How To Fake Sick Successfully - Edina Zephyrus

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is the holy grail of faking sick. After watching this movie several times (for research purposes ONLY) and talking to a few EHS students, I have compiled a beyond perfect guide to getting out of school by faking sick. But first, it is important to note that any students looking to embark on this journey of deceit must be fully committed and willing to lie, deny, and lie some more to those they love. For those brave souls willing to take on the challenge, here we go.

First, pick a disease, then lay it on thick the night before the anticipated “sick day.” My personal favorites are the common cold, the stomach flu, or a reoccurring  bug.

If you choose the common cold, I recommend using makeup. While makeup is typically used to beautify, it can be used just as effectively to zombie-fy someone. If you do not have makeup, twisting your nose (to make it look red and irritated) and stretching your lips (to make them look dry and painful) can help achieve the desired tragic look.

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If you choose the stomach flu, waking your mom or dad up in the middle of the night to report a barfing incident is not a bad idea. If you’re feeling bold, consider mixing up a batch of fake vomit (recipe provided below) to add a layer of legitimacy.

But what if you need to leave school in the MIDDLE of the school day? Who should you talk to? The school nurse, that’s who. I sat down with the nurse to discuss some the dos and don’ts of faking. “’I just threw up in the bathroom’ is perceived as a good [excuse]. I can definitely tell if they’re faking or not,” explained the Ann Little, the delightful school nurse.

Most shocking was Little’s report about the interactions between teachers and the health office. “Teachers will shoot us e-mails on test days, so we know which students to look out for,” said Little.

The final piece of advice given to students by the nurse is about passes. Getting a pass puts the nurses at ease and makes it seem like the reasons for a visit have nothing to do with skipping class.

Destroy this article before you attempt to fake sick. After all, we wouldn’t want your parents matching all of your carefully disguised “symptoms” to this article.

RECIPE FOR FAKE VOMIT (Scientifically proven to trick your parents.)

1-cup dog food (acceptable to replace with old spaghetti)

½-cup mashed bananas

1-cup orange juice

Mix ingredients together until a repulsive consistency and color is achieved. Glob the “vomit” around the bathroom, in your bed, in the kitchen, wherever!