Pink: Try Meaning - Lyric

anonymous

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click a star to vote Dec 12th 2012 !⃝

I think this powerful song can have various meanings and will talk to various people in a different way, depending on what they're going through. The words are simple, but I think the meaning can vary a lot. In my situation, P!nk is talking to my ex-partner. You might be shocked by my story. My intention is to share my version of this song and make people conscious of what honesty should mean when being in a relationship. I'm disgusted with what I've done to my ex-partner, what I've hidden for many years, I don't have enough words to express how sorry I feel for him. I just hope he will find the strength to "get up and try" to move on. Here's my story. You’ll understand at the end what the meaning of that song is in my story, in my ex story. I'm a Frenchman, I've had a relationship for 8 years with a Scottish man who I always thought and still think is the love of my life. We met in the UK when I was a foreign student in Birmingham. It was 2004, I was 20, he was 33. As soon as we met we both felt such a strong love for each other, I had never felt this kind of feeling before. I had to go back to France in 2005 but we kept living and strengthening our relationship despite the distance. I visited him or he visited me every 2 weeks, for 7 years. We had amazing times together, we shared so much. He became a member of my family, he came to family holidays (ski, summer holidays in south of France...), to my brother's and sister's weddings, birthdays, christenings and many more family events. He was loved by my entire family, even by my grandmother who is a very strict catholic woman not very open to gay people. He was accepted and welcome because he's a wonderful man, kind, generous, gentleman, funny, easy-going, and always at ease in any kind of situation (I could leave him on his own with French people that he didn't know, he would always find an easy natural way to connect with them, even if he doesn't speak the language). I also got completely accepted by his family and friends, I always felt so much welcome by all his friendly cousins in Edinburgh! I was so happy to have found the love of my life, and he was so happy too. Last January 2012, I moved to London so that we could finally live together. How perfect it was then to have dinner together every night, to feel he was here for me, to feel I was here for him, to have a life and future together. But for 8 years, even if most of our relationship was real and my feelings were truly sincere, there was a big lie. And my ex found out the truth last June 2012: the truth is I had been seeing many other men for sex (and friendships) when I was in France. He discovered one email. And then he discovered there had been plenty more guys, for 8 years. So the start of the song is clear to me, P!nk is talking about me to my ex:"Ever wonder about what he's doing.How it all turned to lies". I've never been honest to him, couldn't find a way to tell him, because I'm a selfish little bastard who was just afraid of losing him. I could not admit I was not sexually attracted to my partner and I could not find the courage to tell him. Instead of admitting the truth, I had been lying to him, cheating, living a double life, without really feeling guilty at the time, I totally separated sex from feelings in my head. I became a sex addict, having different experiences. I'm trying to understand all this with my therapist. My story is getting worse. Beginning of August 2012, my ex left the flat for a few days so that we could both step back and think. I decided I needed to erase the past, to have a new start and rebuild anything that was possible, if it was still time. To do that, I thought I had to make a health screening. You know, it was one of the things I had to do, to tick that box. When I cheated my ex, I had safe sex so I was not worried. Saturday 4 August 2012. 11am. I go to a clinic in central london. I arrive. Get a coffee. Welcoming staff. I'm in the waiting room, watching the Olympics on a TV. The doctor invites me to go upstairs, we talk about what I have done. He asks me whether I feel I had been at risk. I said no, and then I thought about it and realised I may have been, just by the fact that I had had so many different partners, in Paris, in Lille, and sometimes I had poppers or a few drinks. The doctor made an instant HIV test (he just takes a drop of blood on the finger and can see the results in 2 min). I will always remember his exact words "I'm afraid I have bad news". I was HIV positive. Life stopped. I couldn't talk, couldn't breathe. couldn't think. I was so horrified by the idea I might have infected the love of my life too. Having no family or close friends in London to call first, I decided to immediately call my ex because he had to make a test as soon as possible. I remember being in the street in front of the clinic, in tears, not being able to calm down and talk, calling him and announcing the news over the phone, in panick. Luckily he was not on his own, he having coffee with friends. He immediately took a cab and he was there 10 min later. When I saw him I was in panick, I couldn't face his eyes, I wanted to die and wanted to be with him at the same time. I felt shit and terrified that he could be infected. But this wonderful man, who could have yelled at me, who could have been insulting me, took me in his arms instead. We were still in the street, I was crying, screaming, I had never been in such a state. We got back inside the clinic, my ex made an instant test which was negative. But he had to do another one a few weeks later to be sure (we had had unprotected sex a few weeks before). Luckily at the end he’s really negative. I would have NEVER forgiven myself if it had turned out differently. These weeks waiting for the next results were hell. I couldn’t accept myself. Despite all that, my ex came with me to the hospital as I needed to do a lot of tests to find out how my health was. We found out my immune system was very low, at risk. And I was very contagious. I had to start an antiretroviral treatment immediately, no question to wait more. My ex cried when we got out of the hospital, because he was still so much in love. He was angry at me but he also felt guilty that he didn’t see anything I was doing. Do you imagine? He felt guilty when actually he didn’t deserve any of this, I should be the one guilty for having been a stupid selfish disrespectful boy. He loved me so much that he felt guilty for not having been able to protect me, save me. Autumn 2012 has been hell. Because we couldn’t give up our relationship but at the same time we were hurting each other. Me hurting him just by being there, being a reminder of all the lies, and him hurting me because he was making me feel more guilty than I already was, I was stopping to live, everything that I was doing or thinking was in the guiltiness of what I had done. So we both decided to break up in October. We moved to a different flat 2 weeks ago (end of November 2012). I’m sad, lost, don’t know where I’m going and I struggle to find a sense to my life. I terribly miss my ex but I know we could not carry on. I know my ex has now lost all confidence and hope in life. He’s in such pain that he struggles to see any interest in anything. It hurts to know he is in that state but I can’t really help him, my presence would hurt him more. He still loves me. He wants me back (not the guy I’ve been for 8 years butthe one he met 8 years ago before I did what I did). He needs friends and family, not the guy who destroyed his life and has put his health at risk. I needed to give you all this context to make you understand what this song means to me. P!nk is telling my ex: You “wonder what he’s doing, how it all turned to lies, but sometimes you shouldn’t ask why”, there might not be a rational answer to all this. You had and “have desire” for that Frenchman . He is a “flame that burned you”, emotionally and physically: He caused you pain and have put your health at risk. “But you’re not going to die, you have to get up”, you have to fight, you need to find your way. P!nk leaves room for interpretation when saying “gonna get up and try”. Try what?? In my ex’ situation, I believe it’s try to move on, try to forgive, try to live all the good things that there are to live, try to see the positive things in life. She also reminds him “how the heart can be deceiving, more than just a couple times” he needs to move on instead of keep being in love “even when it’s not right”. So you have to get up. Sometimes when I listen to the song I also feel she’s talking to me. Because I’m not gonna die even if I’ve got an incurable (but manageable) disease. I need to get up and try. Yes everything is ruined. I’m trying to get by. To all people who are having affairs without telling their partner: I hope my story will make you think and realise how much you can destroy the person who loves you. I was everything to him, he’s now lost everything and even the willing to get up, the confidence, the energy to live a new life. I’ve learned honesty is a pillar in any relationship. I lied to myself and my partner for many years, I now have to live with all the consequences. To the love of my live: if you hear me, please get up and try. X