Quizzes Love Quizzes Personality Quizzes Fun Games Arts and EntertainmentFinance and BusinessHome and GardenRelationship Quizzes Cars & Other VehiclesFood and EntertainingPersonal Care and StyleSports and Fitness Computers and ElectronicsHealthPets and AnimalsTravel Education & CommunicationHobbies and CraftsPhilosophy and ReligionWork World Family LifeHolidays and TraditionsRelationshipsYouth
• LOG IN

  Log in

  Social login does not work in incognito and private browsers. Please log in with your username or email to continue. Facebook Google wikiHow Account No account yet? Create an account
• RANDOM

• Home
• Random
• Browse Articles
• TrendingNew
• Quizzes & Games
• All QuizzesHot
• Love Quizzes
• Personality Quizzes
• Fun Games
• Dating Simulator
• Learn Something New
• Forums
• Courses
• Happiness Hub
• Explore More
• Support wikiHow
• About wikiHow

• Log in / Sign up

Terms of Use wikiHow is where trusted research and expert knowledge come together. Learn why people trust wikiHow

• Categories
• Relationships

12 Ways to Break a Narcissist's Heart Download Article Explore this Article IN THIS ARTICLE 1 Do what makes you happy. 2 Flaunt how well things are going in your life. 3 Set boundaries to protect yourself. 4 Ignore their forms of manipulation. 5 Deny them what they want. 6 Stay calm when they try to upset you. 7 Cut off all contact with them if you can. 8 Be leery of future love bombing. 9 Love yourself instead of loving them. 10 Build a support system for yourself. 11 Don’t take on blame or guilt. 12 Focus on healing. + Show 9 more... - Show less... Other Sections Questions & Answers VideoWATCH NOW Tips and Warnings Related Articles Expert Interview References Article Summary Co-authored by Jay Reid, LPCC and Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA

Last Updated: August 2, 2024 Approved

Download Article ARTICLE VIDEO X

This article was co-authored by Jay Reid, LPCC and by wikiHow staff writer, Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA. Jay Reid is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping clients who have survived a narcissistic parent or partner. Treatment focuses upon helping clients identify and challenge self-diminishing beliefs as a result of narcissistic abuse. Jay holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and an MS in Clinical Psychology from Penn State University. There are 10 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. wikiHow marks an article as reader-approved once it receives enough positive feedback. In this case, 93% of readers who voted found the article helpful, earning it our reader-approved status. This article has been viewed 840,728 times.

Narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD, is characterized by a lack of empathy, an overinflated ego, and a sense of entitlement.[1] Only a qualified psychologist can diagnose someone with NPD. However, if you think someone in your life has narcissistic qualities and they've hurt you or broken your heart, we totally understand if you're feeling a mix of sadness, anger, and betrayal right now. Living your best life really is the best revenge. We’ll help you take control after a breakup so you can heal and move on.

Steps

1

Do what makes you happy.

Download Article

1. Go after what you really want, without worrying about their opinion. When you’re with a narcissist, they might try to undermine you and make you think you can’t trust yourself. They want you to feel like you’re less important than they are, but you’re just as competent and capable.[2] Make the choices that feel right to you, and avoid giving them any control over you or your life. The best thing you can do is move on.
   • You might go after the job you want, even though they said you wouldn’t be good at it. Similarly, you may decide to start a new hobby even though your ex said it would be a waste of time.
   • Learn to follow your intuition.
Advertisement

2

Flaunt how well things are going in your life.

Download Article

1. Seeing you happy will make your ex regret losing you. Some narcissists don’t have the emotional capacity for true happiness. They can only play games and try to put others down.[3] Show them you’re living your best life without them, and they’ll experience their own version of heartbreak. You could:
   • Post photos on social media of you having fun with friends or family.
   • Brag to your mutual friends about your accomplishments or progress on goals.
   • Go on a few casual or group dates to dip your toes in the dating scene.
   • Give yourself a post-breakup makeover.

3

Set boundaries to protect yourself.

Download Article

1. Boundaries help you move on. Establish boundaries by figuring out what you need from this person. Then, tell them your expectations for them. Be honest about what you’re willing to accept from them, and what you won’t allow.[4] You might say things like:
   • “Please stop contacting me.”
   • “Don’t share my photos with other people.”
   • “I won’t talk to you when you’re yelling.”
   • “I’m ending the conversation if you call me names.”
   • “I’m only going to talk to you about the kids.”
Advertisement

4

Ignore their forms of manipulation.

Download Article

1. Narcissists may play games to manipulate you, but you don't have to buy in. They might have a whole slew of games they use to control you, such as love bombing, gaslighting, and revenge. Avoid playing their games, and just ignore them when they try to manipulate you so they don’t have control anymore.[5]
   • Don't argue with a narcissist because they might just keep escalating things until they get their way. Someone with NPD is incapable of seeing things from your point of view. Just ignore them.[6]
   • Revenge is actually one of the narcissist’s games. When they feel slighted, they may spread rumors about you, destroy your stuff, or get violent. In some cases, they'll pursue revenge over a long period of time.[7]
   • Reader Poll: We asked 1515 wikiHow readers, and 73% of them agreed that the most effective way to ignore a narcissist is to cut off or limit your contact with them. [Take Poll]

Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Am I Dating a Narcissist?

Only a mental health professional can diagnose Narcissistic Personality Disorder), but there are plenty of red flags you can look out for. Take this quiz to find out where you stand. 1 of 12

How did they act when you first started dating?

Super lovey-dovey. They thought our relationship was written in the stars!

Extra charming. They really knew how to lay it on.

A little flirtatious. Nothing too overkill, though!

Friendly and respectful. They had a healthy sense of boundaries.

Next 5

Deny them what they want.

Download Article

1. Focusing on your needs shows them what they’re losing. Many narcissists are users. They expect you to be there for them, but they have no intention of reciprocating.[8] Start saying “no” to them, and focus on what you want instead. They’ll get super frustrated and realize how great a partner you were for them.
   • Stop returning their phone calls and texts.
   • Don’t react to anything they say or do.
   • Refuse to give them compliments.
   • Stop doing favors for them.
   Esther Perel, Psychotherapist

   You have control over yourself and your relationships. "It takes two people to create a pattern, but only one to change it."

Advertisement

6

Stay calm when they try to upset you.

Download Article

1. Narcissists need a reaction from you to be fulfilled, so don't give them one. They want you to get mad, distressed, or apologetic. Any type of reaction will make them feel like they’re winning, whether it’s lashing out, crying, or apologizing. Even though it’s hard, do your best to be calm and not react.[9] Try:[10]
   • Taking several deep breaths.
   • Counting to 10.
   • Repeating the word “relax” to yourself.
   • Imagining a calm scene.
   • Stretching.

7

Cut off all contact with them if you can.

Download Article

1. Communicating with your ex gives them power, so take it away. They may try to use lines of communication to weasel their way back into your life. On the other hand, going no contact makes them feel your loss.[11] Block them on your phone and social media, and try to avoid places they’ll be.
   • You might have to keep talking to them if you have kids together or if you work with them. Try to keep your conversations limited to talking about your children or your job.
Advertisement

8

Be leery of future love bombing.

Download Article

1. Avoid their attempts to suck you back in to keep control over your life. Some narcissists use a tactic called love bombing to draw you in, They may treat you like they did in the beginning of your relationship—charming and sweet. They’re hoping to draw you back to them, which is called “hoovering.” However, this change is temporary, and they’ll often be back to their narcissistic behavior again once you lower your defenses. Brush off their efforts and you’ll come out on top.[12]
   • They’ll likely shower you with compliments and tell you how much they miss you. They’re only going to keep this up until you come back, and then they’ll be back to their games.

9

Love yourself instead of loving them.

Download Article

1. Use your energy to feed your own ego to prove that you're important. Instead of showering them with love, focus your efforts on meeting your own needs. Additionally, go after your hopes and dreams.[13] Seeing you shine will drive a narcissist crazy and show them once and for all that they have no power over you.
   • Identify goals that are important to you.
   • Practice self care so you look and feel your best.
   • Compliment yourself.
Advertisement

10

Build a support system for yourself.

Download Article

1. Rely on people who care about you as you recover. You deserve love and support, and there are people out there who truly value you. You might even make some new friends who don’t know your ex. That way, you’ll have people who are totally on your side.[14]
   • It’s possible that a narcissist will try to turn some people against you. This experience can be super painful, but it has nothing to do with you. Eventually, most people will recognize that your ex is the true problem. In the meantime, spend time with people who see your truth.

11

Don’t take on blame or guilt.

Download Article

1. Narcissists may try to blame you for everything, but you’re not responsible. If your ex insulted, gaslit, or lied to you, their behavior is not your fault.[15] When you start to feel critical of yourself, remind yourself that you aren’t responsible. Additionally, talk to someone you trust who can offer you encouragement.
   • Tell yourself things like, “I did everything I could to make our relationship wonderful,” “I can’t control anyone else’s actions,” and “I gave 100% to my relationship.”
   • Vent about your experiences to someone you can trust. Unfortunately, talking to a narcissist may only make them work harder to make you feel bad.
Advertisement

12

Focus on healing.

Download Article

1. Narcissists may try to steal your power by criticizing you, so focus on self-empowerment. Their insults can damage your self-esteem, and they may have even made you doubt yourself.[16] The truth is that you’re very worthy of love, and you have lots of wonderful and unique qualities that make you special. Take some time to remind yourself what makes you amazing.
   • Consider working with a therapist to help you rebuild your self-esteem after this toxic relationship. They can help you heal from narcissistic abuse.

Community Q&A

Search Add New Question

• Question My husband and I have been married for 5 years, and we have two kids. He seems to be a narcissist. I have caught him cheating several times. He always promises to change. What should I do? Haley Peng Community Answer Leave him! If he has cheated on you several times, he is a player. Stay away from him! He doesn't deserve you. Thanks! We're glad this was helpful. Thank you for your feedback. If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow Yes No Not Helpful 97 Helpful 513

Ask a Question 200 characters left Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered. Submit Advertisement

Video

Read Video Transcript

Tips

• Since true narcissists need constant attention, they often hop from relationship to relationship. Expect them to move on quickly, but don’t let it get you down. They’re just desperate to replace you.[17] Thanks Helpful 55 Not Helpful 10

Submit a Tip All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published Name Please provide your name and last initial Submit Thanks for submitting a tip for review! Advertisement

You Might Also Like

How to Get Your Narcissistic Ex to Regret Losing You How to Get Over a Narcissistic Relationship 11 Ways to Drive a Narcissist Nuts How to Get Revenge on a Narcissist Make a Narcissist Come Crawling Back How Do Narcissists Treat Their Exes? (What They Do & How to Handle It) Going No Contact with a Narcissist? 11 Potential Reactions How to Ignore a Narcissist & How They’ll Respond How to Outsmart a Narcissist How to Respond to a Narcissistic Ex-Husband What to Do After Being Discarded by a Narcissist When a Narcissist Loses Control: What to Expect and How to Get Control Back How to Break Up with a Narcissistic Partner over Text How to Get Away From a Narcissist Advertisement

Expert Interview

Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about narcissism, check out our in-depth interview with Jay Reid, LPCC.

References

1. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK556001/
2. ↑ Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview
3. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-self/2017/11/narcissists-hate-happy#1
4. ↑ Adam Dorsay, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker. Expert Interview
5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201901/why-narcissists-play-games-your-heart
6. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
7. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/manipulation-games-narcissists-play#types-of-games
8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201901/why-narcissists-play-games-your-heart
9. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-heal-from-emotional-abuse/

More References (8)

10. ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control
11. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
12. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview
13. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
14. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
15. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-heal-from-emotional-abuse/
16. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview
17. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm

About This Article

Co-authored by: Jay Reid, LPCC Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor This article was co-authored by Jay Reid, LPCC and by wikiHow staff writer, Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA. Jay Reid is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping clients who have survived a narcissistic parent or partner. Treatment focuses upon helping clients identify and challenge self-diminishing beliefs as a result of narcissistic abuse. Jay holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and an MS in Clinical Psychology from Penn State University. This article has been viewed 840,728 times. 130 votes - 93% Co-authors: 8 Updated: August 2, 2024 Views: 840,728 Categories: Relationships Article SummaryX

If you’ve had a bad breakup with a narcissist, you might be tempted to get back at them. The most important thing is to set strong boundaries for yourself. This will not only protect you, but it will also frustrate the narcissist, since they want to feel like they can control you. Let them know you won’t tolerate certain behaviors and establish clear consequences. If possible, cut off contact with them and don’t answer their calls or texts. If they try to manipulate or upset you, calmly ignore them or tell them “no.” Focus on caring for yourself and living your best possible life without them, which will let them know that you don’t need them to be happy and fulfilled. Did this summary help you?YesNo

In other languages Indonesian Portuguese Hindi French Spanish Italian Thai German Vietnamese Korean Japanese

• Print
• Send fan mail to authors

Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 840,728 times.

Reader Success Stories

• 

  Tan S.

  Mar 9, 2023

  "Thank you the article, it touches on the critical aspects of a narcissistic person and how to deal with them. I..." more Rated this article:

More reader stories Hide reader stories Share your story

Did this article help you?

Yes No Advertisement Cookies make wikiHow better. By continuing to use our site, you agree to our cookie policy. Co-authored by: Jay Reid, LPCC Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor Co-authors: 8 Updated: August 2, 2024 Views: 840,728 93% of readers found this article helpful. 130 votes - 93% Click a star to add your vote

Tan S.

Mar 9, 2023

"Thank you the article, it touches on the critical aspects of a narcissistic person and how to deal with them. I..." more Rated this article:

Anonymous

Oct 8, 2024

"Very good information, straightforward, up to date, and very encouraging! It sucks when the perpetrator is family!..." more

Lizzy

Sep 16, 2022

"This article verify everything I was thinking in reference to my sister and myself. We are 11 months apart in..." more

Snowie Murray

Sep 11, 2022

"I am currently going through a rough breakup with a narcissist and this has helped me. Now I understand what is..." more

Ashton

Oct 1, 2022

"I had an extremely toxic friend who would constantly be reminding me of the people at school calling me names. I..." more Share yours! More success stories Hide success stories

Quizzes & Games

Am I Dating a Narcissist QuizTake QuizAm I Toxic QuizTake QuizNarcissist TestTake QuizAm I a Narcissist or an Empath QuizTake QuizIs My Husband a Narcissist QuizTake QuizIs My Mom a Narcissist QuizTake Quiz

You Might Also Like

How to Get Your Narcissistic Ex to Regret Losing YouHow to Get Over a Narcissistic Relationship11 Ways to Drive a Narcissist NutsHow to Get Revenge on a Narcissist

Trending Articles

How Rare Is Your Name?The Different Kinds of Dimples: Types, Causes, & Social Perception151 of the Juiciest “Most Likely To” Questions to AskSigns a Woman is Sexually Attracted to YouHow toTell That Your Crush Likes You BackCat Sleeping Positions: 22 Common Poses Explained

Watch Articles

How toCalculate the Volume of a PyramidThe Best Way to Exfoliate Your Scalp (Plus, What to Use)How toSave Money as a KidHow toPolish Aluminum2 Easy Renter-Friendly Options to Hang Your Window TreatmentsHow to Insert Slide Numbers in PowerPoint

Trending Articles

Are You Unc? Discover How Old Your Vibe IsWhat's My Hottest Feature QuizGen Beta Slang Quiz24 Different Types of Bras ExplainedHow to Play the Concentrate Game (For A Little Scare!)What Does Your Rice Purity Score Really Mean?

Quizzes & Games

Am I Being Gaslighted QuizTake QuizWhat's Your Red Flag QuizTake QuizAm I Love Bombing QuizTake QuizIs My Relationship Toxic QuizTake QuizIs My Friend Toxic QuizTake QuizWhat's My Hate Language QuizTake Quiz

• Categories
• Relationships

wikiHow Newsletter You're all set! Helpful how-tos delivered toyour inbox every week! Sign me up! By signing up you are agreeing to receive emails according to our privacy policy.

• Home
• About wikiHow
• Experts
• Jobs
• Contact Us
• Site Map
• Terms of Use
• Privacy Policy
• Do Not Sell or Share My Info
• Not Selling Info
• Contribute

Follow Us

×

Get the free weekly newsletter

wikiHow's Best Advice on Dating & Love

Subscribe The first issue is coming soon! X --650