The California Divorce Process In Ten Steps - Cristin Lowe Law

Divorce in California can be a confusing mess of procedures, rules, forms, and legalese. It’s easy to get lost in the twists and turns of this seemingly endless process. Knowing where you are going can give you peace of mind and a greater ability to make smart decisions that are best for you and your children.

While your situation is unique, there are certain steps everyone must take in order to move through the divorce process successfully. This guide is intended to be a roadmap that will give you a preview of expectations and mistakes to avoid.

Here are 10 basic steps to the divorce process:

• Step 1: Preparing to File for Divorce
• Step 2: Filing for Divorce
• Step 3: Serving the Divorce Papers
• Step 4: Responding to the Divorce
• Step 5: Temporary Orders
• Step 6: Financial Disclosures
• Step 7: Discovery
• Step 8: Settlement
• Step 9: Trial
• Step 10: Post-Judgment Issues

Step 1: Preparing to File for Divorce

Is divorce right for me?

Deciding to divorce your spouse carries lifetime consequences. As such, it is a decision that requires serious consideration and contemplation. Here are some questions you may wish to ask yourself before deciding to file for divorce:

• Have I done everything within my abilities to repair the relationship?
• Am I really ready for a divorce, or am I reacting emotionally?
• Why do I want a divorce?
• Will a divorce solve the problems?
• Have I accepted that there will be consequences to my decision to divorce?
• Can I handle the unpleasant side effects of divorce?
• Am I willing to take on all of the responsibilities of life as a single person?

Should I meet with an attorney?

An attorney can be a very valuable tool in the preparation for divorce, and consulting with one provides an opportunity for you to understand your rights and obligations.  The decisions you make in the beginning of the process will set the tone of your case, dictate the path, and determine the ultimate outcome.  Make sure you obtain as much information as possible about the divorce process, what to expect in your divorce, and how you protect yourself.  

Should I tell my spouse I’m thinking about filing for divorce?

Blindsiding your spouse with divorce papers usually kicks off a rocky start to an already-difficult process. It’s natural to want to avoid this painful conversation and not have to witness the combination of anger, sadness, and despair on your spouse’s face when you break the news. In most cases, telling your spouse that your marriage is over is the most compassionate choice which honors the relationship you had together.

Carefully plan out the ideal time to let your spouse know.  Make sure you won’t be interrupted and the children aren’t around.  Consider the most appropriate way your spouse would want to be told the news.  Be firm but kind, and allow your spouse to grieve. Remember that you’ve had a long time to think about  your decision, and your spouse will be at a different emotional place than you.  There is nothing you can do to speed up the grieving process, so be patient and let your spouse come to terms with the divorce.

Don’t let the conversation devolve into an argument – this is not the time to blame, accuse, or revisit history.  It’s easy to be defensive or react if your spouse verbally attacks you.  Listen quietly, and don’t interrupt.  Try to practice active listening so that your spouse knows you’re hearing what is being said, and reassure them that although the marriage is over, your relationship is not.  

If you fear for you or your children’s safety, there’s a history of domestic violence, or, if you believe your spouse will inflict self-harm, seek professional help and guidance before you decide to tell your spouse about the divorce.  

What should I do before filing for divorce?

It’s always a good idea plan for your divorce. Here are some steps we recommend you take before filing:

1. Copy Important Documents.

   Find and make copies of all documents related to your assets, debts, income, and expenses: tax returns, bank account statements, retirement account statements, life insurance policies, mortgage statements, auto insurance policies, credit card statements, and paycheck stubs. It’s a great idea to make a digital copy of these documents and upload them to the cloud using a new random password-protected file. In addition to financial documents, you may want to consider copying family photographs, home videos, and other sentimental items.

2. Remove Personal Items.

   Gather up your Social Security Card, medical insurance information, birth certificate, passport, and other personal documents. You will want to move these items to a safe place. Many families mix up these personal documents, and it’s easy for them to get misplaced when one or both spouses are moving out of the family home.

3. Change Passwords.

   Protect your confidentiality by changing all of the passwords to your personal accounts. This includes passwords to your cell phone, email, computer, social media, and iCloud accounts. Make sure you select a password that your spouse cannot guess, keeping in mind that your spouse knows you better than probably anyone in the world.

4. Inventory Household Items.

   Use your phone to record a video of the contents in your home. Slowly walk through each room and describe the items as you record. Don’t forget about the items in your home safe.

5. Protect and Access Credit.

   It is critical to check your credit before you begin the divorce process. You need to know what debts exist and what your credit report looks like so that you can properly plan your financial future. If possible, you may want to open a new credit card solely in your name so that you can have access to emergency funds.

Meeting with an attorney before you file will provide additional tips and resources.

How should I tell our children about the divorce?

Your children will always remember the moment they learn that you and their other parent are getting a divorce. It’s a good idea to consult with a child therapist for ideas on how to share this information with your children in an age-appropriate manner. If possible, you and your spouse should tell the children together in order to present a sense of unity.

Remind your children that you love them, reassure them that the divorce is not their fault, and let them know it’s okay to feel sad or angry. Children need both of their parents to remain involved in their lives. Don’t force your children to pick sides, don’t involve them in your conflicts, and don’t use them as messengers. Allow them to be happy with the other parent.

Your children are half you and half the other parent. Every time you criticize or insult the other parent, you are criticizing and insulting your children. Don’t let your anger towards the other parent outweigh your love for your children.

Make sure you and your spouse provide consistency and stability through your actions. Children will often ask the same questions to both parents, and it can be confusing when they received mixed messages and conflicting information. Communicate regularly with the other parent and make sure you remain a united front.

For more information, please watch our video Divorce with Children.