How To Get A Happy Ending Massage - Esquire

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I don't want to get a happy ending with my massage, but let's say I did. Is that even a possibility?

I don't want to answer this, but let's say I did. First, I'd direct you to comedian and radio host Jim Norton, who wrote extensively on the subject in his book, but I wouldn't mention the name of the book because I believe that if you give a man a title, he'll come once, but if you teach him to Google, he'll come forever. With that in mind, I'd tell you to get a subscription to the Internet and find yourself a masseuse (noun, from Old French poss and ability), as opposed to a massage therapist (noun, from Middle English no and chance). Then I'd tell you to look for established code words like generous and roses. I'd tell you to ask how relaxed you'll be at the end of the massage, and if she says you'll be completely relaxed, you might then ask if draping is mandatory. If she says it isn't, I'd tell you to keep yourself exposed and ask her, at the appropriate time, to rub your glutes (noun, from Al Gore ass). Then I'd tell you to wave a crisp hundred or two around while winking and motioning to your crotch, but if at any time she looks confused or offended (from the Modern English lawsuit), I'd tell you to make up some excuse, get the hell out of there, deny everything, and forget my name.

Got a sex question of your own? E-mail it to us at [email protected].

PLUS: How to Give a Good Massage >>

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