What To Do After No Contact When Your Ex Contacts You?

Updated on July 31, 2025

Before we talk about what to do after no contact when your ex contacts you, we need to clarify something. There is no such thing as “after no contact.” As long as you want your ex back, there’s only no contact. You must continue to do no contact and allow yourself to heal. You must stay in indefinite no contact and give your ex additional space and time to remember your positive traits and realize your worth.

If you end the no contact rule after a certain number of days, usually 30, or start contacting your ex when your ex reaches out to check up on you, you end the no contact rule prematurely and settle, or try to settle for friendship. This makes you look extremely eager to reconnect and be with your ex.

Your ex, in turn, feels overwhelmed and loses attraction or perhaps even respect for you. This is especially true if you start sending nostalgic texts and trying to convince your ex to come back and invest.

As a dumpee, you mustn’t think that no contact is limited to certain days or your ex’s first text (breach of no contact). No contact ends only when your ex reaches out to apologize and  get back together, or when you move on and become okay with friendship or any response from your ex, even a negative one. That’s when you can communicate with your ex again and see whether your ex wants friendship, occasional communication, or something else.

Don’t think you can reason with your ex just because your ex said “hi.” A simple greeting and a short conversation don’t indicate that your ex has processed the breakup completely and fallen back in love. You may badly want that to be the case, but your ex is probably just breadcrumbing you (contacting you to receive information, support, or forgiveness.

It’s hard to understand the dumper’s intentions when your ex doesn’t express them clearly and makes you anxious, but it’s unlikely that your ex has discovered your romantic value and wants you back. If your ex wanted you back, your ex would have initiated the reconciliation process.

This means your ex would have contacted you, apologized, expressed feelings and regrets, and invited you out or proposed getting back together. Under no circumstance would your ex have treated the reach-out as just a friendly conversation and completely avoided the topic of getting back together. Even the most passively regretful dumpers contact the dumpee, appear anxious and sad, and bring up reconciliation. They’re in pain and fear staying broken up (unhappy), so they do everything in their power to reconnect with the person who can ease their suffering.

So if your breakup wounds are still fresh and your ex showed no interest in getting back together, start by learning about the rules of no contact and the typical breakup mistakes you should avoid for your own good. These things will prevent you from assuming you need to take the initiative with your ex after 30, 45, 60, or 90 days of no contact and try to change the outcome.

They’ll prevent you from thinking you must impress your ex and make your ex want to be with you.

As a dumpee, remember that it’s not your responsibility to get on your ex’s good side. Your only job is to stay quiet and let the power of silence after the breakup do its magic. Silence will slowly heal your wounds, rebuild your confidence and self-esteem, and return your zest for life.

Of course, there’s no guarantee that your ex will want you back if you leave your ex alone and focus entirely on yourself. But what is certain is that your ex won’t find you attractive and want you back if you pester him or her with unsolicited texts and calls.

Your ex will find you annoying and incapable of moving on without him/her.

Every time you start a conversation with your ex on your terms and talk about things your ex couldn’t care less about, you smother your ex and show your ex you can’t live without him or her. That kind of desperation further decreases your ex’s interest in you and respect for you, and makes your ex do something that rejects you and prevents you from loving yourself.

Something like ignoring you, getting angry, acting cold, or cutting the conversation short and showing no interest in being with you.

So if you want to know what to do after no contact when your ex finally reaches out (not when you reach out), I strongly encourage you to observe your ex and see what your ex wants.

If your ex just wants to catch up and leave the conversation afterwards, your ex just wants to know how you’re coping with the breakup and if you have any hard feelings or regrets. Your ex might try to friendzone you and keep you in his or her life for selfish reasons.

But if your ex appears nervous and asks you out (or wants to ask you out), then your ex is likely in the regret stage of a breakup and wants to reconcile with you as soon as possible. The longer your ex stays away from you, the more hurt your ex gets and the more he or she understands the value you add to his or her life as a romantic partner.

When the dumper regrets breaking up with the dumpee, the dumper lets the dumpee know that. He or she verbally expresses regret or expresses regret in non-verbal ways. The dumper feels hurt and is in a hurry to reconnect with the person he or she loves.

In today’s post, we answer the question: What should you do after no contact when your ex messages you?

We also explain how to understand what your ex wants and how to respond appropriately.

What to do after no contact?

After no contact, you only have two options to choose from.

You can either talk to your ex and hope your ex has realized or soon realizes your romantic value, or go back to no contact and wait in it until your ex wants you back or you’re ready to be friends. What you should do after no contact depends on your detachment and your ex’s intentions.

If your ex wants you back, you can immediately discuss the lessons of the breakup and the terms and conditions of the new relationship. This includes everything your ex has learned since the breakup and what you expect from your ex to make the relationship work. If your ex truly regrets breaking up with you, your ex will happily oblige. He or she will begin working on him/herself and make the necessary changes.

Your ex won’t have much ego because pain, regret, and fear of breaking up and losing your love and support will remind your ex that you add a lot of value to his or her life. Your ex won’t risk losing the benefits you contribute to the relationship, so your ex will be more than happy to let you take charge and do what it takes to earn your trust and respect back.

If your ex doesn’t want you back, however, then you don’t have a choice but to go back to no contact. You must cut your ex off immediately and remember that your ex can’t make you happy as a friend. Friendship is dangerous for you as it hinders your detachment, self-love, and purpose outside of the relationship.

Talking to your ex as just a friend will overwhelm your anxious mind and make you wonder if your ex still has some love left for you. Such thoughts will disorientate you and destroy the progress you’ve made in no contact.

All the progress you’ve made will go to waste, as your ex will pull you back to the start of the breakup and make you relive the pain.

That’s why you must keep your ex at a safe distance until you’re certain your ex wants you back. You need to protect your wounded heart and remember that an ex who breadcrumbs you doesn’t know or care how you feel. Your ex just wants something from you. Whatever it is, it doesn’t interest you now that you’re putting yourself first and recovering emotionally.

Life’s too short to worry about the dumper and entertain his or her breadcrumbs. If the time after a breakup isn’t meant for prioritizing your health and well-being, then I don’t know when is. You must use this time to detach and figure out what went wrong. Things will start to make more sense the longer you maintain your distance and recognize your ex’s shortcomings.

Your ex may also try to be your friend or an occasional friend and guilt-trip you into settling for less than you deserve. By telling or showing you that he or she still cares about you, your ex will trigger your repressed feelings and make it difficult for you to understand whether he or she is trying to come back or is just being friendly.

If you’re not sure what your ex wants, you can always just ask your ex. Ask something like, “How come you reached out all of a sudden?” If your ex doesn’t use that opportunity to admit to wanting you back (not just missing you), your ex has no business speaking with you. He or she must be told to leave you alone and let you focus on yourself.

So forget about reeling your ex in and trying to win your ex back after no contact. Your top priority should be to figure out how your ex feels and what your ex wants. Once you’ve learned what your ex wants from you, you can then take appropriate action.

Appropriate action will allow you to minimize the amount of pain entering your system and encourage you to stay in control of your body and mind.

With that said, here are some things to do after no contact when your ex reaches out.

Ways an ex could contact you during no contact

An ex can reach out in many different ways, but from what I’ve seen, some types of reach-outs are more common than others.

The most common reachout is a simple “Hi” or “Hey, what’s up?” Dumpers prefer to use this simple approach to feel the waters. They want to first make sure that their ex respects them and wants to chat as much as they do.

When they see their ex is ready to engage in conversation, they then directly or indirectly try to get what they want or need from their ex.

If they’re looking for ways to stop feeling guilty, they don’t directly say they feel bad for hurting their ex. Most of the time, they try to make their ex feel better and appease their guilt in the process.

If they want their stuff back, they’re a bit more direct than that. They say they were hoping to get XYZ back and that it’s important to them.

And if they’re curious and want to catch up, they talk about things unrelated to the breakup.

Usually, they’re quite direct about wanting to reconcile with their ex as they’re in too much pain to stay quiet and hide their feelings. Hence, they get back with their ex soon or right after the first reach-out.

You need to know that your ex might express what he or she wants right away or converse with you for a while and only then ask for a favor. This depends on your ex’s intentions, how much time your ex has to spare, and how comfortable he or she is speaking with you.

If you’re still in no contact with your ex, I suggest that you remain vigilant for reach-outs (especially breadcrumbs) and bear in mind that your ex could contact you in ways that feel good but aren’t any good for your healing.

Your ex could break the no contact phase by saying:

• Hey
• I miss you
• How’s the dog?
• Are you seeing anyone?
• I like your pictures on FB/Tinder
• Are you busy?
• Is this a good time to talk?
• Did you pass your exams?
• I shouldn’t be reaching out, but I wanted to see how you were doing

Your ex could also send you pictures and quotes and reply to your stories. These may qualify as breaches of no contact, but they don’t imply that your ex is ready to be with you and that no contact is over. To make it simple, if your ex contacts you about anything other than reconciliation, it’s a meaningless message that doesn’t change anything for you.

It just gives you unnecessary hope, makes you obsessed, and prolongs your healing.

The only few things you should pay attention to are how your ex speaks to you, how your ex feels, and whether your ex is trying to gather the courage to invite you out/ask for another chance.

If your ex wants to date you again, you can be certain your ex will say it or show it. Your ex won’t string you along for days or weeks, like some dumpers do.

Only dumpers who desire non-romantic things and don’t want their ex back confuse their ex. Such exes mustn’t be allowed to keep reaching out over and over again. Dumpees must realize that their exes are reaching out for themselves and that entertaining them won’t give them the results they want.

It will only make them analyse their ex’s words and actions, increase their anxiety, and delay the time it takes to strengthen their self-love.

Always remember that dumpers usually reach out for themselves. They have no intention of getting back together, as their main goal is to learn what their ex is up to and how he or she is feeling. Their lack of romantic interest is obvious because they avoid talking about the relationship or the breakup.

How to talk to an ex who reached out?

Years ago, I used to think it mattered how long you waited to respond to your ex after he or she reached out. I believed that, as a dumpee, you were supposed to wait for hours before replying, as doing so would make you appear more secure and in control.

But now I see that you don’t need to wait that long. The reason for that is that if your ex is anxious and wants you back, delaying your response for hours or days won’t make a difference. It won’t make your ex love you or love you more, especially if your ex just wants to know how you’re doing.

Sure, it might make your ex check his or her phone a few times, but other than that, it won’t change the way your ex perceives you and feels about you.

Feelings can’t be manipulated simply by delaying a response. Your ex must develop them naturally through reflection and realization. That’s the only way your ex can grow respect and love for you and decide to want you back romantically.

So when your ex contacts you during or after no contact, know that a few minutes of waiting are enough for your ex to respect you. The real question is whether they’re enough for you. Can you collect your thoughts that quickly and say non-pressuring/desperate things?

If you can, feel free to respond to your ex.

Weed out unnecessary comments and jump straight to the “Why have you reached out” part. The quicker you ask your ex about his or her reasons for contacting you, the quicker you can figure out whether your ex’s reach-out is a breadcrumb or a means of getting back together.

While you’re learning about your ex’s intentions, know that you needn’t showcase all the changes and improvements. You’ll likely feel a strong need to demonstrate everything you’ve learned and accomplished as a result of the breakup, but know that your ex doesn’t care about that. If your ex has feelings and wants you back, your ex has already accepted your flaws.

Your improvements will make your future relationship better, but they don’t matter now that your ex is still your ex.

I know there’s a lot of conflicting information about what to do after no contact when your ex reaches out, but don’t do anything that shows you still want to reconcile. The dumper must see that your priorities have shifted and that you won’t beg for love.

Instead of begging, you should appear slightly disinterested in your ex and express the wish to end the conversation. If your ex has romantic feelings for you, he or she will reveal them to you before you get a chance to stop talking. I’m certain of that because your ex will fear losing you.

So forget about showcasing the new you or pretending to be someone you’re not. Not only does your ex not care, but your ex will see that you’re trying hard to impress. That will make it harder for your ex to feel love for you and invest emotionally.

I remember making the mistake of sounding too excited when I talked to my ex. It wasn’t a deal-breaker or anything, but it was unnecessary to show enthusiasm for someone who no longer had feelings for me. It took me a while to realize this, but when I did, I stopped trying to impress my ex and did what was best for my healing.

If you don’t want to converse with your ex and get strung along like I did, I encourage you to remain in control of your emotions when your ex reaches out. Do that by refusing to talk too much and act excited.

If possible, appear neutral, disinterested, and take control of the conversation.

As soon as your ex reaches out, ask your ex why he or she has reached out, and then either agree to meet up with your ex, don’t agree, or stop talking to your ex. Just don’t act like you’re super happy to hear from your ex and that you need him or her to survive.

Your ex will respect you and think about you more if you don’t chase attention and validation.

You might not hear from your ex for a while

Once your ex has texted or called, your ex might leave you alone for days, weeks, or months. I don’t have a crystal ball to predict what your ex will do or not do, but chances are your ex will bury the hatchet, relieve guilt, get comfortable, and focus on himself or herself again.

If that happens, your ex will no longer feel the need to converse with you (at least not for emotional reasons) and focus on him/herself. Your ex will probably forget about you for a while and make you wonder what the reach-out was all about.

An ex could later reach out due to curiosity or boredom. Curiosity and boredom drive dumpees to reach out, too, but for that to happen, dumpers must first deal with any lingering anger and resentment.

They must forgive their ex for making them feel hurt or uncomfortable and see the positives of reaching out.

So bear in mind that an ex who reaches out to you for the first time might not continue to stay in frequent touch with you. He or she might leave you alone for weeks, months, or perhaps even forever. It depends on whether your ex respects you, what your ex needs from you, and the lessons your ex learns without you.

If your ex is busy, dates someone else, and is happy, your ex probably won’t reflect and reach out. Your ex won’t see a reason to.

You need to keep your hopes low and remember that a single message from your ex doesn’t give you the green light to go back into full contact. You still need to protect your wounded heart and let your ex put in the effort.

“The effort” includes initiating contact, apologizing, promising meaningful changes, and showing you through actions that things will be different this time around.

Things to do after no contact

If you’re trying to learn what to do after no contact, first and foremost, start no contact again.

By going no contact, you’ll avoid pressuring your ex, protect your image, and let your ex continue to self-prioritize. It’s important not to act on fear and pain and try to make your ex come back by force. Your ex must come back on his or her own – when life gets difficult and triggers a powerful reflection.

No contact can help with that, as it can encourage your ex to reflect and redevelop love and commitment. While you’re waiting for your ex to fail and engage in meaningful reflection, you should work on your flaws, interests, self-love, and detachment.

Every dumpee has different shortcomings, interests, and ways to stay busy, but there are some things most dumpees could benefit from:

• engaging in the pursuit of old and new hobbies
• self-reflection and self-improvement
• spending time with friends and family
• going on vacation
• taking time off from dating
• volunteering
• reading
• journaling and therapy
• staying physically active
• forgiving the dumper
• and moving on

The time after the breakup is the most influential part of your life. If your breakup (a rejection) doesn’t give you the kick in the butt you badly need to make some healthy changes, nothing will. You’ll probably stay as you are and perhaps even blame others when things don’t go your way.

Hence, it’s important to stay busy and understand that nothing will motivate you more than a painful loss of confidence and self-esteem. At first, it will probably demotivate you. But when you realize you need to evolve to boost your chances with your ex and happiness in life, you’ll feel a strong desire or need to change your life for the better.

Improvements are needed for you to dissociate from your ex, let go of the past, and consider yourself a worthy individual, deserving of love and healthy relationships.

So instead of just waiting for your ex to have a change of heart, take back control of your life by investing in areas of your life that need the most work. If you do this right, you won’t desire your ex for long.

Soon, you’ll detach from your ex and realize that your life no longer revolves around your ex. It revolves around your goals, priorities, and the people who truly care about you.

Do you agree with what to do after no contact? What do you think you should do when your ex contacts you? Share your opinion below the post.

However, if you wish to discuss your breakup with us, click here to get in touch via our coaching program.

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.

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