The 169+ Best Ask Jokes - UPJOKE

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An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap... read more

why didn't 4 ask out 5?

Because 4 was 2²

Professor X asks a girl

"What is your mutant power?" Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"She points up and says: "3 pulls"Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not r... read more

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I am over 18

I always ask what LGBT stands for...

But i never get a straight answer.Ps: I'm very aware of its meaning(since im very gay).

My wife asked me what "mansplaining" means

...now what am I supposed to do?

I asked what LGBTQIA means,

But I never get a straight answer

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I am over 18

I asked a hooker for a blowjob

She said it would cost $50I said I only have have $5 what can I get for that?She said a bus passI said what am I supposed to do with a bus pass?She said I don't know but you're not getting off here

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I am over 18

I asked my wife why she married me.

I asked my wife why she married me.She said “Because you are funny.”I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.”She said “See? You’re hilarious!”

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I am over 18

"What's your name, son?" The principal asked his student.

The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-David, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who filled out by Birth Certificate was an asshole."

Vladimir Putin consulted with a fortune teller. He asked:

"How long will I live?"The psychic replied: "I cannot tell that but I do know you will die on a Ukrainian holiday.""Which holiday?" Putin asked."Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian holiday."

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I am over 18

God asks Adam “Where is Eve?”

Adam says “she’s at the river washing her pussy”.God says “Damn you, Adam. I’m never gonna be able to get that smell off the fishes again...”

I asked 10 people what LGBQT stood for?

I couldn’t get a straight answer

A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad...

...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?

Whenever I'm in trouble, I ask myself what Jesus would do now.

And then I play dead and disappear from the scene for three days.

A company owner was asked a question,

How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

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I am over 18

Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad... read more

If a pro lifer asks "What if Mary aborted Jesus"?

Replying "it would have sped things along" isn't the answer they were looking for.

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I am over 18

The Maid asked the master's wife for a pay raise!!

The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?” Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.” “The first is that I iron better than you.” Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”... read more

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I am over 18

A teacher asked...

A teacher asked Johnny, "What does a chicken give us?"Johnny replied, "eggs.""Very good, Johnny. Jessica, what does a sheep give us?""Wool.""Very good, Jessica. Robbie, what does a cow give us?""Homework."Apparently Robbie has his own seat in the princ... read more

Just asked Siri.

"Surely it's not going to rain today?"She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley"...Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.

My wife asked if I could stop singing ‘Wonderwall’

I said maybe

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I am over 18

A child asks his father what "gay" means

The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".

My 7 year old son came in from school today and asked me:

"Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on 2 legs?" "Erm, I don't know" I replied "Mickey Mouse" he replied laughing "Dad, what kind of duck can walk on 2 legs" "Donald Duck" I replied "No, all ducks you idiot"

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I am over 18

My wife asked me what my favourite part of a blow job is.

I should not have said the 5 minutes of peace and quiet.

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I am over 18

Jane was obviously attracted to Tarzan and asking him about his life asked how he had sex..

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.Jane then explained to him what sex was.Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show yo... read more

My girlfriend asked me who my favorite vampire was...

I told her it was the dude from Sesame street She said, "He doesn't count." I said, "Oh I assure you, he does." (obligatory cake day joke)

"Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?"

Waitress: (slaps me across the face) The men I please are none of your damn business

I hate when people ask how I see myself in 3 years

I don’t have 2020 visionThis is the only day you can upvote this

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"The p... read more

A homeless guy asked me for money today

So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.

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I am over 18

A wife asks her programmer husband to go to the store

'Can you go down to the store, and get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.'Later on he returns home and she looks at hispurchases and says 'Why the fuck do you have 6 gallons of milk?'He responded 'They had eggs.'

As an Aussie, Americans always ask me where in Australia *isn’t* there anything trying to kill me…

“School” I tell them.

Son asks dad “how much does marriage cost?”

Dad: “i don’t know son I’m still paying for it”

A maid asks for a raise

*Mrs*: Why do you think you deserve a raise? You have only worked here for a month.*Maid*: I have three reasons, the first being that I cook better than you.*Mrs*: who told you that?*Maid*: Your husband said it.*Mrs*: And what else?*Maid*: He also told me that... read more

Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing...

It's always, "Is Pepsi okay?"

A Scottish woman visiting the U.S. walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a domestic beer. The bartender asks, "Anheuser Busch?"

The woman, a bit confused replies " It's fine I guess...... Anheuser pecker?"

Nine years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Ro... read more

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I am over 18

Kung Fu student asks his teacher

"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated. And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling m... read more

I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.

Since she can't even beat an eggEdit:Whoa, front page, im ashamed. Thank you kind stranger for the silver oh, you made my day!

My interviewer asked me to describe myself in one word.

I replied “vague”He asked, “can you elaborate?”I said, “yes.”

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I am over 18

A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for identification.

The blond asks, “What’s that?”The blond cop replies, “It’s the thing in your purse with your picture on it.”The blond reaches into her purse, pulls out her compact mirror, and hands it over.The blond cop opens it, takes a look, and says, “I’m sorry mam. If I knew you were an ... read more

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I am over 18

The husband leans over and asks his wife

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."Yes, she says, "I remember it well."OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it ... read more

My wife asked if she has any annoying habits...

... and then she got all offended during the PowerPoint presentation

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I am over 18

A woman asks her husband

A woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?" The husband replies, "I wanted to shag your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" To which the husband replies, "I think I did a pretty good job."

My swimmer friend asked me “what’s your favorite stroke?”

Apparently the one that killed Margaret Thatcher wasn’t an answer

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I am over 18

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock Cit... read more

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over for dinner

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner. The girl tells her boyfriend that she would like to "do it" for the first time.The boy is ecstatic but he has never done it before so he goes to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for over a... read more

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin... read more

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I am over 18

I was asked whether I prefer breasts or thighs.

I said "Well, both are nice, but I really like is a nice wet pussy". Apparently that was the wrong reply, as I'm now banned from KFC.

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I am over 18

A Teacher asks the students..

"Is it possible to insert 2 holes through one hole?"Nobody is able to answerTeacher: "You guys are so stupid. Go and ask your parents and come back tomorrow with an answer."The next day too, nobody is able to answer the question.Teacher: "Well, it seems your parents a... read more

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I am over 18

What's your name?", asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied."You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike." Mohammad returned home after school."How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked."My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”. ... read more

My wife asked me "do I look fat in these jeans?"

I said "promise not to be mad whatever I say?"She replied "yes of course!"I said "I banged your sister".

Everyone asked a 100-year-old man and his 98-year-old wife for their health secrets.

The old man said "I'll tell you my secret. I've been married for 75 years. I promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometres. So I've been walking 5 kilometres every day for past 75 years! Everyone applauded and asked again "But how come your wife is... read more

One day, God asked Adam how things were going with Eve.

One day, God asked Adam how things were going with Eve. Adam: Pretty good, I guess. God: You seem to be holding back. Do you have any questions? Adam: Well, why did you make her so much more beautiful than me? God: So you would enjoy looking at her. Adam: And why did you mak... read more

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I am over 18

I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex Tonight!". I said, "Wow, you're easy". Then her friend said, "she means 666-3629".

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I am over 18

What should you reply when a bully asks you ''Why are you so fat?

Everytime i fuck your mom she gives me a cookie.

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I am over 18

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks “Do you sell condoms for extremely large penises?”

“Yes we do,” said the pharmacist. “Do you need to buy some?” “No,” she replied, “but if you don’t mind I’m just going to wait here.”

The priest angrily asks the altar boy standing two meters away,

"Are you secretly drinking the holy wine?" The altar boy remains silent. The priest's anger grows. "I'm asking you! Can't you hear me?" "No, I can't hear anything from here, Father." "What do you mean? You're just two steps away and you can't hear me?" The altar... read more

I've asked so many people what the abbreviation LGBTQA+ stands for.

I never get a straight answer.

I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her we use names here.

I asked my mum "How much is a couple?"

"2 or 3" she replied.Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

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I am over 18

I asked a friend why she prefers Russian porn

She said because Russian porn gets me Soviet

Imagine asking a blind girl out in braille

and she leaves you on felt

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I am over 18

A boy tells his father "Dad, my math teacher is asking to see you.”

The father asks "What happened?" “Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 x 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 x 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'""Indeed, what is the difference?" says the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''The next day, the boy comes home from school an... read more

Asked My Parents if I was an accident

Mom: No, no, why would you think that? Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.

A boy asks his dad a question

A boy asks his dad "Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs,when their thumbs are not green?"The dad replies,"It's just a saying son,It's like when somebody is caught stealing,they say they have been caught 'red handed',even though their hands is black."

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I am over 18

I Asked My Wife For The Rake

I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn’t find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, “Where’s the rake?”She couldn’t hear me and she shouted back, “What?”I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a ... read more

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I am over 18

One night I asked my Scottish friend how many sexual partners he’s had

He started counting, and after a minute or so, he fell asleep

I asked God what the most unlikely thing in the world was.

He replied.

As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.Despite them not knowing what a Trump fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well, all except for little Timmy.The teacher looks over to little Timmy and asks, “Timmy, why are you bein... read more

Wife asks: Why are you watching our wedding video backwards?

— I like the part when I take the ring off your finger, leave church and go to the bar with friends.

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I am over 18

A little girl asks her mother, “Mommy, how was I born?”

Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So w... read more

A man goes to the white house and asks to talk to president Trump.

A guard tells him that Trump is no longer president. The man then leaves.The man comes back the next day and again asks to speak to president Trump. The guard says "like I already told you he is no longer president".This then repeats a third day and at that point the guard asks "why ... read more

My wife asked why I was whispering.

I told her that Mark Zuckerburg might be listening.Then she laughed, and Siri laughed, and Alexa laughed.

I met a woman at the bar and asked to take her home

She said I'm on my menstrual cycle, I said that's okay I'll follow you on my Honda

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I am over 18

An attractive woman once asked if I was more interested in breasts or legs.

I told her that I was mainly into feet and anal.I'm no longer welcome at that KFC restaurant.

Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?"

I immediately burst into tears.12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian

A woman asked me what a creampie was

I made sure to fill her in

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I am over 18

A random girl asked me to explain to her what an NFT is

I replied that an NFT is like everyone fucking your wife and using her, but you don't have to worry because you have the paperwork which says you are married to her.

A little girl asks her father: "Daddy, what is corruption?"

-- Go bring me a beer and I'll tell you.-- But mommy said you should stop drinking!-- Get yourself an ice-cream too while you bring me that beer.-- Oh, okay!

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I am over 18

A girl once asked me if I was a breast or legs guy

I told her I was more into anal and feetNow I’m banned from KFC

My grandad asked me how to print on his computer...

I told him it’s Ctrl-P. He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.

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I am over 18

A man goes to ask the great guru, "Which is better, large breasts or small breasts?"

The great guru asks him "How much money do you have in bills in your wallet?"The man quickly counts the money. "Thirty dollars.""And if you had thirty dollars in coins," said the guru, "which would have the greater mass- the coins or the bills?""The coins of course.""... read more

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I am over 18

My young son saw me taking Viagra and asked what it was...

So I replied, "It's just a vitamin I have to take every once in a while."My wife said, "You really shouldn't lie to the boy..."I said, "you're right honey." So I knelt next to my son and said "This is the pill Daddy needs because Mommy is getting old."

Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for

He said 'Genius'

God created the first Swiss and asked him:

"What do you want?""Mountains," replied the Swiss.God created mountains for the Swiss and asked him, "What else do you want?""Cows," said the Swiss.God created cows for the Swiss. The Swiss milked the cows, tasted the milk and asked, "Will you taste, dear God?" The Swiss fill... read more

My wife asked me what I'm posting on Reddit...

I tell her that they /r/jokes.

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I am over 18

Guy gets a hotel room and asks for a hooker

A man heads to a seedy hotel to rent a room and asks the clerk where to find a prostitute.The clerk says not to worry, he'll send one to the man's room in a few minutes.The man goes to his room and sure enough, a few minutes later a prostitute knocks on his door."Hi honey, ho... read more

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.

They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

My father once asked me if I knew the difference between heaven and hell…

“In heaven” he said, “the Italians make the food and the British run the government”He then paused and said, “In hell, the British make the food and the Italians run the government”

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I am over 18

80% of the women who were asked if they fake orgasms said yes.

Actually, they said “Yes! Oh God, Yes!”

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I am over 18

(Nsfw)What must a vampire ask before he has sex?

Is it alright if I cum inside?

TIFU when my wife asked when I knew I loved her.

I said "We were in Rome, the way you knew so much about the city like it was second nature to you. But I never felt you were condescending to me when I'd ask stupid questions. I saw how much you knew, how passionate you could be. I'd been bored by all the old buildings, but you brought it all to lif... read more

My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends...

So I told her she was the only one I had been with!The others were all eights and nines.

I asked my German friend, “What’s a three letter word for compete?”

Friend: Vie.Me: Because I’m trying to finish a crossword.

A man asks god...

Man:"Why did you make women so beautiful?"God:"So you would love her."Man:"Then why did you make her so dumb?"God:"So she would love you."

My sister asked me to take off her clothes

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now take off my bra and panties." and so I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever... read more

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I am over 18

A waiter takes an order from a customer who asks for half a Caesar salad.

The waiter says "Well, we have a small and a large, would you like the small?"The customer says, "No, I don't want a small or a large. I want HALF a Caesar salad. Why is that so hard?"The waiter says "Ok.... let me go check with the chef." The waiter walks off toward the kitchen, but... read more

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I am over 18

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer

"That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.The next day, again.