How To Tell Someone You're Not Interested: 11 Steps - WikiHow

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Terms of Use wikiHow is where trusted research and expert knowledge come together. Learn why people trust wikiHow How to Politely Tell Someone You're Not Interested in Them PDF download Download Article Learn to turn down a date with tact and respect Co-authored by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT and Luke Smith, MFA

Last Updated: May 28, 2024 Fact Checked

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  • Turning Down an Advance
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  • Ending Things After a Few Dates
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This article was co-authored by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT and by wikiHow staff writer, Luke Smith, MFA. Alysha Jeney is a Licensed Relationship Therapist, the Owner of Modern Love Counseling, and the Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box. She specializes in relationship therapy, intimacy building, and existential exploration. Alysha holds a BA in Psychology from The Metropolitan State University of Denver and an MA in Marriage and Family Therapy/Counseling from Regis University. She has been featured in publications such as The Washington Post and The Huffington Post. There are 7 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources. This article has been viewed 651,428 times.

Everyone faces rejection at some point, and sooner or later we’ve all seen both sides of it. Turning someone down takes a little skill and tact, but it doesn’t have to make things awkward or mean the end of a friendship. We talked with a group of dating coaches and matchmakers to bring you a handy guide for the next time you need to tell someone you’re not interested, whether you’ve been on a few dates already or they’re a total stranger.

Things You Should Know

  • Tell them you appreciate the attention, and give them a brief compliment about the offer or about previous dates you’ve been on together.
  • Be honest and direct by telling them you’re not interested or ready to date, or that you don’t see the relationship working out.
  • Focus on your own feelings and personal reasons, and avoid placing the blame on them or their personal qualities.

Steps

Method 1 Method 1 of 2:

Turning Down an Advance

  1. Step 1 Tell them you appreciate their offer or attention. 1 Tell them you appreciate their offer or attention. Acknowledging and thanking them can take some of the sting out of the rejection.[1] You don’t need to give them an elaborate thank you—a single sentence is enough to convey that you’re appreciative of the thought.
    • Dating coach John Keegan recommends saying something like, “That took guts and courage…I'm really flattered. And thank you so much for doing that, it makes me feel good.”[2]
    • Or, say, “Thanks for complimenting my dress,” or “That’s a really nice offer.”
    • You don't have to thank them if they're making you feel uncomfortable. You don't want to send them the message that their behavior is okay.
  2. Step 2 Give them an... 2 Give them an honest and clear rejection. Dating coach Imad Jbara emphasizes that it’s important to “be honest, be direct.”[3] It may be tempting to be vague about how you feel in order to spare their feelings, but in addition to leading them on, you’ll likely find yourself having to reject them again in the future.[4]
    • You might say, “I’m not looking for a relationship right now,” “I don’t see you that way,” or “That’s not something I’m interested in.”
    • Be especially firm with an ex who might be looking for a second chance. You might say, “We’ve done this before, and I don’t think it’s a good idea to try it again.”
    • If this person continues to pursue after you've gently told them how you feel, you can be more direct about your lack of interest and set boundaries around your time together.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 527 wikiHow readers about how they’d handle someone continuing to pursue them after rejection, and 58% of them agreed that they would set clear boundaries and communicate their disinterest. [Take Poll]
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  3. Step 3 Avoid apologizing for turning them down. 3 Avoid apologizing for turning them down. You don’t owe anyone an apology for feeling the way you do.[5] Also, saying you’re sorry makes it seem like you’re pitying them, which can hurt their feelings more.
    • Instead of saying, “I’m sorry, I’m not interested,” just say, “I’m not interested in dinner, but I really appreciate the offer.”
  4. Step 4 Stay casual to avoid embarrassing them. 4 Stay casual to avoid embarrassing them. Asking someone out or expressing feelings is always a risk, and it takes a lot of courage! Staying light and casual helps let them down easy, and tells them that even though you’re rejecting them, it’s really no big deal, and they shouldn’t take it too hard.
    • For example, don’t avoid them afterward, and stay friendly and cordial, so long as they also remain respectful of your boundaries.
  5. Step 5 Offer to stay friends, but let them have their space. 5 Offer to stay friends, but let them have their space. Sometimes you genuinely want to be friends with someone you're not interested in dating, especially if you were friends before they made an advance. But they may not feel comfortable being friends afterward. That’s their choice, and though it might hurt, it’s best to respect that choice.[6]
    • You might say, "I hope we can still be friends, but I understand if you need your space."
  6. Step 6 Use excuses or white lies carefully, and only with strangers. 6 Use excuses or white lies carefully, and only with strangers. Dating coach Imad Jbara suggests saying, “I'm really busy right now and I have to get somewhere but it was nice meeting you,” or. “Unfortunately, I have a boyfriend.”[7] Excuses or lies can be useful if you feel uncomfortable, but choose one that doesn’t leave room for arguing, and exit the conversation as soon as you give it.
    • Remember that if you know this person, they may be aware that your excuse is a lie, or find out about it later. It’s best to only use excuses or lies with strangers, and be more direct with closer acquaintances.
    • You might also say, “I’m not ready to date anyone right now,” “I’m seeing someone,” “I’m just too busy right now,” or “I just got out of a relationship.”
  7. Step 7 Turn down physical advances clearly and directly. 7 Turn down physical advances clearly and directly. Dating coach and matchmaker Erika Kaplan says, “physical advances must be met with boundaries.”[8] If someone makes an unwanted physical advance, it’s best to be direct and leave no question about your own feelings and comfort.
    • Don’t feel pressured to be nice or suggest they have a chance if you don’t feel that way; their breach of consent is a serious overstep.
    • You might say, “I don’t appreciate being touched without consent, and I’m uncomfortable with your advance. Please leave me alone.”
    • If you feel unsafe, exit the situation or find a nearby friend, authority figure, or even stranger to accompany you away.
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Method 2 Method 2 of 2:

Ending Things After a Few Dates

  1. Step 1 Plan out what you’ll say in advance, if you can. 1 Plan out what you’ll say in advance, if you can. Knowing what you want to say or practicing it with a friend can help you let them down nicely. Think about the reasons why you don’t want to be with them, then focus on the most important issue. Consider how you can share these issues with them in the kindest words possible.[9]
    • For example, you might not feel attracted to the person physically, but it’s unkind to tell them that. Instead, you might practice saying, “I just don’t feel any chemistry,” or “That spark is missing.”
    • Similarly, you might feel like they talk too much. In this case, you could say, “I feel like we don’t communicate the same way.”
  2. Step 2 Meet them in person, if possible. 2 Meet them in person, if possible. Matchmaker & dating app CEO Maria Avgitidis says, “If you want to break up with someone that you've been dating, the best way would be to do it in person.”[10] It’s the most polite and respectful way, and offers closure for both of you.
    • Meet somewhere public, and where you can make a quick exit, like a coffee shop or park.
    • Also, make plans with a friend afterward, so you have both an easy out and emotional support waiting in the wings.
    • If you’ve only been on one date, it’s totally fine to express your feelings with a text or call.
    EXPERT TIP Imad Jbara

    Imad Jbara

    Dating Coach Imad Jbara is a Dating Coach for NYC Wingwoman LLC, a relationship coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Imad services 100+ clients, men and women, to improve their dating lives through authentic communication skills. He has a BA in Psychology from the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth. Imad Jbara Imad Jbara Dating Coach

    Don't just ghost someone without notice. If you don't want to date someone, have the respect to tell them. Don't make them think that there's something there if you're not interested.

  3. Step 3 Start the conversation... 3 Start the conversation by giving them a compliment. Saying something nice can ease the pain of the rejection, but don’t spend too much time telling them how great they are. Otherwise, they may question why you don’t want to continue seeing them. Also, your words might seem hollow when you reject them after telling them how wonderful you think they are.[11]
    • Give them a 1-sentence compliment, like, “I liked getting to know you,” or “I really enjoyed talking to you about movies because you’re so insightful.”
  4. Step 4 Thank them for the dates you’ve had. 4 Thank them for the dates you’ve had. This acknowledges the time they’ve put into getting to know you. It shows them that you’re thinking about their feelings, even though what you have to say might hurt.[12]
    • For instance, you could say, “Thank you for these past few dates. I’ve had fun, but I’m not sure it’s working.”
  5. Step 5 Tell them generally why things aren’t working for you. 5 Tell them generally why things aren’t working for you. Offering an explanation, however brief, gives them some closure.[13] Even something as simple as “I don’t think we click” is better than nothing. It’s up to you if you want to give a specific reason, but if you’ve gone on a couple of dates, it might be helpful to give them a little more context for your decision.[14]
    • You might say, “I’ve had fun with you, but I feel like we have different goals, and we just don’t seem to be on the same path in life.”
  6. Step 6 Focus on your own feelings, and avoid blaming them. 6 Focus on your own feelings, and avoid blaming them. Being honest with someone doesn’t mean being hurtful. In most cases, there’s no reason to tell someone what you don’t like about them. Instead, center the conversation on the personal reasons it’s not working.[15]
    • For example, instead of, “I don’t like your lifestyle,” you might say, “I’m not sure our lifestyles are compatible.”
    • Avoid offering “constructive criticism.” People are allowed to live however they like, and someone you don’t like might be a perfect match for someone else.
  7. Step 7 Answer their questions, but stand your ground. 7 Answer their questions, but stand your ground. Matchmaker and dating app CEO Maria Avgitidis says, “answer any questions this person may have, just to give them closure.”[16] They may not feel the same way as you do, and that’s okay. Acknowledge how they feel but restate your intention to break things off.
    • For example, you might say, “I can understand why you feel like we should go on another date, but that’s not what’s right for me.”
    • You don’t have to answer questions that make you feel uncomfortable. In this case, say something like, “I’m not sure that’s relevant, and I’ve given my reasons.” Then excuse yourself and take your leave.
    8. Advertisement

Expert Q&A

Search Add New Question
  • Question How do you reject someone nicely? Imad Jbara Imad Jbara Dating Coach Imad Jbara is a Dating Coach for NYC Wingwoman LLC, a relationship coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Imad services 100+ clients, men and women, to improve their dating lives through authentic communication skills. He has a BA in Psychology from the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth. Imad Jbara Imad Jbara Dating Coach Expert Answer Focusing on your own, be honest, be direct. If you don’t want to talk, have the respect to tell the person that you're not interested, that you're busy or dating someone, but don't ghost them. Ghosting means showing that you are not confident, or being disrespectful. Thanks! We're glad this was helpful. Thank you for your feedback. If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow Yes No Not Helpful 5 Helpful 25
  • Question What if a guy asks me out three times and I say no? After the third time, is it right to decide not to talk to him? Danielle Husband Danielle Husband Community Answer If he is constantly asking you out, then it might be best for you to limit your contact with him. He isn't respecting your decisions, which isn't okay. Listen to your intuition. If you think you should stop talking to him, then that's likely the best decision for you. Thanks! We're glad this was helpful. Thank you for your feedback. If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow Yes No Not Helpful 4 Helpful 49
  • Question My friend thinks I have a crush on her, but I don't. What do I do? By the way I'm 13, so it can get really awkward at this age. Danielle Husband Danielle Husband Community Answer It's best to talk to your friend about how you really feel. Say, "We are really great as friends, and I would never want to risk our friendship. I don't want to hurt your feelings because I care about you, but I'm not interested in being more than friends." Thanks! We're glad this was helpful. Thank you for your feedback. If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow Yes No Not Helpful 2 Helpful 33
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Tips

  • Avoid gossiping about the other person afterward. Recognize that it took courage to ask you, so respect their privacy in return. Thanks Helpful 3 Not Helpful 0
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References

  1. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview
  2. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview
  3. ↑ Imad Jbara. Dating Coach. Expert Interview
  4. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/break-up.html
  5. ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview
  6. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/break-up.html
  7. ↑ Imad Jbara. Dating Coach. Expert Interview
  8. ↑ Erika Kaplan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview
  9. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/break-up.html
More References (7)
  1. ↑ Maria Avgitidis. Dating Coach. Expert Interview
  2. ↑ https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/can-tell-someone-youre-not-interested-without-hurting-feelings-lbkr/
  3. ↑ https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/can-tell-someone-youre-not-interested-without-hurting-feelings-lbkr/
  4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/funny-bone-pick/202202/how-reject-someone-and-help-them-the-same-time
  5. ↑ https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/can-tell-someone-youre-not-interested-without-hurting-feelings-lbkr/
  6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/funny-bone-pick/202202/how-reject-someone-and-help-them-the-same-time
  7. ↑ Maria Avgitidis. Dating Coach. Expert Interview

About This Article

Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Co-authored by: Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Licensed Relationship Therapist This article was co-authored by Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT and by wikiHow staff writer, Luke Smith, MFA. Alysha Jeney is a Licensed Relationship Therapist, the Owner of Modern Love Counseling, and the Co-Founder of The Modern Love Box. She specializes in relationship therapy, intimacy building, and existential exploration. Alysha holds a BA in Psychology from The Metropolitan State University of Denver and an MA in Marriage and Family Therapy/Counseling from Regis University. She has been featured in publications such as The Washington Post and The Huffington Post. This article has been viewed 651,428 times. 8 votes - 65% Co-authors: 18 Updated: May 28, 2024 Views: 651,428 Categories: Dating Article SummaryX

To tell someone you’re not interested in a date, explain to them that you appreciate the offer, which can help take some of the sting out of a rejection. For example, try saying something like, “That’s a nice offer.” When you reject an offer, do so clearly by saying something like, “That’s not something I’m interested in,” since you don’t want to lead someone on by being vague about your feelings. You should also avoid apologizing for turning them down, since you don’t need to feel sorry for your feelings. After you’ve rejected someone’s offer, let them decide whether they want to stay friends, which may be difficult for them. Try telling them something like, “I hope we can still be friends, but I understand if you need your space.” For tips on how to tell someone you're not interested after you’ve been on a few dates, keep reading! Did this summary help you?YesNo

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Yes No Advertisement Cookies make wikiHow better. By continuing to use our site, you agree to our cookie policy. Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Co-authored by: Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT Licensed Relationship Therapist 8 votes - 65% Click a star to vote Co-authors: 18 Updated: May 28, 2024 Views: 651,428 Ralph Maver

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