What Is Gaslighting? 20 Techniques To Stop Emotional Abuse

What Is Gaslighting? A Psychologist Explains

Gaslighting is a malicious power tactic in which “the gaslighter tries (consciously or not) to induce in someone the sense that her reactions, perceptions, memories, and beliefs are not just mistaken, but utterly without grounds—paradigmatically, so unfounded as to qualify as crazy” (Abramson, 2014, p. 2).

In the famous film Gaslight, this phenomenon is portrayed by a couple played by Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer. Boyer plays the role of the gaslighter as he manipulates his wife’s reality through a series of deceptive acts (e.g., hiding precious jewels, accusing her of stealing them, and then secretly placing them in her purse).

One of his most notable strategies is to dim and brighten the gaslights while telling his wife the change in light is all in her head. Boyer also isolates his wife by warning friends of her mental instability. Boyer’s gaslighting tactics go on over a period of time, until his wife becomes increasingly confused to the point of feeling insane.

Gaslighting is a control tactic that leaves its victim in a fog of altered reality in which they question their own perceptions and memories. By creating chaos, gaslighters hold all the power in the relationship as their victims become increasingly oppressed. They often use triangulation, which involves speaking through other people rather than directly, and splitting, which involves driving a wedge between people (Sarkis, 2018).

Manipulative gaslighting is further described as an act of sidestepping evidence supporting the victim’s testimony and labeling the victim as psychologically or cognitively impaired (Stark, 2019).

To this end, gaslighters typically use statements such as “You’re too sensitive”; “You’re nuts”; “Lighten up”; “You need help”; and “I was only kidding.”

Gaslighting techniques are often grounded in social inequalities in which stereotypes are employed as a way to attack specific vulnerabilities (Sweet, 2019). For example, a gaslighting husband might criticize his wife for being too emotional when she becomes upset by his manipulations and too weak to handle his gender-focused jokes.

While there is some disagreement as to whether gaslighting abuse is more common among males, gaslighting practices are frequently reported among men and women.

Emotional Abuse Example

Domestic violence provides an ideal case study for gaslighting, as it is a common way for abusers to isolate victims while limiting their ability to seek help (Sweet, 2019). The following vignette describes gaslighting within a domestic violence context.

Chuck and Maria began dating after high school. Maria was immediately smitten with Chuck, who was funny and charming – often the life of the party. When Maria become pregnant, Chuck reluctantly agreed to get married.

As a South American immigrant, Maria found herself confused about language – often unable to translate some of Chuck’s nasty comments, like when he referred to her as a ‘conniving gold digger.’ Chuck frequently made biting comments toward Maria but generally dismissed them as jokes.

As Maria’s pregnancy became more evident, Chuck’s resentment of her grew. Maria’s pregnancy was not an easy one; she was always tired and suffered from terrible nausea. Whenever Chuck found Maria resting, he referred to her as ‘weak’ and ‘pathetic.’ He also made racist comments, saying, ‘You’re lazy, just like the rest of you people.’

However, at other times, Chuck seemed happy about the new baby and even doted on Maria, which left her thoroughly confused. Once the baby was born, Chuck was annoyed by the constant crying and blamed Maria, saying she had ‘no mothering instincts whatsoever.’ He frequently referred to her as ‘ignorant’ and ‘too mentally unbalanced’ to even care for a tiny baby.

The colicky baby, combined with Chuck’s berating, left Maria feeling increasingly on edge, often apologizing to Chuck when the baby cried. During the first year of the baby’s life, Chuck’s behavior alternated between calm and detached, and angry and aggressive.

Maria never knew which version of Chuck she would be getting, adding to her intense anxiety. Chuck could see that Maria was nervous and told her she was a ‘nut job’ and needed to buck up. 

Telling her she was too much of a lunatic to handle money, Chuck began limiting Maria’s access to it. When Maria’s family or friends wanted to visit, Chuck told them that Maria’s behavior was mentally unstable and that it was best to let her rest. When they called, he never gave Maria the phone or allowed them to leave a message.

Sometimes Chuck pushed Maria or squeezed his hand tightly around her throat. Occasionally, he would make meager attempts at apologies for his violent behavior, such as ‘I’m sorry you made me do that.’

Chuck repeatedly told Maria that she was an unfit mother and that he would be calling Child Protective Services or even the immigration office if she didn’t get it together. Maria was terrified of being sent back to her country of origin, where she had escaped extreme poverty and violence. And the thought of losing her baby in a custody battle was more than Maria could handle.

After a year of marriage, Maria had become socially isolated and dependent on Chuck for everything. She generally felt stupid and inadequate, wondering what was wrong with her. Lonely, depressed, and anxious, Maria found herself in a haze of confusion – unable to recognize the confident, outgoing, and joyful person she once was.