Talking With Your Child About Adoption

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Psych CentralSubscribeHow to Tell Your Child They’re Adopted

Medically reviewed by Joslyn Jelinek, LCSW, ACSW, RDDP — Written by Nancy Lovering — Updated on January 25, 2022

Should parents be honest?
When to talk to your child
Talking honestly
Next steps

At some point, most children ask where they came from. When your adopted child poses this question, what will you say?

Gay couple fathers helping daughter write — perinjo/Getty Images

Experts agree that telling your adopted child the truth is the best solution. But the question of how to tell your child they’re adopted can feel intimidating to parents.

One thing is clear — even if you’re not sure what to say, it’s better to bring up the topic early than to postpone it indefinitely. The sooner your child knows the truth, the better.

If your child is young enough, you can make their adoption something they’ve always known about themselves.

Early disclosure means that when your child asks questions about who they are, you’ll already have the topic of adoption woven seamlessly into the conversation. It will be as natural as the connection you have with them and an integral part of their understanding of themselves.

Should adoptive parents tell their kids the truth?

Children benefit from knowing the truth about significant identity factors, such as adoption.

Late discovery adoptees (LDAs) vouch very strongly for parental transparency on this subject. They cite distress and lower life satisfaction as some of the effects of not knowing the true identity of the adults who raised them and the existence of unknown biological parents.

It’s not they were adopted that causes distress. Instead, LDAs experience emotional disruption because they were not told the truth about their identity.

Healthy attachment

When parents are honest with their child about adoption, they nurture trust, an important part of the parent-child bond known as attachment.

The American Psychological Association states that successful attachment creates a foundation for emotional, cognitive, and social development.

Talking with older kids

If you have an older child who doesn’t know they’re adopted, it’s still important to tell them the truth.

While you’re reminding them of their importance in your life, you can also explain that you weren’t sure when and how to tell them. It’s OK if parents don’t have all the answers if your conversation is sincere.

Benefits of being honest

Maintaining trust isn’t the only benefit of telling your child the truth about their adoption. Other ways this information benefits them include:

providing the opportunity to access their family medical history
protecting them from the shock of finding another way, such as accidental disclosure from a another relative or family friend
offering them the chance to learn more about themselves, like whom they resemble or from whom did they inherit their hair color
preventing the possibility of shame that may result from hiding their story

When should you talk with your child about adoption?

Most experts agree that the conversation about birth origin should begin sooner rather than later.

It’s recommended that you start with the very basics when your child is young. As they grow and ask questions, you can provide more detail.

Age-appropriate conversations

It’s OK if your child doesn’t understand what adoption means when you first tell them. What matters is that when they are old enough to understand, they won’t feel unsettled by the added information.

They’ll already know they’re adopted and feel secure that you haven’t kept important facts from them.

A mixed-method study from 2019 involving 254 adopted adults revealed higher life satisfaction for those whose parents told them they were adopted before 3 years of age.

Normalizing adoption with open communication

Study participants said they preferred open communication and they benefited from supportive relationships. They also described contact with their birth parents and other adoptees as beneficial coping methods.

Consider regularly including the topic of adoption into your conversations, from the moment you bring your child home. Tell them how lucky you feel to have adopted them.

Normalize adoption by talking about all the diverse types of families that exist.

Talking with your child honestly

There’s no one-size-fits-all script for your adoption dialogue. Each situation and every child are unique.

But there are various strategies to consider that could make your conversation easier:

Challenging conversations

Your child’s adoption story might be complicated or difficult to discuss with them. If your child asks about their birth parents, you might not know what to say right away — and that’s OK.

Having honest conversations with your kids can be important for your relationship and their peace of mind. People who are adopted often learn about their birth parents and origins eventually. Hearing their adoption story from a parent can strengthen your trust.

Keeping difficult information age-appropriate may ease stress for both you and your child. As your children grow up, you can revisit the conversation and explain more details.

For example, you might simply start by saying that your child’s birth parents weren’t well enough to take on the responsibilities of parenting.

Next steps

Wherever you are in your adoption dialogue with your child, keep in mind that you’re not alone. It’s OK to reach out for support from the people in your life and to build new connections with other adoptive families.

Children are resilient when they have secure and trusting relationships with parents, adoptive or otherwise. Your love and support help them navigate life’s changes and challenges.

Adoption resources for kids and parents

Parents have an abundance of sources to turn to for guidance and help, both for themselves and their children.

12 Children’s Books on Adoptions
What Books about Adoption Would You Recommend for Children?
Finding and Working with Adoption-Competent Therapists
Tapestry Books
Inside Mental Health Podcast: Is Open Adoption Psychologically Healthy?
Inside Mental Health Podcast: Adoption and Mental Health Issues

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Baden A, et al. (2019). Delaying adoption disclosure: A survey of late discovery adoptees.https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0192513X19829503
How to tell your child they are adopted. (n.d.).https://www.familylives.org.uk/advice/your-family/fostering-adoption-kinshipcare/how-to-tell-your-child-they-are-adopted/
Parents and caregivers are essential to children’s healthy development. (2021).https://www.apa.org/pi/families/resources/parents-caregivers
Rosenhaus N. (2021). When to tell a child they were adopted and age-appropriate adoption language.https://adoptionswithlove.org/adoptive-parents/when-to-tell-a-child-they-are-adopted
When – and how – to tell your child they are adopted. (2021).https://www.americanadoptions.com/adoption/when_to_tell_your_child_about_their_adoption
When to tell your child about adoption. (2015).https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/adoption-and-foster-care/Pages/When-to-Tell-Your-Child-About-Adoption.aspx

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Medically reviewed by Joslyn Jelinek, LCSW, ACSW, RDDP — Written by Nancy Lovering — Updated on January 25, 2022

Talking With Your Child About Adoption

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Should adoptive parents tell their kids the truth?

Healthy attachment

Talking with older kids

Benefits of being honest

When should you talk with your child about adoption?

Age-appropriate conversations

Normalizing adoption with open communication

Talking with your child honestly

Challenging conversations

Next steps

Adoption resources for kids and parents

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