Known To Always Pick A Fight? Here's Why - Harley Therapy™ Blog

By: hnt6581

Notice if the fights you pick involve blaming others for things, or bullying people to give you what want. It shows you don’t know how to explain how you feel, or ask for what you want.

A study by Belgian researchers found that conflict in relationships happen when crucial needs are not met, such as the need to feel attached, and yet autonomous, and the need to feel accepted and be seen with positive regard.

7. You are codependent.

Do you ‘micro fight’? You nag, and they react? And do you later complain to friends, ‘he never does what I ask’, or ‘all she needs to do is change this one thing…’?

One of the reasons we don’t know how to communicate our wants and needs is that we don’t know what they are. We are so caught up in pleasing others and being what others want— a.k.a. codependency— that we have long lost a sense of self.

We also don’t feel enough self-esteem to feel our needs are worthy of being met, so resort to getting them passively aggressively — by picking fights.

8. You actually don’t have control of your emotions.

Do your fights come out of nowhere? Are they really firey and dramatic? Are you known from going to zero to one hundred emotionally in a matter of seconds?

‘Emotional dysregulation’ in psychology means you actually can’t control your emotions. It’s as if your emotional thermostat is broken and moves far too fast, getting stuck at the top and bottom instead of staying in the middle.

Emotional dysregulation can rise from a traumatic experience, either recently or as a child. And it’s a leading symptom of borderline personality disorder, where you often are impulsive and driven by a terror of being abandoned.

And what’s the umbrella reason you pick fights with others?

There is one big reason we get stuck in all these fights above. And that is that we are actually re-enacting a power dynamic from our childhood.

We aren’t really fighting with that other person at all. We are still having a go at the father who refused to give us attention, the overcritical mother, the parent who would never let us be right, the caregiver who walked out and abandoned us.

Unless we take the time to identify and transform these dynamics, we repeat the pattern again and again, essentially choosing friends or partners like our parents.

Ready to stop the endless fights that leave you lonely? And break the pattern at last? We connect you with top London talk therapists in central locations. Or find a UK-wide therapist on our booking site, along with online counsellors who can help no matter where you live.

Still have a question about why you pick a fight or want to share your experience with other readers? Post below. Please note that comments are moderated and we do not allow aggression or advertisements.

Andrea M. Darcy is a popular health and wellbeing writer and author. With training in person-centred counselling and coaching, her fave topics are trauma, ADHD, and relationships. Find her @am_darcy