How To Learn “Real” Magic | The Daily Star

You know I always think about you people's wellbeing. Think about it in a way that makes your eyes start to twitch, and your brain to relay pictures of 'My Little Pony', I'm that guy who tells you stolen jokes from troll pages to soothe you. To calm you. My point being that you can have faith in me. Don't go about learning magic tricks. That's so Criss Angel's hair. I'm going to expose you to the real deal. Magic magic.

Voodoo Love Spells Are you ugly and coincidently in love (secretly) with a girl who doesn't know you had half thought of doing voodoo on her to make her notice you? Well, my dear friend, you were thinking on the right track. Voodoo is indeed the solution to this matter. Let me tell you what you'll do: take a piece of cloth. Roll it. Now you have a sausage like thingy. Bend it in half. Take some strings and tie it around 1/5th from the top. Draw a face on the top part. This is your girlfriend. Now take a bowl and put a mixture of glue and water. The bowl represents you. The glue represents your love for her. Now slowly dip the doll inside and chant Kanye West lyrics. Repeat this for a week. It will work. I swear.

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Teleportation You'll be surprised to know that magic is more science than Kanye West by a very good margin. Teleportation is actually quite easy. What you do is you go over the comments section of a random Buzzfeed article so that all your atoms disintegrate. This is the first part. Now to assemble it to your desired destination, contact [legally forbidden to include name] courier service who will personally, with extra care, deliver them one by one for a very minimal charge within the shortest time possible for them. Wait 200 years.

Levitation Everyone wants to fly. I did sometimes too. Now I'm going to tell you how to do it. Don't be a jerk and jump off the roof or something after reading this, because realistically we can just levitate about an inch or two.  Just find a good spot, stand straight and exert pure will power. Let it overcome your body. Let it play surfboard over your chest hair. You will know when you start levitating.

Fertility Spell I can't do this. I really want this article to see the light of day.

Warding off against Black Magic In this day and age of savage witchcraftry, you can never be sure. So be protected all the time. Bachtey Holey Jante Hobe. You would never know when a guy you thought was your friend secretly puts a curse on you that makes your moustache disappear! In the middle of freakin' Movember. You can get bucket loads of spells off the internet for this. Tip: Mosquito repellent works too. Be smart. Stay protected.

Crave more magic? Here are a few sites I have referred that help you perform real magic. Chhoomantar. http://magic-spells-and-potions.com/ http://www.magicspells.in/ http://www.spellsofmagic.com/ http://www.spellsandmagic.com/