What Did The Fish Say When He Ran Into The Wall? - The Oatmeal

What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?

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Dam.

Why was the sand wet?

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Because the sea weed!

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs playing in the leaves?

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Russell.

Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?

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BECAUSE IT'S POINTLESS!

What kind of guns do bees use?

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BeeBee guns

Why didn't the melons get married?

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Because they cantaloupe!

Why did the police officer smell?

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Because he was on duty.

There’s two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says ‘You man the guns, I’ll drive’

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Why did Simba's father die?

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Because he couldn't Mufasa!

What did the baby say to its mother after breastfeeding?

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Thanks for the mammaries!

Why did the man dump ground beef on his head?

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He wanted a meatier shower!

Where does George Washington keep his armies?

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In his sleevies

What did the ghost say to the bee?

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BOO-BEE

What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?

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BYE-SON!

What is a shark's favorite illegal substance?

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Reefer!

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?

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He felt his presents!

Why is there no gambling in Africa?

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Too many Cheetahs!

What is invisible and smells like carrots?

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Rabbit farts

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

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A gummy bear.

A cannibal went for a walk and he passed his brother.

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Why did the cookie cry?

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Because his mother was a wafer so long!

what do you do with epileptic lettuce?

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You make a seizure salad!

Who does a pharaoh talk to when he's sad?

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His mummy.

Why did the skeleton go to the party alone?

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He had no body to go with him!

Why are all the frogs around here dead?

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'Cause they keep croaking!

What game would you play with a wombat?

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Wom.

How does Hitler tie his shoes?

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with little Nazis!

What is the definition of a good farmer?

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A MAN OUTSTANDING IN HIS FIELD!

what do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?

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A SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE!

Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?

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Because it's a little meteor.

What does a ghost wear when it's raining outside?

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Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooots!

What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he lost his job?

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OH SNAP

How does a lion like his meat?

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ROAR

What did one snowman say to the other?

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Do you smell carrots?

What did the big bucket say to the little bucket?

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You look a little pail!

How much does a pirate pay for corn?

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A buccaneer!

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the softball team?

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Because she ran away from the ball!

Guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under arm. Says to the bartender: "I’ll take a beer, and one for the road."

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Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

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IT WAS IN TENTS

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?

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Bob

Why did the rapper carry an umbrella?

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Fo' drizzle.

What do clouds wear under their shorts?

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THUNDERPANTS

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

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Roberto

What do you call a pig that does karate?

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A PORK CHOP

Why did the pirate go to the Caribbean?

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He wanted some arr and arr.

What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day?

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A FRISBEE!

Have you heard the one about the Corduroy pillow?

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It's making HEADLINES!

A neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender says, "for you? no charge."

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