Is Your Kid Mean-Spirited? Here's What You Should Do When Your ...

What is meanness in children? It could be pulling a dog's tail, making fun of someone's weight, or not allowing a shy child to play with the group. Or, it could be worse - hitting a classmate or spreading rumors about someone they don't like. These are some of the ways children can act mean.

Why do children show mean behavior?

Gurgaon-based psychotherapist and life skills expert, Aparna Balasundaram, says: "Being mean is usually a defense mechanism for children against a deep sense of hurt, sadness, shame or unfairness. Instead of facing these feelings, they externalize their own pain with angry words and mean actions that hurt others. This way, they don't have to deal with their own negative emotions. Being mean and hurting others also gives children a sense of power over others. In some cases, it may be a sense of entitlement that makes children think they have the right to be rude. This is especially true when children are rude to domestic help. Here, it is probably because parents have not taught them to respect others."

Meanness could also be an impulsive reaction a child may feel angry or hurt and lash out. And, at times, it can be unintentional as a child may not even realize that they are being mean.

However, when children deliberately act in a mean manner, it becomes a matter of great concern.

According to Dr Eileen Kennedy-Moore, a US-based psychologist and author, "Children may be mean because of empathy blind spots. They decide that the feelings of certain individuals don't matter, and so, feel justified in being mean to them. They may say the victim is 'annoying' or 'weird' and feel that makes their unkind behavior acceptable."

What can you do as parents?

The sight of your child being mean to others can be extremely distressing. You may feel baffled and have no clue why your child is acting this way. You might also feel anxious when the question, "Is there something wrong with my child?" arises in your mind. At times, some parents feel guilty, blaming themselves for poor parenting. They may feel ashamed to face the parents of the victim and also, angry with their own child for landing them in an embarrassing situation.

Being mean is usually a defense mechanism for children against a deep sense of hurt, sadness, shame or unfairness - Aparna Balasundaram

So, here's what you should do when your child is being mean:

• Be observant: Observe your child when they play with other children. Notice the patterns of mean behavior, if any. For example, do they tease others? Do they consistently exclude a child/children? Talk to your child and educate them on appropriate social behaviors, such as being cooperative, taking turns, and sharing.
• Find out why: Ask your child if there is something bothering them. This will help you understand what prompts them to be mean. Try to gauge if your child is feeling neglected at home for reasons such as the birth of a sibling or mother going back to full-time work. Are they finding it difficult to cope with schoolwork? Are they acting out because they have no friends in school? Talk to their teachers as well.
• Give unconditional love: Don't make your child feel that they are bad or unworthy of love. Of course, you should tell them that what they did hurt someone, and that they should change that behavior. But also let them know that you love them and always will. Remember, your child needs you the most when they are in the wrong, and only if they feel loved can they show kindness and compassion towards others.
• Set firm rules: Make it clear to your child that you will not tolerate them indulging in verbal and physical aggression, teasing, taunting, and bullying. Tell them that you expect them to be considerate towards others, even when they aren't fond of them.
• Avoid being harsh: When a child is mean, a parent's first reaction is to scold and punish. Yelling or punishing your child will only intimidate or humiliate them and make them feel angry and resentful. If your child continues with that behavior despite your warnings, withdraw privileges such as television time or playtime. This will convey to them that their actions will attract adverse consequences. However, avoid shaming them for their actions.
• Evoke empathy: Lecturing may not be effective but try making your child understand how their unkind behavior or actions affects others. For instance, your child makes fun of a friend's shabby clothes. Explain to them that their friend's parents may not have the money to buy the child new clothes. Help them understand what their friends may be going through, and what they may be feeling when they are being ridiculed. Ask your children how they can help their friends feel better. Also, explain to your child that if they are kinder, they will be liked by all. As parents, you have to help your child recover their innate goodness.
• Encourage kind behavior: Whenever your child shows kindness, give them a pat on the back. Try being specific. For example, instead of simply saying, 'Good girl!' or 'Good Boy', you can say, "That was really thoughtful of you to give your friend a turn on the swing".
• Protect from de-sensitization: Ensure minimum exposure to violence and offensive behavior at home and while using gadgets. Be selective about the web content your child watches or the video games they play. If possible, get a pet. Tending to and caring for another living creature will teach them compassion and patience.
• Help make amends: When your child has been mean to another child, it's important that they apologize. Involve your child in making amends by asking them to think of ways in which they can make the other child feel better. It is up to you to reassure the other family involved that you are going to deal with the issue your child is struggling with.
• Don't blame yourself: It's normal for parents to feel ashamed and guilty when they find that their child is being mean to others. However, this shouldn't make them feel that they have failed as parents and beat themselves about it. Meanness is not uncommon but the behavior needs to be nipped in the bud.
• Be a role model: Do you shout at your spouse or speak ill of your in-laws? If so, you are not setting a good example for your child. Be respectful towards your child and to others. Never use physical aggression or corporal punishment. Avoid sarcasm in speech or laughing at the expense of another. Be a kind and compassionate adult.

There could be several reasons and negative emotions that can cause a child to be mean. Help your child identify the underlying factors and deal with them appropriately. Build emotional intelligence in your child so that they understand their own emotions and behavior. If you are not making much progress and your children's behavior are getting worse, take them to see a counselor or a clinical psychologist.

A child's mean behavior can be a cry for attention or help. Whatever the cause, as parents, don't let such behavior become a habit. In fact, it is vital to curb such traits at the earliest as the beliefs and behaviors of a mean child can be harmful to others and destructive to the child as well.