The Real Reasons Why Breakups Hurt So Much, According To Science

Anyone who’s ever been in love knows that breaking up is excruciatingly painful, especially if ending things wasn’t your decision. Pain courses through your entire body, and your heart feels like it’s on fire and ice-cold at the same time. Maybe you can’t stop crying, or maybe you’re so depressed you find it hard to get out of bed and motivate yourself to do anything at all. You’re consumed with an overwhelming, constant feeling of intense loss and longing, and you just can’t stop thinking about the person that’s gone. If the condition gets bad enough, it’s even possible to die of a broken heart.

And one of the things that makes the whole process harder is the fact that we tend to feel guilty, angry, or embarrassed about how terrible we feel. “Why can’t I just get over this?” you think to yourself. “If they don’t want you, then you shouldn’t want them,” your friends say. But the brain doesn’t work that way.

The good news is that science is on your side here, as there are a variety of research-based reasons for why breaks hurt as much as they do. You can check them out below, and if you’re going through a breakup yourself, try listening to this music playlist that scientists curated to heal a broken heart.

1 It’s Like a Death

One of the other interesting findings from the Fisher brain scan study was that there was increased activity in the caudate nucleus, a region associated with reward detection and expectation, as well as the ventral tegmental area—the brain’s reward circuit.

When you’re with your lover, your brain’s reward system is constantly being satisfied. But when you’re no longer seeing the person, your neurons are still expecting that reward. Even though you know you’re not going to get it anymore, it takes a little while for your brain to catch up.

4 You Can’t See Clearly

A growing body of research seems to suggest that we make too much of a cultural distinction between physical pain and emotional pain. For example, a recent study found that the emotional relief that you experience when holding hands with a loved one can actually alleviate physical pain.

Unfortunately, the opposite is also true. In a 2011 study, participants were shown photos of their exes and found the images stimulated the same exact parts of the brain that are associated with physical pain. According to the paper, the results indicate that “rejection and physical pain are similar not only in that they are both distressing—they share a common somatosensory representation as well.” That’s why some studies have even shown that popping Tylenol can be somewhat effective in dealing with a breakup.

6 The Parasympathetic Nervous System Is Activated