How To Forgive Yourself

5. Make peace with others.

It’s highly likely that when you hurt yourself, you hurt others too. As you forgive yourself, you’ll probably be moved to forgive someone else or ask for forgiveness from someone you hurt. This is scary, but it’s good. I’m a relentless optimist. I believe that restoration, hope and healing are always possible. And by choosing to be brave and take the first step, you could change someone’s entire future and restore your relationship.

If you need to call someone and ask them for forgiveness, do it. Or make financial restitution. Or acknowledge the pain you caused your team, your family or your company. Not all pleas for mercy end in hugs, forgiveness or happy endings. But they do allow you to honestly own how you hurt someone, lean into restoration and justice, and set the bricks down.

6. Treat yourself like someone you love.

As you examine your bricks of unforgiveness, I want you to have an outrageous amount of compassion for yourself. Even if you’ve done something horrible, I want you to talk to yourself like you’d talk to someone you care about. Maybe you regret something you did as a child. Why should you hold yourself to the standard of an adult? When you messed up back then, you were only doing what you knew how to do.

Be kind. Be accepting. Be patient. Show yourself generous mercy and grace. Try to understand your own motives and your point of view, but do so without judgement.

7. Learn from your mistakes.

Forgiveness isn’t a magic eraser for the damage you’ve done to yourself or to others. If you want to break the cycle of hurt, you need to learn from your past thoughts, words and actions.

If you’re feeling weighed down by unforgiveness and you don’t even know where to start, pick up your phone right now (or as soon as you finish reading this article) and make an appointment with a mental health professional. Talking through past failures or patterns that you want to change is a super important step toward creating new patterns for the future.

8. Make a deliberate choice to not dwell on your past mistakes.

I still remember many times when I’ve said things that hurt other people. I’m embarrassed to admit that I’ve been mean and cruel. When I’m feeling tired, run down, anxious or discouraged, my brain will still bring up some of those names and faces of people I’ve hurt and some of the words I’ve said. I have to make a conscious choice to not wallow in self-condemnation. I literally say out loud, “Nope!” when the thoughts flash into my head (thankfully, my wife is used to it by now).

Be on the alert when these thoughts, memories and feelings of shame resurface. Exercise your mind like you would any other muscle and choose not to ruminate (a fancy psychological word for “think about something over and over”).

9. Reject toxic shame.

I want to distinguish between a few important nerdy psychology terms here. When we do something that violates our own moral compass, we experience guilt. Guilt is an unpleasant emotion, but it’s not a bad emotion. It’s actually a sign that you have emotional intelligence. You should feel bad for mistreating your spouse or spreading lies about a friend out of jealousy. If you don’t, you’ve got some bigger problems to worry about.

Guilt prompts us to seek forgiveness because we recognize that we’ve done something wrong. So, when you feel that you’ve violated your own conscience, take that opportunity to make peace with yourself through forgiveness.

Shame takes it a step further, though. This is when you assume that the wrong you’ve done as part of your identity. Instead of thinking, I feel guilty for lying to my boss, you tell yourself, I am a horrible employee and a liar. We experience shame when we weave our bad decisions into our identity. Guilt helps us realize, “I made a mistake,” but shame whispers the lie, “I am a mistake.”

Guilt is picking up a brick for a season when you hurt someone. Shame is when you put the brick into your backpack and convince yourself that this is who you are—forever.

Yes, you messed up. Yes, it was wrong. But you are not the worst thing you have done. Embrace guilt and learn from it, but don’t allow your shame to become your identity.

10. Talk to someone you trust.

There’s something powerful and healing about being vulnerable with people you trust. It shuts the fear off. It helps you face your mistakes and then move on to the next thing. A cornerstone of my Christian faith (and many other faiths) is the act of confession and vulnerability—choosing to lean into the scary unknown of other people’s hearts and let them know what you’ve done.

But opening up and sharing about your deep regret is scary. It’s a risk.

If you choose the right people, you might discover that opening up about the regret you’re carrying is one of the best choices you could ever make. Every single person on this planet needs community, friendship, accountability, a set of actions, and a way to cope with our fear and shame. Dr. Brené Brown says that shame needs three things to grow: secrecy, silence and judgement. You can destroy shame by bringing it into the light.

When should you go to a professional therapist or trustworthy pastor to get help with unforgiveness? Probably sooner than you think. A counselor will teach you skills and help you learn how to be in community with other people. If you’re feeling buried by the task of self-forgiveness, reach out—today—and get help.

11. Plan for who you want to become.

As you look around and see bricks scattered all around you, I want you to fix your eyes on the path ahead. Where do you go from here? Once you let go of your past mistakes and failures, it’s time to start assuming a new identity. My hope is that you become a person who treats others with outrageous kindness and compassion—starting with yourself.

Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Actions, Change Your Life

The longer we carry the bricks of our past mistakes and failures, the more prone we are to the ravaging effects of anxiety—it’s one of the unintended side effects of unforgiveness. Choosing self-forgiveness is a courageous act of transformation. It won’t be easy—but you are worth it. We’re all in the process of becoming well and whole, and this work is done best in community. We need each other.