My Ex Wants Me Back: What Should I Do? - BetterHelp

Key takeaways

• An ex returning can feel validating or flattering, but it doesn’t always mean reconciliation is a healthy choice.
• Healthy reconciliation usually requires honest communication, time, and changed patterns.
• A therapist can help you weigh your options and decide whether getting back together is the best choice for you.

The decision of whether to reunite with an ex often requires careful consideration. Will things be different? Are you getting back together for the right reasons? How will reuniting (or not) affect your mental health? This guide can help you consider multiple angles so you can make the best decision for you. Below is an overview of common reasons an ex might want to get back together, unhealthy patterns to look out for, tips for honest reflection on your former relationship, and how to get support in making this choice.

Signs your ex may want to reconcile

In some cases, your ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, or ex-partner might tell you directly that they want to get back together. In other cases, they may suggest it without saying it. For example, they might keep asking you to hang out, continually check in with you, or ask mutual friends about you. Or, they might play mind games, with the signs your ex sends potentially qualifying as mixed signals—like continuing to flirt with you while dating other people. 

If they haven’t made their intentions clear, it’s okay to ask them what they want or set boundaries based on what you want. A lack of clarity can make the situation confusing and potentially hurtful for everyone.

Why does my ex want me back? Common reasons

There can be many reasons your ex wants you back, so you might directly ask them why they want to rekindle things. In addition, considering a few common motivators for reconciling after a breakup might help you evaluate your ex’s intentions.

Familiarity

Couples often get back together simply because being together is a familiar relationship. Even if it’s unhealthy or not a good match, it may feel easier or less scary to be together rather than go through a breakup and continue the search for true love elsewhere.

Love

Many couples break up despite still having love for each other, and these feelings can sometimes draw them back together. Even though love alone may not always be enough to build a healthy relationship, it can motivate couples to want to rekindle their connection—especially if they’re also experiencing nostalgia or idealization of the relationship.

Fear of being alone

It’s not uncommon for a person to want to reunite with their ex because they’re afraid of or uncomfortable being alone. Especially if they’re used to always being in a relationship, a person might restart things with their ex just to avoid being single.

A change in circumstances or patterns

It’s also possible that your ex made meaningful changes that would increase your chances of building a healthy relationship together. For example, maybe they’re moving back to the city where you live, which means the struggles of a long-distance relationship will no longer be an issue. Or, maybe they’ve been in therapy to address an insecure attachment style and are now ready to engage with you in a healthier way.

Do you want to get back together? Weighing the decision

Just because your ex wants you back doesn’t mean the relationship will restart; you need to decide if that’s what you want too. If you already know you’re not interested, communicating this clearly to your ex and then setting boundaries about future contact, if needed, can be helpful next steps.

But what if you’re not sure? If you don’t know what to do next or are leaning toward reconciliation, it can help to take time to think about it carefully. As of 2021, 44% of American adults report that they’ve gotten back together with an ex at least once, but rekindling things doesn’t always lead to a happier or healthier relationship.

How to reflect on what you really want

When you take time to think about whether you want to get back together with your ex or not, you might start by conducting an honest evaluation of your former relationship since you started dating the person. You could read old journals, look over texts or letters between you and your ex, and ask family members and friends for their impressions of your dynamic. Think about:

• How your ex made you feel
• Whether you can trust them
• How the relationship impacted your mental health
• The type of person you were when you were around them
• Whether your goals and desires for the future align with theirs

To organize your thoughts, you might journal, talk it out with a friend, or work with a therapist. Try not to rush or fast-forward the process, and be as honest with yourself as you can.

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Taking time for honest reflection can also help you avoid getting back together with your ex for potentially unhelpful reasons, like:

• To avoid being alone
• To boost your self-esteem
• To soothe your jealousy about your ex’s new girl, new guy, or new partner
• Because you feel guilty for how the breakup affected your ex

It may be more difficult to rebuild a healthy relationship on a foundation of reasons like these.

The “no-contact” rule: giving yourself space to reflect before deciding

A “no-contact” rule is a self-imposed limit on how long you have to wait after a breakup before you can contact your ex again—often 30 days or a few months. Taking this kind of break can give you time to reflect and allow strong emotions to level out so you can weigh your options before moving forward. 

So if your ex wants to get back together, you might impose a no-contact rule for a certain period first. Whether you reflect on your own during this time or work with a therapist to sort things out, the space could help you figure out whether reconciling makes sense for you—without rushing and without your ex’s influence.

Repeating past problems: Will getting back together change anything?

When considering getting back together with your ex, it can be wise to think about the reasons that your partner or boyfriend broke up with you, why you broke up with them, or why the relationship ended mutually. If nothing has changed in those areas, getting back together might revive the same problems that ended the relationship in the first place. 

For example, you and your partner may have broken up because of:

• A breach of trust, like infidelity or persistent lies. Rebuilding trust requires accountability, self-reflection, and intentional repair. Getting back together without having done serious work to repair broken trust may result in another breakup.
• Incompatibilityin terms of where you want to live, whether you want children, etc. Unless one person has had a true change of heart or circumstance, getting back together after breaking up for this reason may result in resentment and conflict.
• Personal challenges. If partners haven’t reached out for professional support in addressing past trauma, mental health challenges, difficult family dynamics, or other challenges that were impacting their relationship, those factors will likely continue to negatively affect their connection.

In other words, it’s usually not enough to hope or say that things will be different this time. Instead, both partners usually need to put in the effort to make meaningful changes so they can avoid being derailed by the same stuff or same issues they faced last time. 

Working with a therapist can help you recognize any toxic patterns in your past relationship and develop skills to build healthier connections. 

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Healthy reconciliation vs. a toxic cycle

Often, a good sign of healthy reconciliation is both parties first taking time to reflect on what went wrong the first time, and then beginning the work of making meaningful changes. If not, restarting the relationship can start a toxic cycle of breaking up, getting back together, and breaking up again. 

This type of cycle can lead to lower relationship satisfaction, poorer communication, a higher risk of intimate partner violence, and a higher risk of depression and anxiety in the partners. In other words, an “on again, off again” relationship may be unlikely to become healthy or stable.

Tips for success if you decide to get back together

Communicating clearly with your ex before getting back together can be crucial for promoting the best outcome. You might plan to have a meaningful conversation to give you both a better understanding of how past issues have been addressed—or about how you’ll work to address them. You might also discuss what commitments you’ll both make to personal and relationship growth, how you’ll handle conflict going forward, and what boundaries and expectations you each have.

Remember that it’s still okay to go your separate ways if you can’t reach agreements during this stage. If you do reach agreements and restart the relationship, you might take things slow and avoid rushing. It could also help to have monthly or quarterly check-ins for the first year or more to evaluate how things are going and make adjustments where needed.

How to move on if you decide to stay broken up

If you decide to stay broken up, you might take the time you need to grieve the end of the relationship. Aim to feel your feelings, but try to avoid rumination or self-isolation. You might also focus on practicing self-care, being gentle with yourself, and reaching out to friends and family for social support as you heal. If you decide to go on a first date and eventually enter a new relationship someday, you might use the lessons you learned from being with your ex to develop a healthy new partnership with someone else.

If you’re still unsure whether you should get back together with your ex, it may be helpful to speak with a licensed therapist. They can help you assess your feelings, evaluate the strengths and weaknesses of your past relationship, and consider whether rekindling things with your ex is what you really want. Or, if you’ve decided to move on, a therapist can help you learn from your past relationship and rebuild self-trust going forward. Whatever the case, you deserve support if you happen to be facing relationship challenges.

The option of online therapy

If you don’t have time to commute to and from in-person therapy sessions, online therapy can be a convenient and accessible alternative. With a platform like BetterHelp, you can connect with a licensed counselor from the comfort of your own home or anywhere you have an internet connection. You can choose the most comfortable mode of communication for you: phone call, video call, live chat, or a combination of these methods. Research suggests that online therapy can often be as effective as in-person therapy.

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Takeaway

If your ex wants to get back together, you may be experiencing conflicting feelings and confusion about what to do. Taking time apart to evaluate your past relationship and consider how the two of you could address its problems can be helpful. It’s usually best to avoid getting back together to avoid being alone, or to rekindle a relationship that was toxic. If you’re not sure how to move forward, meeting with a therapist can help you uncover your true feelings and weigh your options.