How To Raise A Feminist Son: 5 Simple But Powerful Steps

Inside: Listen for these 5 things when chatting with your boys. These simple but powerful steps for how to raise a feminist son are something every parent can do.

First, a note from Kelly: The other day, my friend Hilary shared a story with me about something her son said that surprised her, so I invited her to share her story with you here. Before I turn it over to Hilary, let’s get on the same page about the word “feminist” because different people have different understandings of what that word means.

In this post, what we mean when we say “feminist” is this: “possessing the belief that women should have the same opportunities and choices as men have.” That’s a bit of a mouthful, so in the interest of space and readability, we’ll just say “feminist.” If that’s a hot-button word for you, my hope is you can look past the semantics and see through to the heart of this post: that we envision a world for our children to inherit where equality and mutual respect are the standard, not the exception. Now I’ll let Hilary share her story…

Yesterday, my 6-year-old son told me that pink and purple are “girl colors.” I asked him why, and the conversation reminded me (again) that mothering boys in a man’s world comes with its own unique challenges and opportunities.

The funny part for me is that I’ve spent most of my professional career blaming the man and then lo and behold—I found myself raising a family of them.

Karma.

And so we talked about how some boys might like pink and purple. That some girls might not like pink and purple at all. I let him know that there were many perceptions placed upon me as a little girl, and I wanted more choices like boys in my class had.

But were my words helping?

Table of Contents

• When Leading by Example Isn't Enough
• 5 Simple But Powerful Tips for How to Raise a Feminist Son
• Your Turn

When Leading by Example Isn’t Enough

I both parent and work outside the home as a minister, nurturing my own sense of vocation and personal fulfillment in the world and helping to provide for my family, as well as making a home.

I work strange hours to have as much time with my kids as possible while also maximizing my own potential. For example:

• I exercise an hour before my family gets up.
• I write my sermons an hour after the kids go to bed.
• I pick both my boys up from school and walk them home, even though I do miss Sunday T-ball games.

I work to balance, and sometimes I can give myself a high five. Other times, I give myself exhausting crying fits, but always I give myself a pat on the back because hey—I’m trying.

I even have fond memories of strapping a breast pump to myself as I drove on the highway at 2:00, 3:00, and 4:00 a.m. to visit dying people at the hospitals on the opposite side of town.

This is TMI. But it’s also feminism.

I have a supportive partner, Ryan, whose marriage to me for 13 years and phenomenal patience with our wild kids has shown fortitude beyond any reasonable expectations. (THANK YOU, RYAN.)

And yet, after all this, my son informs me that pink and purple are “girl colors.”

Related: The Secret to Raising Your Kids to Be Kind {Printable}

5 Simple But Powerful Tips for How to Raise a Feminist Son

As a minister who happens to be a woman, I fight daily against demeaning misperceptions about my place in leadership. This plus my experience of mothering boys in a man’s world has helped me stumble on a few important ways we can talk about gender with our kids.

To begin this conversation, we as mothers must start from a sad reality: Women are not yet equally regarded as men are in our society. I hope we’re changing this paradigm by raising young men who don’t view society that way and raising young women who won’t stand for it.

When you want ideas for how to raise a feminist son, here are a few simple opportunities you can listen for when you’re chatting with your boys to raise sons who believe in equality.

1. Girls vs. Boys

“I can’t play with dolls; that’s what girls do.”“I don’t like pink or purple; those are girl colors.”

Let’s nip all this. If you’ve got a nurturer, you give him that doll†. If he likes purple, have him wear it.

† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

Talk about what confuses you about these gender assignments and ways you wish you had been given choices of your own. If your child uses “like a girl” as an insult, treat it as you would treat any words or sentiments you wish your child hadn’t used.

Related: 30 Photos of Boys Playing With Dolls That Will Make You Go “Awww”

2. Small Words With Power

Here’s an interesting tidbit from my line of work: Sacred Jewish, Christian, and Muslim scriptures call God “he,” “him,” and “his.” Who knew these teeny words would have such a deep impact on who we are and what we can do? The original languages of these texts—Hebrew, Greek, and Aramaic—don’t have a gender-neutral pronoun set and neither does English.

While God is illustrated in these sacred texts in many ways—as both feminine and masculine and even as a burning bush (neutral?)—these male pronouns have influenced the world for centuries.

Pay attention to when and how you use pronouns. When you’re on a hike with your family and you see an animal in the woods, do you always call it a “he”?

“Look at that turtle! I wonder where he gets his water?”

Try to flip that. Another challenge here is how often we use “man” to represent all of us, like with “manning the PTA booth.” With your kids, you can talk about how words have limited us, work to use neutral words, or both.

Related: 3 Simple Steps for Teaching Empathy in the Most Authentic Way

3. Stories That Shape Us

The gender binary is strong in the traditional stories we love and call our own. Look for stories with young women doing courageous things, girls who are independent thinkers, and women who are problem solvers. Look for girls in leading roles.

On the pronoun front, I recommend Big Momma Makes the World by Phyllis Root and Nora’s Ark by Eileen Spinelli. When you do read those classic stories with strict gender expectations, talk about it.

4. Bodies

I don’t have teenagers yet, so this is easier for me at this point, but teaching body respect can start at any age with kids’ own bodies and private areas.

Who can touch your private areas? Who shouldn’t? Talk about it. Be explicit and clear that they should respect their own body and that they must respect others.

This grows increasingly more difficult as the media our children consume becomes more and more sexist. I love this quote from actress Gina Davis: “Why do you think she’s wearing that if she’s going to rescue somebody? Does that make sense?”

Talk to your boys about women as whole people, not objects.

Related: How to Teach Your Child That Her Body Is Her Body

5. You

We can lead by example. We can stop using feminine words as insults. We can stop holding our mom friends to different standards as our dad friends. We can talk about equality when we see it and share our disappointment when we don’t.

Yesterday, after giving my 6-year-old a few examples of how I wished women had more choices and equality, he was quiet for a moment.

Then he looked up at me and said, “Don’t you wish you could use magic and everyone would know that girls can do as much as boys?”

I thanked him. Because I do. And conversation after conversation like this, maybe everyone will know that.

Before you go, get my FREE cheat sheet: 75 Positive Phrases Every Child Needs to Hear

Your Turn

Do you have any tips for how to raise a feminist son? Share in a comment below!