The Introvert's Complete Guide To Making Friends Who 'Get' You

Introverts don’t need a huge social circle. We just need a few friends who understand our introversion and want to go deep.

Finding your people is hard — period. But it can feel even harder when you’re a solitude-loving introvert. You might want more friends, but where do you meet them? And how do you start a conversation with a random stranger? Plus, most nights, introverts would rather stay home and relax than go out and socialize. Even when we enjoy ourselves, people can still be draining.

It’s not that introverts dislike people. We just have limited social energy because of the way our brains are wired. In her book Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength, Laurie Helgoe compares extroverts to hotels and introverts to luxury suites: Extroverts can host a large number of guests who come and go, while for introverts, bookings are limited — and more selective.

So we’re looking for friends who really get us. The ultra-chatty extrovert who parties every weekend probably isn’t going to be our BFF. We’re looking for people who understand our introversion, who can go deep, and who move at our pace.

If you’re an introvert who struggles to build the meaningful friendships you crave (and who doesn’t?), here are nine tips.

How Introverts Can Make Friends Who Understand Them

1. Think about the people you already know.

Want to add some new faces to your inner circle? You don’t necessarily have to head to a party or networking event. Chances are, there are already people in your life you’d like to get to know better — someone interesting, someone like-minded. So start by taking inventory of your acquaintances: that new person at work, a friendly neighbor, someone in your writers’ group whose work you admire.

Identify one or two of these people to reach out to.

Which brings me to the next step…

2. Go ahead, make the first move.

Many introverts (myself included!) wait for others to come to them. Having survived our share of awkward interactions, we may worry about rejection. “What if I ask her to get coffee and she says no?” Or worse, “What if he gets to know me better and doesn’t like who I am?” The process of making new friends can fill anyone with self-doubt — even the most confident among us. And if you’re an introvert who’s experienced significant rejection (as many of us have), you might feel like giving up altogether.

In college, I learned a hard lesson about waiting for people to come to me. Back home, I felt comfortable with my childhood friends — people I’d known for most of my life. But when I went away to college, I suddenly found myself in a sea of unfamiliar faces — alone and lonely. I looked around and wondered how everyone else had become friends so quickly. It felt like they were all reading from some Friendship Instruction Manual that I didn’t have.

Looking back, I realized I often don’t even think to make the first move. It just doesn’t come naturally to me as an introvert. Observation and contemplation are my sweet spots, and I’m usually content doing my own thing.

But I learned that friendships don’t usually “just happen” — unless an extrovert adopts me (and that’s not the goal here; we’re trying to make like-minded friends). If I wanted meaningful new connections in my life, I’d have to take action, even if it meant stepping outside my comfort zone now and then.

3. Give a glimpse of your inner world.

When meeting new people, you might feel like you have to appeal to everyone, like it’s your job to get every new person to like you. This is especially true for sensitive and empathetic introverts, who tend to read others well. But here’s where things can go wrong: It’s like walking up an escalator that’s moving down — a lot of effort that doesn’t actually get you where you want to go. And it’s exhausting.

Molly Owens of Truity explains it well:

“Too often you show only those parts of yourself that you think the other person wants to see, so that person will like you. Keeping up this facade is exhausting. Chances are, it will make you question why you are in a friendship in the first place, when it is clearly burning up all your energy.”

So when you find someone you want to connect with, be brave and show them who you really are. Offer glimpses into your rich inner world. This is called healthy vulnerability, and it might sound like:

• “I don’t know about you, but I’m not a fan of big parties.”
• “Small talk is the worst.”
• “I get really anxious when I’m on video calls.”
• “I really appreciate the way you support me.”
• “I’m really struggling with ____. Can I vent to you for a second?”
• “Can I be honest? I’m feeling really awkward right now.”
• “I like you.”

When you open up like this, you make yourself vulnerable, and that’s how true intimacy begins.

4. Ask questions.

Inevitably, when we meet new people, we have to do what many introverts dread: talk about ourselves. Often, that alone is enough to stop a blossoming friendship in its tracks.

But here’s the good news — the conversation doesn’t have to be all about you. Introverts have a superpower: listening. So get the other person talking by asking thoughtful questions like:

• “What’s new in your life?”
• “What’s something you’ve learned recently?”
• “If you could have any career you wanted, what would it be — and why?”

Listening takes the spotlight off you, and a lot of people love to talk about their favorite subject: themselves.

5. Pay attention to how the friendship makes you feel.

How a friendship makes you feel is the most important factor — not how alike you two are on the surface, or what others think. Sometimes introverts have to be intentional about checking in with their emotions, since it’s easy to get lost in all the other activity going on in our busy minds. So ask yourself:

• Do I feel better after spending time with this person? (Or am I so exhausted I want to lock my bedroom door and recharge for days?)
• Can I be myself around this person?
• Can I trust them? (Or do I feel like I have to constantly monitor what I say and do?)
• Does this person treat me with respect? Do they support me?

As an introvert, it’s normal to feel tired after spending time with people. After all, socializing takes energy. But there’s a difference between the usual post-social fatigue and feeling drained because someone is especially taxing to be around. Overall, your friendships should leave you feeling good.

Unfortunately, that’s not always the case. In Introverts in the Church, Adam S. McHugh explains:

“Because introverts are typically good listeners and, at least, have the appearance of calmness, we are attractive to emotionally needy people. Introverts, gratified that other people are initiating with them, can easily get caught in these exhausting and unsatisfying relationships.”

If someone is a total drain to be around, give yourself permission to step back. The last thing you need is another source of exhaustion. And when you let go of relationships that aren’t right for you, you make room for ones that are.

6. Gauge their level of interest.

If you’ve ever wondered whether someone actually likes you, you’re not alone. Introverts (and plenty of extroverts, too) often struggle to tell if someone is genuinely interested or just being polite. Here are a few signs the other person enjoys your company and may be open to a real friendship:

• Do they ask personal questions, as if they genuinely want to get to know you better?
• Does the conversation ever move beyond small talk?
• Do they give you their full attention or are they frequently distracted by their phone?
• Have they shared their contact info or made an effort to plan a time to hang out?

If you answered no to most of these, this person might not be the best friendship candidate, and that’s okay. Try not to take it personally (easier said than done, I know). There are many reasons someone might not be a good fit, and most of them have nothing to do with you.

7. The awkwardness will fade with time.

We all do it, but introverts tend to do it even more: We keep our best stuff inside. Our quirky, fun, unique personalities don’t come out until we feel truly comfortable around someone. So if things feel a little awkward at first with a new friend, don’t beat yourself up. That’s completely normal.

The more time you spend together, the more relaxed you’ll feel — and the more your true self will naturally shine through.

8. Get into a friendship routine.

Many introverts thrive on routine, and that can apply to friendships, too. Try setting up a regular time to hang out with someone you’re getting to know. Maybe it’s brunch every Saturday morning, or a weekly coffee walk in the park after work on Tuesdays.

When we know what to expect, we feel more at ease — and we use less energy figuring things out. Plus, it takes the pressure off having to plan something new and exciting every time. A consistent routine creates space for the friendship to grow, naturally.

9. Go slow.

Owens explains, “Genuine friendships take a long time to develop. If you bow to convention and start collecting groupies, you will end up with a bunch of shallow, unsatisfying relationships that collapse because they never had a solid foundation.”

So take your time and be kind to yourself. Building meaningful, lasting connections doesn’t happen overnight. But when you go slow and stay true to who you are, you create space for the kind of friendships that really matter.

What are your tips for making friends? Share them in the comments below — I’d love to hear them.

You might like:

• How Introverts Can Make More High-Quality Friendships
• The Science Behind Why Socializing Drains Introverts
• 27 ‘Strange’ Things Highly Sensitive People Do