What Did The Grape Say After The Elephant Sat On It? - The Oatmeal

What did the grape say after the elephant sat on it?

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Nothing, it just let out a little whine!

What do you call a man with no arms or legs who gets into a fight with his cat?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Claude

Why is there no gambling in Africa?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Too many Cheetahs!

What's it called when you lend money to a bison?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

A BUFFA-LOAN!

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the softball team?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Because she ran away from the ball!

What's brown and sticky?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

A stick.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Bob

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Polaroids

What do you call it when you feed a stick of dynamite to a steer?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Abominable! (say it out loud, slowly)

How does Hitler tie his shoes?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

with little Nazis!

Did you hear about the Hyena who drank a pint of gravy?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

He was a laughing stock!

What do you call a pony's cough?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

A LITTLE HOARSE!

Why did the police officer smell?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Because he was on duty.

Why are all the frogs around here dead?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

'Cause they keep croaking!

What did the Island Gobbling Sea Monster say?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

These islands aren’t Philippine me up. I need Samoa Tahiti!

How does the man in the moon cut his hair?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

ECLIPSE IT!

What did the cobbler say when a cat wandered into his shop?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Shoe!

What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Wipes his butt.

Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Because he felt crummy.

What did the traffic light say to the car?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Don't look, I'm changing.

What kind of guns do bees use?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

BeeBee guns

What did the elder chimney say to the younger chimney?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

You're too young to smoke!

Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Because he was a little shellfish.

What did the big bucket say to the little bucket?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

You look a little pail!

What kind of flower is on your face?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Tulips!

What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked into his office?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

I can clearly see you're nuts!

What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

WATAAAAARR!

Why did the man dump ground beef on his head?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

He wanted a meatier shower!

What did the baby say to its mother after breastfeeding?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Thanks for the mammaries!

What do you do when you see a spaceman?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

PARK YOUR CAR, MAN

There’s two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says ‘You man the guns, I’ll drive’

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

What do clouds wear under their shorts?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

THUNDERPANTS

What is invisible and smells like carrots?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Rabbit farts

What game would you play with a wombat?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Wom.

Who does a pharaoh talk to when he's sad?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

His mummy.

How much does a pirate pay for corn?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

A buccaneer!

What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

BYE-SON!

What is a shark's favorite illegal substance?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Reefer!

What do calendars eat?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

DATES!

What kind of horses go out after dusk?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Nightmares!

How do you fix a broken tuba?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

With a tuba glue!

What did the policeman say to his tummy?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

I've got you under a vest!

Why did the cookie cry?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Because his mother was a wafer so long!

What do you get when you cross a tyrannosaurus rex with fireworks?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

DINO-MITE!

What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Its butt

What type of music do mummies listen to?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

WRAP MUSIC!

Why didn't the melons get married?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Because they cantaloupe!

What did the monkey say when he caught his tail in the revolving door?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

It won't be long now

What do you call a guy who never farts in public?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

A PRIVATE TUTOR!

Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Because of his coffin.

What do you get when you cross a sheep and a bee?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

A bah-humbug.

Why was the sand wet?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Because the sea weed!

A cannibal went for a walk and he passed his brother.

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

what do you do with epileptic lettuce?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

You make a seizure salad!

Why do milking stools only have three legs?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

'Cause the cow's got the udder!

What do you call a nosy pepper?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

JALAPENO BUSINESS!

What is the definition of a good farmer?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

A MAN OUTSTANDING IN HIS FIELD!

What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Dam.

What do sharks say when something radical happens?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

JAWESOME

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

A gummy bear.

What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

HE GOT A LITTLE BEHIND IN HIS WORK

A drum and a cymbal fall off a cliff...

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Why did Simba's father die?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Because he couldn't Mufasa!

what do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

A SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE!

Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Because it's a little meteor.

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

PUMPKIN PI

Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

THE OUTSIDE!

What do you call a deer with no eye?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

NO IDEAR!

Why did the skeleton go to the party alone?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

He had no body to go with him!

A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way.

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

What do cats eat for breakfast?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Mice Krispies!

Guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under arm. Says to the bartender: "I’ll take a beer, and one for the road."

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

A FRISBEE!

What did the ghost say to the bee?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

BOO-BEE

Why did the elephants get kicked out of the public pool?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

THEY KEPT DROPPING THEIR TRUNKS!

What does a vegan zombie eat?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!

Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

BECAUSE IT'S POINTLESS!

What's the best way to carve wood?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Whittle by whittle.

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

IT WAS IN TENTS

What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he lost his job?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

OH SNAP

A baby seal walks into a club...

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Why did the pirate go to the Caribbean?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

He wanted some arr and arr.

What kind of music do chiropractors listen to?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

HIP-POP!

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs playing in the leaves?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Russell.

What was Beethoven's favorite fruit?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

BANANANAAAAAA!

How does a lion like his meat?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

ROAR

What happens to Pastors who eat chili dogs?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

They have to sit in their own pew.

What did 0 say to 8?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Nice belt!

Why don't blind people go skydiving?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Because it scares the bejesus out of the dogs!

How does an octopus go to war?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

WELL-ARMED

What do you do with a sick boat?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

TAKE IT TO THE DOC!

What was T-Rex's favorite number?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Ate!

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Roberto

What does a ghost wear when it's raining outside?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooots!

A man didn't like his haircut, but it started to grow on him.

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

What do you call a pig that does karate?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

A PORK CHOP

What do you call a fish with no eye?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

Fssshh

What washes up on tiny beaches?

Joke Permalink

Tweet This Joke

Click here for the answer

MICROWAVES!

Two atoms are walking down the street together. The first atom turns and says, "Hey, you just stole an electron from me!" "Are you sure?" asks the second atom. To which the first atom replies, "Yeah, I'm positive!"

Joke Permalink