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A Place To Discuss Recovering From Mormonism or articles told from a Recovering Mormon perspective.

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Mormons Are Nice, But….

A Response to a Question About Ex-Mormon Anger

Rockwell Porter Johnson13 min read·Aug 20, 2021

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Someone asked the question why everybody who leaves the Mormon church is angry at the church. He had heard discussions about it being a cult, but was that a big enough reason to have such hostility towards it? He didn’t understand the anger because, “Mormons are just nice people. They are all very loving and kind, gentle, generous, and giving.” He wanted to know why those who left found it so abusive, toxic, or why being a cult mattered so much. I will try to answer these questions and a few others in this article.

Mormons ARE Nice

First off, let me say that I agree with him on at least one aspect of this issue. Mormons ARE nice. They are some of the nicest people you will meet and often go out of their way to be that way to people. They follow creeds like, “Do a good turn daily.” There are nice people all over the world, but Mormons, as a group, seem to be at the top of the list.

But is there an underlying reason for being nice? To answer this, you need to understand more about Mormon teachings and principles.

I was Mormon for 40 years, so everything I am sharing is based on experience, not hearsay. When I talk about “they” as Mormons, I’m really talking about me and my experience.

Furthermore, I would consider my experience as one of mainstream members of the church. There are Mormons and there are Mormons. I was a good Mormon — a temple-recommend-carrying, full-tithe-paying, family-home-evening leading, member of the bishopric, kind of Mormon. I was not a “Jack Mormon,” although even a Jack Mormon will clumsily attempt to convert you, given the opportunity, despite sharing a smoke with you. He can’t help himself.

Every Member a Missionary

Just about everything Mormons do is motivated by converting other people. From an early age it is drilled into them with songs and lessons, including the expectation they will be full time missionaries someday. Then at 18 or 19 years old they are sent on full time missions, working for two years with a single concentrated effort: to teach, convert, and baptize people into the church.

“I hope they call me on a mission, when I have grown a foot or two. I hope by then I will be ready, to teach and preach and work as missionaries do.” —The first stanza of a popular Mormon song, taught and sung from as early as 3 years old.

Missionaries are taught specific principles to convert “non-members,” what Mormons call anybody who is not yet Mormon. One of those principles is “Build Relationships of Trust.” You need to get people to trust you in order for you to convert them. This can be done in a number of ways, but being nice is obviously the first thing. Followed up by acts of service such as mowing their lawn, taking them cookies, being neighborly.

They also look for those who are in a transition of some kind. Deaths, births, marriages, near-deaths — all ideal situations that put people in the right frame of mind to ask questions about their lives.

And it doesn’t stop with full time service. When they return from their missions, every week in lessons and church meetings, it is constantly drilled into them, “Every member a missionary.” I remember from many of my lessons; we would have weekly challenges to give away a copy of the Book of Mormon and recognize those who did. Those who didn’t were reminded it is a sacred responsibility to do so. There was lots of peer pressure, generating guilt or embarrassment if you failed to do so.

“Every member a missionary!”

The reason Mormons make such good salespeople is because they understand the dynamics of selling to people. This is based on the experiences described above.

Think of your friendly neighborhood car salesman. The moment you walk in the lot they are happy and excited to see you. They immediately start asking questions so they can understand your perspective and what made you walk in that day. They are looking for the motivating factor that is going to give them leverage and allow them to get you into one of their cars. Even the clothes they wear are selected to gain your trust. Similarly, Mormons are known as clean-cut and appropriately dressed.

Mormons are taught, from an early age, to always be looking for opportunities to “Share the Gospel” with someone. It could be the mail carrier, a coworker, the garbage man, or the next-door neighbor. You never know where the opportunity is going to come from, and they are constantly hoping that someone will ask them the golden questions.

“Why are you so happy? What makes you seem different from everybody else? Why are you so positive and nice all the time? What do you guys really believe?”

These types of questions set things up for a full-on discussion about Mormonism and why they are such a “delight-some” people. It’s the opportunity they’ve been working towards their entire life. It is almost subliminal for them because of the brainwashing from the church.

Mormons ARE Nice, Because

So yes, Mormons ARE nice. And they pride themselves on this fact. However, they are nice because of all the reasons described above. I don’t think Mormons even realize their motivation for being nice is less than altruistic. I know I didn’t realize it until I did. For more information about this realization, see my other article, shared here:

Amway and the Mormon Church

You Might Be Surprised At the Similarities

medium.com

It’s unfortunate because it sets them up to never have true friendships with people, other than those who are already Mormon. Non-members — a label Mormons give to those who are not Mormon yet — will always be a target or a resource for Mormons. Being nice to them will hopefully lead to them becoming Mormons. Their friendship will always be superficial, whether they realize it or not. Because ultimately, one of their biggest motivations in life, is to convert everybody who is not yet converted. And that doesn’t allow for genuine friendships or relationships.

Some Mormons Have Been Abusive

Just like in any group of people, there are bound to be bad eggs, and Mormons are no different. There have been abuses through the years. And like the Catholics, Mormon leadership has chosen to cover up these abuses rather than bring them to light. Abuses paint a dark, “less than,” picture of Mormons, and they would do anything to keep the stain of abuse away from their “practically perfect” nature.

There have been policies from “The Brethren,” those in Mormon leadership, about not reporting abuse to local authorities. They prefer to keep this information in the church, rather than having it reported in the paper or the Internet. Many predators and wife-beaters have been kept from prosecution because of these policies, allowing them them to continue their abusive practices.

I’m not trying to suggest that all Mormons are abusive. But like most religions, when you repress your natural feelings and urges, they sometimes get twisted. The Mormon church has had untold numbers of cases where they protected a husband, a father, or a bishop (think clergyman), for “the good of the church.” And the victims they leave behind are encouraged not to divulge and share information about their abuses or abusers.

It usually takes leaving the church before these victims feel they can share their experiences. As long as they are members, they’re told to not question their leaders, and their leaders are telling them not to talk. For these reasons, it’s clear why some people who leave the church might harbor hard feelings against it. Years of pain and pent-up anger come out when they leave. I have talked to many since I left the church, who are angry at the church for covering up their abuses.

Sexism

In the Mormon church, only men can hold the Priesthood. Women are given positions of leadership over other women, but only men can lead the church as a whole. You would never see a woman in a leadership position over a man.

I often heard the saying; men were given the Priesthood to keep up with the spiritual nature of women. I know I have said this, myself. But that’s just a way of justifying why a woman cannot hold the same authority and leadership as men do. They’re trying to make women feel better about the fact that they’ll never have his authority.

Women can’t get into the presence of God without their husbands. In the Mormon temple, there’s a place where you practice going through the veil into God’s presence. There at the veil, you give certain handshakes and signs — yes, just like the Masons. Joseph Smith was a Mason.

When a man and woman get married in the temple, the man is taken through the veil first, and then the husband-to-be brings his bride-to-be through the veil as god’s representative. Without the man, the woman wouldn’t get through.

Mormons follow the gospel that Paul preached. Women are told to cleave unto their husbands, as their husbands cleave unto God. Most Mormon couples will say they are equal in their marriages, but this is partially to convince you the church isn’t sexist. If a woman challenges this aspect of being Mormon — not being able to hold the priesthood, the patriarchy of men over women, or the fact that women can only get to God through men — she will eventually find herself out of the church. She’ll either leave on her own or be excommunicated for apostasy.

One last example. The Mormon church has a history of polygamy. A whole article could be written on this topic and its basis for patriarchy and sexism in the church.

Mainstream Mormons no longer follow this practice, even though some offshoot fundamentalist groups do. However, mainstream Mormons do believe that in the afterlife, men can be married to more than one wife. This is proven by the fact that Mormon women require an annulment of their marriage after a divorce, but Mormon men do not. It is assumed that the Mormon man will be married to all of the women he married in this life.

Historical Whitewashing

Mormon leadership through the years have whitewashed their history, when they feel it is needed. The stories of their past have been changed to make the church seem cleaner and more wholesome than it is.

The First Vision story, for example — the story of when Joseph Smith saw God and Jesus in a vision in the woods — is one of the main core beliefs of the faith. Historically, it has several conflicting versions. The church decided on the version that worked best for them, even though some of the versions are drastically different.

Mormons believe in the Book of Mormon and that it was originally a set of golden plates, translated by Joseph Smith. I was taught they were translated by Joseph looking at the plates and then dictating the translation for a scribe, who sat on the opposite side of a hanging sheet. We were taught this was because only Joseph was allowed to see the plates.

The Internet has revealed that Joseph never looked at the plates to translate them (if the plates ever existed). Instead, he buried his face into a hat with a rock in the bottom of it and dictated the “translation.” The church has recently confirmed this. The Internet and MormonLeaks Wiki left them no choice but to do so.

The same is true about Joseph Smith and his involvement with polygamy. Joseph has recently been outed as a polygamist who married 30+ women, supposedly without his first wife’s knowledge. This included the wives of several men he sent on missions abroad, as well as a 14-year-old girl. The church has reluctantly, admitted to all of these things. When I was a member of the church, none of these facts were known. Once again, the Internet forced their hands.

Many other stories show the whitewashing of the history of the church. And many who leave, feel they were betrayed and lied to by the church, which is another reason why they might be angry — reasonably, so.

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Racism

The church has a history of racism. Yes, it is now accepting of all races in the church, but until 1978, black people were unable to hold the Priesthood, go to Mormon temples, or participate fully in the church. There are many examples from past Mormon leaders who speak authoritatively about black people. Some of them are direct, and some of them are indirect.

In the Journal of Discourses, Brigham Young, the second prophet of the Mormon church, said, “Shall I tell you the law of God in regard to the African race? If the white man who belongs to the chosen seed mixes his blood with the seed of Cain, the penalty, under the law of God, is death on the spot. This will always be so.” Mormons believe that the mark of Cain from the Old Testament was the darkening of Cain’s skin, which is where black people originate.

“If the white man who belongs to the chosen seedmixes his blood with the seed of Cain, the penalty, under the law of God, is death on the spot. This will always be so.”

Spencer W Kimball, the prophet who single-handedly gave blacks the priesthood through his revelation in 1978, had some interesting quotes about Native Americans.

In the Book of Mormon, two groups of people were divided by skin color. Those who were righteous were fair-skinned and those who weren’t, were dark-skinned. I’m glossing this topic over for brevity, but this is a common theme throughout this book and among the Mormon church. Also, Mormons believe that the dark-skinned people, called the Lamanites, are the ancestors of the Native Americans.

There’s a quote by Spencer W Kimball, who ran the Lamanite Placement Program (50,000 Native Americans were fostered by Mormon families over 40 years). He said, commenting on the color of their skin compared to those they had been living with:

“The day of the Lamanites is nigh. For years they have been growing delightsome, and they are now becoming white and delightsome, as they were promised.”

The Book of Mormon “promises” that if the Lamanites (the dark-skinned) are righteous, their skin will become white. Racism, whether direct or implied, is quite prevalent in the Mormon church. It took me getting away from the church to truly see it, however. Brainwashing has a way of blinding you to things like this.

LGBTQ+

Mormons have a hard line when it comes to their members who are LGBTQ+. Their “Proclamation of the Family” says that gender is an eternal distinction, and marriage is only allowed between a man and a woman. They have zero tolerance for anything outside of this. But where does this leave those Mormons who are LGBTQ+? It makes them pariahs in the church.

They do make an effort to tolerate them by saying things like, “Love the sinner, hate the sin,” because if you are not straight, you are sinning against God and nature. They, like many churches, have had rigorous conversion therapy programs to help those who were attracted to the same sex. I have friends who have survived these programs. They were horrible and did nothing but teach them to further repress their true feelings.

Officially, Mormons say that they tolerate members of this community. As long they do not act upon their feelings and urges, like straight members, by keeping the law of chastity — no sex outside of marriage. Of course, they won’t allow LGBTQ+ members to marry each other, so this means that they will never be allowed to be with one another.

Many of this community have left the church and are angry about how they were treated as Mormons. Also, many families have left the church because of how the church treats their children or friends. These people are angry about their experience with a church that supposedly follows the teachings of Christ — to love everyone, unconditionally.

In Conclusion

So, yes, Mormons are nice. I am still part of a large Mormon circle of friends and family, with whom I interact. Most of my family members are Mormons. They treat me with kindness but are wary of me. Leaving the church is like catching a disease, and Mormons do not want to catch it. Those who are truly close to you, eventually let down their guard, but most Mormons fear talking to ex-Mormons — we who used to be Mormon — because our sentiments and beliefs might rub off on them.

Leaving the church is like catching a disease, and Mormons do not want to catch it.

If you ever run into the missionaries (the full-time missionaries described above — those who run around with white shirts, ties, and name tags), you can ask them for help around the house if needed. Do you need some yard work done or help cleaning out your garage? These guys not only want to help, but they are required by the church to give a certain number of service hours every week.

At its core, however, it is a tactic to get into your home, befriend you, and ask if they can teach you about the church — building relationships of trust. Nothing is free in this life. With Mormons, the cost is an opportunity to share the good word of Mormonism. Conversion by kindness.

For all the reasons described above, you can see why some ex-Mormons have grudges and feelings of betrayal after leaving the church. Many have left on their own because of doctrinal issues or the way they were treated. Many have been kicked out because of the way they believed or acted— a process called excommunication.

As a Mormon, you have been brainwashed into believing and acting a certain way. When you finally leave or are kicked out it takes a while for the brainwashing to wear off. In some cases, strong feelings of anger against the church will come out. For me, I am just happy to no longer be in a cult that prescribed my actions and thoughts in a specific way. I now have the freedom to be who I want to be. I have friendships, true friendships, just because I like them. And I no longer have ulterior motives for those friendships.

Hopefully this answers the original asked question about why some ex-Mormons are angry with the church.

For more of my work, here are some of my other articles:

Amway and the Mormon Church

You Might Be Surprised At the Similarities

medium.com

The Mormon Repentance Ferris Wheel

Sin, Guilt, Shame, Depression, Confession, Happiness, Repeat

medium.com

Rasta Java Love

A silly rasta poem about coffee

medium.com

MormonSexismRacismWritingWhite Privilege

Published in Recovering Mormon

40 followers·Last published Mar 16, 2024

A Place To Discuss Recovering From Mormonism or articles told from a Recovering Mormon perspective.

Written by Rockwell Porter Johnson

74 followers·570 following

A recovering Mormon writing about life, sex, drugs, and rock & roll.

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