Realistically, How Big Is Shaq's Dick? - Two Dawgs, One Blawg

I’m not sure what is going to be longer, this blog or Shaq’s dick, but we’re going to find out. Given a number of his known physical characteristics such as height, weight, shoe size and blackness, I have to imagine Shaquille O’Neal is sporting one of the longest, strongest hammer cocks outside of Africa’s diminishing population of elephants.

We all know that Shaq’s wiener has to be ginormous, but just exactly how big is it? I have taken the liberty to calculate some proportions given the size of my own bald-headed sailor, so we can better guesstimate the potential size of Shaq’s cactus. I think this is fair because, as I and most women would tell you, my dick is very proportionate to my small and unimpressive body. Any bigger or smaller it would seem out of place.

Before we start, I would like to note that I strictly compared dick proportions under the assumption that they are fully erect. Given the perennial “grower vs shower” dilemma, it would be too hard (ironic) to guess someone’s flaccid penis size.

Height

Let’s start with height. Unfortunately to myself and to women across America, I’m only 5’7″. Therefore, you shouldn’t be surprised to hear that my boner is roughly 6.2 inches long. We’ll call it 6 to make the math easier and to account for my own measurement bias. That means if I’m 67 inches tall and my disco-stick is 6 inches long when sprouting a full-fledged erection, I have a dick to height ratio of 8.9% meaning my nightstick represents 8.9% of my total height.

Let’s compare that to Shaq. Shaq is 7’1″, making him 85 inches tall. To get a 8.9% dick to height ratio, Shaq’s schlong would only need to be 7.5 inches!? There’s just no way that’s possible. I have to think at minimum he’s packing 10 inches in his pants. If that’s the case, Shaq’s dick to height ratio would be much higher at around 11.7%. I’m quite disappointed by these results, because it seems as if there is not a linear dick to height relationship. This is just rubbing salt in my wounds, knowing that if I was just a few inches taller, my dick would likely more than proportionately grow in size. Curse you God and the genetics you bestowed upon me.

Weight

Let’s move onto weight. I don’t know if weight implies anything length wise as much as girth, but we’ll see. I weigh 145 lbs, meaning my dick to weight ratio is 4.13%. For every 1 inch of boner, I weigh 24.16 lbs. Compare that to Shaq’s 325 lb. body. To get a 4.13% dick to weight ratio, Shaq would need a 13.4 inch long cock. Now that seems more like it. 13.4 inches? Over a foot long? Now we’re getting somewhere.

Shoe Size

Moving on to shoe size, I wear a size 9. Meaning my dick to shoe-size ratio is 66%. Buckle up everybody, because this is going to get ridiculous. Shaq wears a size 23. For Shaq to have a 66% dick to shoe-size ratio, his dick would need to be 15.1 inches long. Holy mother of god.

To put that in perspective, the average human baby is 18 inches long at birth. So basically, if the dick to shoe-size ratio is accurate, Shaq’s dick is just slightly shorter than a typical infant. Hopefully that comparison is never done in person, but good christ almighty that is a big penis.

The Black Consideration

It’s a slightly racist but widely accepted notion that black men have larger appendages between their legs than that of other races. I think it’s fair to automatically adjust Shaq’s proportionality calculated dick ever so slightly higher to accommodate for this.

Actually, some random website I found says “researchers reviewed penis size reports from 113 countries. What they found was that men of African decent tended to report the longest penises (an average of 16.07 cm, or 6.33 inches), while those of East Asian decent tended to report the shortest penises (an average of 10.95 cm, or 4.31 inches). Men of European decent tended to fall somewhere in the middle (an average of 14.51 cm, or 5.71 inches).“

So, it’s not even racist! It’s a fact! If the average European descended penis (that’s me) is 5.71 inches (HA I’m above average), and the average African descended penis is 6.33 inches (that’s Shaq), that mean’s a black man’s dick is roughly 10% larger than a white mans. We will take this into account later on.

By the way, if you still think this is unfair, just this week it was announced the SAT would take into account the race and ethnicity of students to adjust their score when sending it to colleges and universities. If Asian kids are getting bumped down on the SAT, Shaq gets a bump up in dick size for being black. Period.

The Conclusion

The average of our three proportionate categories is as follows:

Dick to height: 7.5 inches (yeah right)

Dick to weight: 13.4 inches (getting closer)

Dick to shoe size: 15.1 inches (yeah babbbyyy)

Average: miraculously, exactly 12 inches.

Adjusted black man consideration: + 10% (1.2 inches)

FINAL DICK SIZE: 13.2 INCHES

I’m satisfied with that. That is appropriately massive to support the notion that Shaq has a gigantic piece, but it’s not so story-book unrealistic or God-like that people won’t believe it. I think I’ve done my due diligence and from now on will argue in bars that Shaq’s dick is proven to be 13.2 inches long when erect.

I rest my case.

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