Party Rings. The Whys? And The Wherefores? - Biscuitswin

Literally loads of people have started getting involved in the fascinating world of biscuits and I’ve been trawling the post-bag for the next biscuit to review.  I’ve had some suggestions which I’ve had to reject i.e digestives, rich tea etc, and numerous offers of celebrity appearances.  Whilst I appreciate the kind thoughts I feel it’s best to let the biscuits take the limelight.  As such, which biscuit is next?

I’d like to introduce The Party Ring.

As regular readers will know it’s now time to get into the science.  I’ll be employing the typically imperious method of research that we in the industry call The Five Senses.  Are we sitting comfortably?  then I’ll begin…

Sight:

On opening the frankly enormous packet the first thing that strikes you is the brash colour scheme which hasn’t differed, (to my knowledge) since 1985.  There’s a range of bright, trippy coloured rings clearly targeted at an immature market place.  The uninitiated might assume that they’re going to get a fruit based ring, (possibly strawberry, banana?) and they’d be wrong.  However they do pass our favorite test at the biscuit research lab – You open the packet and everyone steals one.

Smell:

Biscuits don’t smell.  Fact.

Sound:

Jesus Wept!  Nothing in the world of biscuits, no prior experience, nothing in fact can prepare you for the sound of biting into a Party Ring.  The snap is audible from at least three feet and you can see ripples in the coffee of the person sat opposite.  They should really come with a warning that eating in large quantities can lead to the earlier onset of tinnitus.  These are not for secret snackers they’re for load proud biscuit eaters.  A good result then, let’s move on…

Feel:

Now as I’m sure you’re aware, from their name if nothing else, Party Rings are essentially well, a ring. I can confirm that they’re easy to find in a dimly lit room and easy to differentiate from most other objects that might occupy a party table.  It’s possible to use the hole as an aide to lifting/ carrying but this will increase the likelihood of biting a finger.  Overall then it’s a mixed result in the feel stakes – easy to identify, easy to hurt yourself.

Taste:

Christ! What the hell did I just put in my mouth?  How have I been so blinded by the gaudy colour scheme?  Why oh why did I buy them?  Your first impressions are ones of marked disappointment in combination with a sensation similar to chewing on cardboard.  Your tongue is instantly confused.  Surely the different colours represent different tastes it asks?  Oh no.  Essentially you get a mixture of icing sugar and rock hard bland biscuit.  On a taste level it’s a score of absolute zero.  Last place.  Shit.

Heart:

Now this is a tricky one.  Party rings bring back so many nostalgic half remembered emotions of childhood.  Who didn’t attend a birthday party in their youth where they were present?  Who doesn’t associate them with Bacon Fries, a mixed bowl of crisps (fools) and vomiting with excitement for no good reason.  However, the nostalgia simply isn’t enough to make up for the crushing disappointment of tasting one as an adult.  Therefore their effect on my heart can be described simply as one of annoyance and despondance.  Total.  Fail.

Right so what did we learn?  Party rings look great in a thoroughly eighties way, smell fine and have a Snap which can frighten wildlife.  How we all ate this as a child without destroying our hearing is beyond me.  Taste wise they’re a disappointment on par with seeing photos of Sally Gunnell these days, (you can replace that reference with whoever you like) and they leave me feeling hollow and disappointed.  Overall then if you want a biscuit to impress your friends with at parties then these will do fine.  Just don’t let anyone actually eat one…

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