What Did The Grape Say After The Elephant Sat On It? - The Oatmeal

What did the grape say after the elephant sat on it?

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Nothing, it just let out a little whine!

Why is there no gambling in Africa?

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Too many Cheetahs!

A man didn't like his haircut, but it started to grow on him.

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Why did the skeleton go to the party alone?

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He had no body to go with him!

What did the policeman say to his tummy?

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I've got you under a vest!

Have you heard the one about the Corduroy pillow?

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It's making HEADLINES!

What does a vegan zombie eat?

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Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!

A drum and a cymbal fall off a cliff...

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What did the elder chimney say to the younger chimney?

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You're too young to smoke!

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

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PUMPKIN PI

What do you call a fish with no eye?

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Fssshh

Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure?

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Because he was a little shellfish.

Why don't blind people go skydiving?

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Because it scares the bejesus out of the dogs!

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

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Make me one with everything!

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

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A gummy bear.

There’s two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says ‘You man the guns, I’ll drive’

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What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he lost his job?

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OH SNAP

A cannibal went for a walk and he passed his brother.

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How does Hitler tie his shoes?

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with little Nazis!

What did one shark say to the other while eating a clownfish?

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This tastes funny.

Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?

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Because of his coffin.

What is a shark's favorite illegal substance?

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Reefer!

What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink?

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WATAAAAARR!

What kind of guns do bees use?

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BeeBee guns

A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way.

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What do you call it when you feed a stick of dynamite to a steer?

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Abominable! (say it out loud, slowly)

What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

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Wipes his butt.

How does an octopus go to war?

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WELL-ARMED

What kind of music do chiropractors listen to?

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HIP-POP!

Why did the pirate go to the Caribbean?

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He wanted some arr and arr.

Why do milking stools only have three legs?

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'Cause the cow's got the udder!

What kind of flower is on your face?

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Tulips!

What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?

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HE GOT A LITTLE BEHIND IN HIS WORK

What did the monkey say when he caught his tail in the revolving door?

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It won't be long now

Where does George Washington keep his armies?

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In his sleevies

What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?

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BYE-SON!

What do you do when you see a spaceman?

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PARK YOUR CAR, MAN

Who does a pharaoh talk to when he's sad?

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His mummy.

What did the baby say to its mother after breastfeeding?

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Thanks for the mammaries!

Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

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Because he felt crummy.

What did one snowman say to the other?

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Do you smell carrots?

What is invisible and smells like carrots?

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Rabbit farts

Why did the rapper carry an umbrella?

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Fo' drizzle.

What kind of horses go out after dusk?

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Nightmares!

What do you get when you cross a tyrannosaurus rex with fireworks?

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DINO-MITE!

What do you get when you cross a sheep and a bee?

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A bah-humbug.

What do you call a deer with no eye?

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NO IDEAR!

What's the best way to carve wood?

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Whittle by whittle.

What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day?

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A FRISBEE!

What is the definition of a good farmer?

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A MAN OUTSTANDING IN HIS FIELD!

What washes up on tiny beaches?

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MICROWAVES!

How do you fix a broken tuba?

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With a tuba glue!

What was Beethoven's favorite fruit?

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BANANANAAAAAA!

What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?

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Dam.

A neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender says, "for you? no charge."

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