What Did The Fish Say When He Ran Into The Wall? - The Oatmeal

What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?

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Dam.

What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink?

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WATAAAAARR!

Why did the cowboy adopt a weiner dog?

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He wanted to get a long little doggy!

What did 0 say to 8?

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Nice belt!

What is a shark's favorite illegal substance?

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Reefer!

What do you do with a sick boat?

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TAKE IT TO THE DOC!

Why did the pirate go to the Caribbean?

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He wanted some arr and arr.

What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?

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BYE-SON!

What do clouds wear under their shorts?

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THUNDERPANTS

What does a vegan zombie eat?

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Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!

Why is there no gambling in Africa?

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Too many Cheetahs!

A drum and a cymbal fall off a cliff...

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What's it called when you lend money to a bison?

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A BUFFA-LOAN!

What do you call a pony's cough?

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A LITTLE HOARSE!

Why didn't the melons get married?

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Because they cantaloupe!

What is the definition of a good farmer?

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A MAN OUTSTANDING IN HIS FIELD!

Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?

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BECAUSE IT'S POINTLESS!

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

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IT WAS IN TENTS

What did the grape say after the elephant sat on it?

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Nothing, it just let out a little whine!

Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure?

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Because he was a little shellfish.

Have you heard the one about the Corduroy pillow?

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It's making HEADLINES!

A neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender says, "for you? no charge."

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What did one snowman say to the other?

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Do you smell carrots?

What do you call a nosy pepper?

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JALAPENO BUSINESS!

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?

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Bob

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

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PUMPKIN PI

What do you call a pig that does karate?

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A PORK CHOP

What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?

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HE GOT A LITTLE BEHIND IN HIS WORK

What do you get when you cross a tyrannosaurus rex with fireworks?

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DINO-MITE!

What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked into his office?

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I can clearly see you're nuts!

What did the baby say to its mother after breastfeeding?

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Thanks for the mammaries!

Why was the sand wet?

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Because the sea weed!

How do you fix a broken tuba?

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With a tuba glue!

What do you call it when a dinosaur crashes his car?

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Tyrannosaurus Wrecks

What do you call a deer with no eye?

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NO IDEAR!

How does a lion like his meat?

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ROAR

Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?

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Because of his coffin.

What kind of flower is on your face?

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Tulips!

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

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Roberto

What kind of horses go out after dusk?

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Nightmares!

Why did the rapper carry an umbrella?

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Fo' drizzle.

Who does a pharaoh talk to when he's sad?

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His mummy.

What did the elder chimney say to the younger chimney?

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You're too young to smoke!

Why do milking stools only have three legs?

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'Cause the cow's got the udder!

What did the big bucket say to the little bucket?

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You look a little pail!

What's the best way to carve wood?

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Whittle by whittle.

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?

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Both crews were marooned.

What does a ghost wear when it's raining outside?

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Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooots!

What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield?

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Its butt

what did one hat say to another?

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You stay here, I'll go on a head!

What do you call a guy who never farts in public?

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A PRIVATE TUTOR!

What kind of guns do bees use?

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BeeBee guns

What did the monkey say when he caught his tail in the revolving door?

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It won't be long now

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

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Make me one with everything!

Why did the elephants get kicked out of the public pool?

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THEY KEPT DROPPING THEIR TRUNKS!

What do you call it when you feed a stick of dynamite to a steer?

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Abominable! (say it out loud, slowly)

What did one shark say to the other while eating a clownfish?

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This tastes funny.

There’s two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says ‘You man the guns, I’ll drive’

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What was T-Rex's favorite number?

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Ate!

A cannibal went for a walk and he passed his brother.

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What do cats eat for breakfast?

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Mice Krispies!

What do you call a fish with no eye?

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Fssshh

What was Beethoven's favorite fruit?

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BANANANAAAAAA!

What game would you play with a wombat?

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Wom.

Why did the cookie cry?

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Because his mother was a wafer so long!

A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way.

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What did the ghost say to the bee?

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BOO-BEE

How does the man in the moon cut his hair?

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ECLIPSE IT!

What is invisible and smells like carrots?

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Rabbit farts

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs playing in the leaves?

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Russell.

What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he lost his job?

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OH SNAP

What type of music do mummies listen to?

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WRAP MUSIC!

Why did Simba's father die?

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Because he couldn't Mufasa!

Why don't blind people go skydiving?

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Because it scares the bejesus out of the dogs!

Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?

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THE OUTSIDE!

Where does George Washington keep his armies?

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In his sleevies

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

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Polaroids

Why did the police officer smell?

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Because he was on duty.

What happens to Pastors who eat chili dogs?

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They have to sit in their own pew.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

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A gummy bear.

what do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?

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A SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE!

Guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under arm. Says to the bartender: "I’ll take a beer, and one for the road."

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