How To Finger Someone Really Well, According To A Sexpert

Jump to:

• Fingering tips
• How to finger someone
• How to finger the G-spot
• How to finger someone anally

Fingering seems like a pretty basic move, right? But as ‘entry level’ as it might seem, it doesn’t mean we all know what it takes to finger someone (whether it be a partner or ourselves) really well.

Fingering can be really important part of sex and foreplay. It’s not all about penetration: around 80% of women and people with vulvas can’t climax from just penetration and *also* require clitoral stimulation to get there.

We’ve asked sex educator Amari, as well as our friends at Kinkly, and a few other experts to give you a thorough fingering bootcamp... thank us later.

Fingering tips

Some housekeeping before you start, please. As Dr Eskander, a consultant gynaecologist at The Gynae Centre tells us: “By keeping your fingernails short and clean you can reduce the risk of infection.”

Also, here’s your reminder to take it easy! Being too rough and vigorous can result in vaginal tears which, although minute, take a few days to heal and, as Eskander reminds us, “increase the risk of catching an STI, particularly if there is an exchange of bodily fluids”.

Plus, adds Amari, you should never go from anal to vaginal fingering without washing your hands, as this can spread bacteria and infection.

As a rule of thumb, fingers are a great tool for creating the persistent and often nuanced stimulation needed to really pleasure a vulva — and deliver a mind-blowing orgasm to your partner.

The raw materials are great: fingers are nimble, agile, and strong. Fingertips are alive with different nerves, allowing them to be receptive to a partner’s changing cues and to play with the sensitive skin of the labia, clitoris, and vagina.

“Fingering allows for precise control over pressure, speed, and rhythm, making it easy to tailor the experience to what feels best,” says Amari. “It can be combined with oral, clitoral, or penetrative stimulation for maximum pleasure, or enjoyed on its own as a deeply satisfying experience. Fingering is also a great way to explore the G-spot, A-spot, and the internal structure of the clitoris, offering sensations that other forms of stimulation might not reach.”

But like all instruments, you need to use your hands right if you want to create the desired effect.

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How to finger someone

Do: become familiar with the vulva

You’re probably already aware that the clitoris is a hub of sexual pleasure for women and people with vaginas. It has an astounding 8,000 nerve endings (sensitive, much?) and despite appearing tiny from outside, actually extends deep into the pelvic area and around the vagina. It’s even possible for G-spot orgasms to occur from stimulating the back-side of the clitoris.

However, the clit isn’t the be-all and end-all: the rest of your partner’s vulva also deserves some attention. You should also keep in mind that it’s really important not to shock those 8,000 super-sensitive nerve endings with a super intense start — not only can this be jarring, it can also be painful. Touch and caress other areas of the vulva as a way of easing into clitoral stimulation.

To help you know which areas to target, here’s a quick anatomy lesson for you! The vulva is made up of the pubic mound, the inner labia, and outer labia, the clitoris, the vaginal opening, and, just beneath, the perineum. Each of these areas are sensitive and responsive to touch. Which is to say: for expert fingering, you should try working in a few of these areas — just listen to your partner’s needs and discover which work for them.

Do: use lube

“The wetter the better,” says Amari. “Lube isn’t just for menopausal people or P-in-V sex. It makes everything smoother, softer, and better.”

The more slippery your subject, the more satisfying your touch will be. Discard the idea that natural lubrication is enough: vaginal wetness is subject to the body’s fluctuations and can be impacted by hydration, hormones, medication, and stress. Instead of leaving it all up to chance, get cracking with the lube. (If you’re using sex toys, condoms, and/or latex gloves, remember to use water-based lube.)

Don’t: start at full speed

Remember, it’s a marathon not a sprint. Vulvas respond well to stimulation that is sensual and slow. This is because it takes an average of at least 15 minutes of stimulation for a vulva-owner to reach orgasm. Fingering is not an exercise in instant gratification. Instead, it helps to think about it as a story with a beginning, middle, and end.

Don’t start at the end of the story by launching straight into clitoral stimulation. Instead, craft a narrative: slowly reel in your partner’s attention, draw out new characters and twists, build up the tension, and then — only then, when they are hanging onto each word, is it time to unveil the ending.

Start slow and gentle and steadily increase the speed and intensity as you gravitate towards more sensitive terrain. This isn’t just about setting the right pace: it encourages blood to flow to your partner’s genitals. This amps up their arousal, making them more receptive to intense stimulation and pulling them closer to the beginnings of orgasm.

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Do: build anticipation

So, now you know you need to slowly build up the intensity. But you also should be working your way from the outside in, towards the clitoris. It can help to conceptualise the clitoris as a sort of bullseye. You can begin by stroking the outer edges of that target — the thighs and lower stomach, for example. This can all be done with your fingers — the sensation should be light and teasing, building up the anticipation.

If your partner is enjoying the process so far, you can move your caresses in closer, towards the pubic mound, labia, and perineum. To spike your partner’s interest, you might even run a single finger over the clitoris. But don’t jump in yet — make those touches light and teasing.

Hopefully by this point your partner should be becoming more and more aroused. If that’s the case, you can start zoning in on the areas they are responding to the most, being sure to make your touch more rhythmic and consistent as you go. You can do this by perhaps rubbing a finger back and forth, or tracing a circle. As always, it’s good to listen: use your partner’s words and cues as your roadmap.

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Do: seek verbal and physical cues

And on that point… As things heat up, it’s important to tune in to your partner’s bodily response, the directions they give you, and any sounds they make. If you switch up the rhythm or direction of your touch and things get quiet, course correct. If your partner moans, gasps, their breathing gets heavier, or they let you know that they like what you’re doing, it’s safe to say you’re on the right track.

When it turns hot and heavy, move closer to your partner and allow yourself to get lost in their movements, pleasure, and breathing. It’s never not important to be attentive to your sexual partner’s body language, but it’s tantamount for fingering. There is no advice that will serve you better than listening to your partner’s wants and needs, so make sure you take note.

Don’t: change the rhythm when things are going well

Look, we’ve all been here. When our partners are clearly really into something, that turns us on too. The way they are responding to touch is so hot that we might alter our rhythm or pressure because we want to make them feel even better. But while that’s an understandable reaction, it’s one you’re best to avoid. When your partner is loving what you’re doing, it’s a sure sign that you should stick to it.

Successful fingering comes down to persistent and rhythmic stimulation. If the pace and pressure are working, make sure you keep going — unless your partner asks for something different.

Want a helping hand? Maybe you might want to work in a clitoral vibrator to further arouse their clit or, better still, a specialist finger vibrator. Begin with a low setting and speed to keep this stimulation persistent and consistent. According to how they like it, you might gently brush the vibrator against their clit to tease them, or apply the toy just above it.

Do: ask your partner before trying penetration

You’re going to have to wait until your partner is properly warmed up, but some people like some penetration as part of their finger play. Before you begin make sure to ask your partner if it’s okay for you to go inside. Once you slip a finger or two in, these are a few moves you can try out.

• A circular, swirling motion inside the vagina. This targets the sensitive area at the opening of the vagina.
• G-spot stimulation (the spongy area of tissue, found two to three inches inside the vagina’s front wall). There are a few G-spot techniques you can try, but the most common is a firm ‘come-hither’ motion, using a finger or two against the vagina front wall.
• Switch things up by slipping your fingers in the vagina, caressing the G-spot, then slipping them back out, up, and over the clitoris. Repeat as necessary.
• Get handy: use the rest of your hand to caress and massage the clitoris and labia while your fingers move rhythmically in and out.

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It’s important to check in with your partner about whether they like what you’re doing. Ultimately, this should be a joint effort, with you both working as a team toward your partner’s ultimate pleasure. And, says Amari, while it’s good to “focus on the G-spot, don’t obsess”. “Not everyone loves G-spot stimulation, so pay attention to their reactions.”

If they do like, but you’re concerned about finding their G-spot, you can always use a toy specially designed to massage it. Sex toys with a curved or bulbed tip are made to target vibrations and pressure to the G-spot.

An avid multitasker? You might also want to take a rampant rabbit vibrator for a spin, these sex toys are designed to target the clitoris and G-spot simultaneously.

If you want to experiment with using toys while you finger a partner, bullet vibrators are an affordable and accessible option, but remember, these toys are for external stimulation *only*.

Do: let your partner know they’re turning you on

As your partner edges closer and closer to orgasm their breathing will get faster, their body will tense up, and their noises and moans will either grow louder or much softer. At this stage, it’s crucial that you maintain your focus.

By now, you might be stimulating the clitoris directly and, if your partner is into it, the stimulation can be pretty rough and intense. But as we’ve stressed, it’s important to keep up the rhythm and touch that’s working for them, and check in to see what they need.

“Use your thumb (or other hand) to rub circles, up-and-down strokes, or gentle taps on the clit while fingering,” advises Amari. “For most people, clitoral stimulation is the key to orgasm, so don’t be afraid to throw in some toys and your tongue.”

To tip them over the edge, all it takes is a little something extra. Maybe kissing them extra hard, looking deep in their eyes, or caressing their neck. You might also want to let them know just how much they’re turning you on. The best sex engages the body and the mind fully. Making sure your partner is fully in tune with their body and present in their mind can help move them to climax.

Don’t: assume every partner is the same

You should keep in mind that every person (and every vulva) is different. There’s no one size fits all approach to fingering as we each have our own unique preferences.

“Ask! Ask! Ask!” says Amari. “Everyone is different; what feels amazing for one person might not work for another. Your partner has likely spent years learning their own pleasure through masturbation, so put your ego aside and ask: ‘What do you like?’, ‘Can you show me what feels good for you?’.”

If sex is a skill, the most important part of that skill is listening to and learning about your partner’s sexual quirks. For example, did you know that some people prefer stimulation on a specific side of their clitoris? Do you know which side your partner prefers? You should. Small changes to your fingering technique over time are the things that can send your partner beyond just orgasm and into a place of sexual bliss.

You hold the power to make that happen — all thanks to your skilful, sexy hands. In the eternal words of Paris Hilton, that’s hot.

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How to finger the G-spot

Of course, the G-spot is the erogenous zone that is often touted as the key to mind-blowing orgasms. However, as it is thought to be found just underneath the front vaginal wall, it can be tricky to find — and there has previously been contention on whether it even exists at all.

However, sex is always a great time to explore (providing everyone consents, of course) so start by gently slip two well-lubed fingers inside your partner, and then alternate pressing your fingertips against their front vaginal wall.

Also, during foreplay, stimulate your partner internally as the other hand strokes their lower-belly border, stimulating the area where their G-spot could be from the outside.

For further hints and tips on the G-spot, you can read our full, comprehensive guide here.

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How to finger someone anally

While we have explored vaginal fingering, you can also try your hand at anal fingering should you both be willing to explore the possibilty.

Anal fingering can be pretty great for men or people with penises, in no small part thanks to the added bonus of a prostate massage. However, while women and people with vaginas don’t happen to have a prostate gland (AKA a P-spot), ass fingering can still feel amazing thanks to all of the sensitive nerves in the area.

Here’s a golden rule for anything anal related: you’re going to need a lot of lube. Before you get started, lube up your fingers as well as your partner's butt. “The anus (unlike the vagina) is not self-lubricating, so use lots and lots of lube whenever doing any anal pleasure,” explains Alice Child, sexologist at SheSpot.

Try stimulating around the anus first, moving your fingers in circles around the hole. Then, slowly, insert a finger into the anus. “This is a new sensation that will take your body time (sometimes months!) to get used to,” continues Child. “Start externally, with no penetration, and slowly work your way up to gentle penetration if it feels good to do so.”

You can read our full guide on how to finger someone anally here.

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From: Cosmopolitan UKMegan WallaceFormer Sex and Relationships Editor

Megan Wallace (they/them) is Cosmopolitan UK’s Former Sex and Relationships Editor covering sexual pleasure, sex toys, LGBTQIA+ identity, dating and romance. They have covered sexuality and relationships for over five years and are the founder of the PULP zine, which publishes essays on culture and sex. In their spare time, they can be found exploring the London kink scene and planning dates on Feeld.

Emilie LaviniaFormer Sex and Relationships Editor

Emilie Lavinia is Cosmopolitan UK's Former Sex and Relationships Editor. An accredited Sex Educator and Sexologist, Emilie explores identity, equity and innovations in sex, love, wellness and identity with her writing, broadcasting, coaching and commercial work. Emilie has written for the likes of The Guardian, Stylist, Grazia, Woman & Home, Red and Women's Health. She has appeared in documentaries exploring sex and wellbeing by ITV, Channel 5 and the BBC. Emilie has represented the UK as a United Nations Delegate and is a passionate advocate for women's health, LGBTQ+ rights and sex education and public health policy. She is a representative for Young Women's Trust, United Nations Women and The Porn Conversation and works with a number of charities. She loves big books, Bell Hooks, her infrared sauna and her Pomeranian, Ivy Valentine. She lives in London and can give you a rating out of 10 for every sex toy ever invented. Sign up to Emilie's Substack newsletter The Cuff for spice and advice or follow her on LinkedIn, X, Instagram, or her website: emilielavinia.com