When I Think Of You, I Touch Myself - Libby And Ed

“I don’t want anybody else when I think of you I touch myself..” Lyrics from the song I Touch Myself by Divinyls

Okay, I’m sure that when someone wrote this song, touching one’s self had nothing to do with an eating disorder but I often find myself humming this chorus.

Some people suffering from an eating disorder often do something called, body checking. It means exactly what it implies. When body image needs to change or weight needs to be lost, we often do more than just step on a scale.

Body checking in the mirror is common but I don’t seem to do that much. I try not to look at myself in the mirror unless it’s to brush my hair, which I can’t stand the color or style, or brush my teeth. Yes, I do have the ability to change my hair but that is for another day.

I also check my body in other ways, some I do without even thinking. My most common one is whenever I stand up, my hands go to my waist. I’m feeling for a difference in my size, how much extra I can squeeze, but often I’m doing this without realizing it. I don’t get up and say, ‘hey, why don’t you check to see if the size of your waist has changed.’ I just do it.

Another one of my checks is when I’m in the shower and shaving my armpits I’m looking to see if there is an indentation. Seriously, I’m not making this up or even really know how to explain it. Just something I check and notice because it is something that does change.

I often will walk around, one arm crossed over my body, feeling my shoulder. Again, constantly comparing it to the last time I checked which may have been two seconds ago.

The last one I do, the one less noticeable, is I wrap my hand around my wrist to make sure that my pinky and thumb still touch.

Body checking is a no-no and in treatment, if they see it, they will call you out on it. It’s like trying to break a habit by wearing an elastic band around your wrist but they are the ones snapping it. Or you can compare them to the person who slaps your hand away from your mouth when you go to bite your nails. You get my point.

Many people without eating disorders body check too. How many of you look in the full-length mirror? How many of you notice what notch your belt is? So many people do. Something you might find as normal.

What do I do if I check and things have changed? Do I panic? Internally, a little. I might tweak my diet or change my work out a bit. Will I ever give up checking? No, because even if I wanted to, I still know exactly what size clothes I’m wearing. I’m aware of what notch on my belt I’m using. I’m even aware of what notch I use on the band of my watch.

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