How To Deal With An Alcoholic Partner - Priory Group

The dos of talking to your alcoholic partner about their drinking

The idea of talking to your alcoholic partner about their drinking can be daunting. We've put together advice so you can go into the conversation with confidence, and make sure that it's as effective as possible.

• DO carry out some research and get a good understanding of alcohol addiction beforehand. This knowledge can help you when explaining the types of behaviour that are worrying you. It can also help you to recognise any attempts to deceive or undermine you, which your alcoholic partner may try to do during the conversation
• DO look into the addiction treatment that's available in your area. That way, if your partner decides that it's the right time to think about getting help, you can show them the professional support that is available to them
• DO have the conversation when they're sober. That way, they're more likely to listen to what you have to say
• DO let them know the impact that their drinking is having on you and others within the household. By keeping the conversation on you rather than them, it can help them to understand the emotional impact of their drinking. You could say something like: “You came home really drunk and woke up the children. I’m really worried about the impact that this will have on them. What can we do about this?” Or: “You didn’t come home last night. I’m starting to feel really alone. What can we do to address this?”
• DO let them know that you love them and will be there to support them through their recovery. Admitting they have a problem and accessing support can be really scary, so knowing that they have your support can help to get them on the right path

The don’ts of talking to your alcoholic partner about their drinking

• DON’T talk to them when they’re drunk as they are unlikely to take in what you have to say. Anger and alcohol are often linked, so they may become defensive and angry when you approach them, making it an even more challenging situation
• DON’T shout, judge or blame. This may understandably be very hard, because of the pain that they've put you through, but the person is likely grappling with a lot of fear and shame. Approaching the conversation in a negative way could cause them to retreat further away from you into their addiction
• DON’T accept that you're the reason for their drinking or any requests for you to change your behaviour. An alcoholic partner may say that they’ll cut down if you don’t nag them, tell anyone or put pressure on them. Remember that this isn’t your fault, and the person would be battling with an alcohol problem whether or not they were with you
• DON’T rush into coming up with a plan together and avoid having unrealistic expectations, even if they say that they're going to cut down or stop drinking. We understand that this can be difficult, as you want this part of your life to be over. Instead, allow there to be a period of reflection after the conversation, and continue to express yourself openly and honestly. If they want to change, encourage them to take small steps, like getting in contact with their GP to discuss their options