The 4 Rules For Taking A Break In A Relationship - Brides

Taking a break in a relationship is a big decision. However, if you're encountering a challenge that seems insurmountable, giving yourself and your partner a bit of time apart may be the secret to bringing you two back together—or helping you realize you may be better off without each other. And while, yes, some duos ultimately decide to reconcile after taking some time away, it's critical to establish guidelines to ensure you both have the same expectations for this period of time. "It is highly dependent on how the people in the relationship approach the break and decide to maturely work on the underlying issues that have led to this particular moment," Elizabeth Overstreet, a relationship expert, says. "Taking a break away from someone you love and have been in a relationship with can elicit different responses."

In a sense, a relationship break is guaranteed to work: It reveals the go-forward plan, whether you decide to get back together or part ways for good. "Time away from the relationship may reveal that this is the path to continue moving forward and that the issues in the relationship cannot be resolved," Overstreet says. "Or, time away, if the couple goes into the break intentionally, may reveal that the relationship can be worked on and improved."

Meet the Expert

• Elizabeth Overstreet is a relationship strategist, speaker, and author.
• Liz Higgins, LMFT-S, DARTT, is part of the Millennial Life Counseling group and helps her patients navigate the anxieties around modern life and relationships.
• Gary Brown, PhD, LMFT, FAAETS, CPC, is a licensed marriage and family therapist with over 30 years in private practice working with individuals, couples, and families.

If you're curious about taking a break in a relationship and how to go about it the right way, here are seven of the most important rules to follow, according to several relationship experts.

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Make Sure You Both Understand the Purpose of the Relationship Break

Do some soul-searching to explore why you need a break in the first place. Are you feeling as though your relationship is lacking excitement? Are you hitting a new stage in your life (moving for work, going to school) that has you thinking you may not work together in the long term? Consider whether your problem is a deal-breaker (like your significant other doesn't want kids and you do). If that's the case, there's no need for a break—it's time for a break-up. "When taking a timeout, call it for yourself and not for your partner," says Liz Higgins, a couples therapist. "This decision all comes down to knowing yourself."

Have an In-Person Conversation About the Relationship Break

Since a break from your relationship involves both you and your partner, the conversation about embarking on one should, too. If possible, this discussion should take place in person. That way, you'll be able to read body-language cues that you likely wouldn't pick up on over the phone. Plus, seeing someone face to face oftentimes confirms whether or not the feelings are still there.

During such a conversation, don't hold back. "Be open and honest about why you both feel the break is needed," Overstreet says. "This will help establish the goals and expectations during the break and allow both individuals to go into it with clarity around its purpose. It takes courage and vulnerability to say what you need to say—but on the back end, you both will respect one another for putting your cards on the table versus holding back the truth."

Set Some Ground Rules

Be as clear as possible about the purpose of the break, what you hope to gain from it, and expectations about your time apart. Bring up the reason you're taking a break, how often (or if) you'll stay in touch, and whether you'll date other people during this time. If you two currently live together or share a number of important possessions, such as a car, make sure to discuss how you'll be able to effectively separate temporarily

Discuss Seeing Other People

Dating other people while you'e on a relationship break may or may not be off-limits. However, regardless of what you decide, make sure you're on the same page as your partner. "It’s important to have a conversation about whether you will start seeing other people during this break or not," says Overstreet. "It can help to manage realistic expectations and avoid confusion. If both of you agree to see other people, it’s crucial to establish clear rules and boundaries to protect one another’s emotional well-being."

However, there are some instances where the experts would advise against doing so. "If you are married and taking a break, deciding to see other people, especially if there are kids involved, can create additional complexity," says Overstreet. If your relationship break leads to a proper separation, you can discuss seeing other people then. "Closing out one relationship, if married, before entering another relationship can provide emotional, mental, physical, and financial closure and set you up to have a healthier start to your next relationship," she adds.

Define How Long the Relationship Break Will Last

You may find it helpful to set a rough timeline for when you'll speak to your parent during your break. You should work together to determine a period that feels reasonable for each of you, as this will limit any ambiguity or anxiety around your break. "It should be realistic and allow both of you to have enough time for self-reflection and to determine whether your relationship issues can be resolved," Overstreet says. "Determining a timeline for the break will ensure it doesn’t go indefinitely and help maintain a sense of direction."

When that time comes, have an honest conversation about how you're both feeling and if you have an idea about how you'd like to proceed. Remember that it's perfectly normal if you're on different wavelengths—the goal is to check in with some established regularity, not make a final decision at the same moment.

Make Your Time Apart Count

While you're on your break, take time to get to know yourself outside of a relationship. Pick up hobbies you haven't been doing as frequently or spend more time with family and friends. Note that you may feel lonely during this period—and that's normal response. "You need to ask yourself if wanting to escape feeling lonely is a sufficient reason to be with anyone—especially if it's your primary reason for being in a relationship at all," says Gary Brown, a licensed marriage and family therapist. Ultimately, if you're happier spending time alone than you were together, it's likely an indication to cut ties.

Make an Appointment With a Therapist

"If you feel the break is not helping the relationship, or you are unsure how to navigate the situation, consider seeking guidance from a couples therapist or relationship coach," Overstreet says. "Make sure you speak with someone who has experience in helping couples navigate through the intricacies you and your partner are trying to figure out. They can provide valuable insights and help you and your partner navigate the challenges that may arise during the break."

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