Nitpicking The Hits: Jennifer Lopez And Pitbull Want Everyone “On The Floor”–especially You, Dale! – All The City Lights

In this new feature, I’ll be examining the lyrics to a current Top 10 hit in excruciating detail for no reason other than to mock it.

The hit: “On the Floor” by Jennifer Lopez, featuring the stylings of Miami rapper Pitbull

Chart position: Presumably propelled by J. Lo’s “American Idol” exposure, “On the Floor” rose four positions to No. 5 on this week’s Billboard Hot 100 singles chart.

The general idea: The dance floor is an ideal place to do some dancing. Also: “La la la la la la la la la la la la la la.”

LET’S NITPICK THIS SUCKER

Dale get on the floor Dale get on the floor Dale get on the floor Dale get on the floor Dale get on the floor Dale I want the whole world to Get on the floor

This is exactly how the opening lyrics are transcribed on several sites. I had to locate the long version of the song—the introduction has been mostly excised from the single edit/official video—to figure out that Pitbull is using the Spanish/Cuban slang word dalé, meaning “let’s go” or “do it,” not ordering somebody named Dale to start dancing and, ideally, inspire the entire world to follow suit. I am disappointed. This song has lost a lot of its appeal already.

I’m like ‘Inception,’ I play with your brain So I don’t sleep I snooze I don’t play no games so don’t get it confused, no ’cause you will lose, yeah

Comparing your rapping to one of the most successful mind-fucks in recent memory–that’s a bold statement. If I were Pitbull, I’d want to back up that boast with some pretty potent rhymes that twist the meanings of words in unexpected ways. Or at least a pun. Somthing! Not our man Pitbull, though. He talks about how he prefers napping when he ain’t rapping, which, incidentally, is a better rhyme than “snooze” and “confused.”

Now pump it up And back it up like a Tonka truck

You know what? I was going to jump all over Pitbull for this one. Tonka, of course, is a toy manufacturer. It makes smaller versions of the real thing, which is the exact opposite metaphor one should be invoking when rapping about asses. Telling a lady that she has an ass like a Tonka truck means that her curves are 1/16 scale. But, upon Googling “Tonka,” I learned that the company takes its name from an Indian word for “great” or “large.” Clearly, Pitbull just slipped into Dakota-Sioux for a second. I’m sorry I ever doubted you, buddy.

All I need is some vodka and some chunka coke And watch a chick get donkey-konged

Let’s ignore the chunky Coca-Cola for a second and focus on the second line. Using context clues, we can surmise that “donkey kong” is some sort of variation on the loathsome, totally-made-up sex act known as the donkey punch. Urban Dictionary is little help in identifying what distinguishes a donkey kong punch from a regular donkey punch, although I appreciate the definition that claims the penetrating partner, rather than simply using his fist, smashes a barrel over the head of the receiving partner. At any rate, Pitbull is claiming that all he needs for a good time is to watch a woman subjected to potential lethal assault. Nice! (Other lyrics sites seem to think the line is “watch this shit get donkey-konged,” which … well, I’m not sure what that could possibly mean. (UPDATE: But commenter d k below has an explanation. Thanks, d k!)

Don’t stop, keep it moving put your drinks up

Frankly, the song gets a lot more dull once Pitbull finishes and J. Lo starts her one-note chanting, but I am enjoying the image of fights breaking out on the floor because everyone hoisted their glasses and spilled syrupy beverages all over each other.

Brazil, Morocco, London to Ibiza Straight to L.A. New York Vegas to Africa

Animaniacs found a way to turn the name of every country in the world into a song with a consistent rhyme scheme. Surely the committee behind this song could have come up with a way to make this list of party locations a little bit more poetic. Let me take a stab at it:

Brazil, Morocco London to Chicago L.A., New York and Rio Kinshasa to Toledo DETROIT! UH!

See? It’s easy. I could write this junk.