Self-help Guide For Abusive Men In Heterosexual Relationships

Have you hurt, scared, or controlled your partner?

Domestic abuse, or domestic violence, is usually defined as any incident of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are or have been intimate partners or family members, regardless of their gender or sexuality.

However, incidents are rarely isolated and most people who experience abuse find that there tends to be a pattern of behaviours that scare, hurt and/or otherwise control them.

Coercive control refers to what goes on between episodes of violence and abuse, as well as to the ‘incidents’ themselves. Frightening and controlling your partner means that she is less able to be herself or to do as she wants. If you have children together, or even in the home, they are likely to be scared and upset by it, too.

Behaviours like stalking and checking on your partner isolate her from support and trap her in a world where you call the shots and are violent and abusive when she doesn’t do what you want. The memories of what has happened in the past when she ‘broke your rules’ can be enough to keep her under your control and in your power, whether you use abuse or not.

Domestic violence and abuse can include, but is not limited, to the following:

Physical abuse Hitting, punching, kicking, pushing, using a weapon against her, putting your hands around her throat, strangling, choking or causing her any other kind of physical harm, regulating food intake, damaging things, throwing and breaking things.

Psychological or emotional abuse Calling her names, texting, or emailing her abusive messages, putting her down, shouting or swearing, controlling who she sees, accusing her of things or demanding that she changes her clothes or looks.

Gaslighting Gaslighting is another form of psychological abuse where you discredit her memory, perception and sanity through lies, denial, contradiction, false information and manipulation.

Sexual abuse Pressuring or forcing her to have sex, touching her against her will, sulking or punishing her for not wanting sex, forcing her to watch porn, degrading her or pressuring her to have unprotected sex is sexual abuse. Sexual abuse can happen in or outside of relationships or marriage.

Financial and/or economic abuse Keeping a strict account of how much she is spending, keeping her short of money, refusing to sign paperwork, using her credit cards without permissions, building up debts. Restricting her access to essentials such as food, clothing or transport, denying her the right to have her own money by preventing her from being in education or employment, preventing her from accessing benefits or a bank account, withholding financial contributions to your child/ren’s care after you have separated.

Online and digital abuse Monitoring her social media profiles or emails, abusing her over social media such as Facebook or Twitter, sharing intimate photos or videos without her consent, using GPS locators or spyware on her phone.

Post-separation abuse Making unwelcome contact after you have separated, calling, and texting her repeatedly, checking up on her movements or pressuring her to take you back, following her, using contact arrangements to abuse her and punish her for leaving the relationship.

If you have used any of these behaviours towards your partner or ex-partner, you are being abusive and/or have been abusive.

How would you feel if someone treated you like that?

Remember:

• You do not have the right to control your partner’s life or behaviour.
• No matter how angry you are, it is never ok to abuse your partner.
• No matter how she behaves, she, and any children you have together have a right to live free from abuse.
• You can change your behaviour if you choose to do so.

Choose to change!