When The Intimacy Stops In A Relationship.

When sexual activity disappears, the couple usually ask each other, “Why aren’t we having sex?” or “Why don’t you desire me anymore?”. But those are the wrong questions. The real question is, “Why are we feeling less emotionally connected?”.

When the sex stops in your relationship, your immediate impulse is to try to fix it. To get things back on track. It’s easy to understand why people gravitate toward quick fixes, like role-playing and fantasies. That’s because trying to understand, and talk about, the loss of emotional intimacy feels so confusing, vulnerable, and risky. That’s why there are a thousand articles on how to increase the frequency of sex, but not very many on how to be more emotionally intimate.

When the sex stops in your relationship. 5 common reasons.

Many things can impact a couple’s sense of emotional intimacy. It’s different for each couple. But, here are five issues that I often see in my Couples Therapy practice.

1. Shame. For many people, a deep sense of shame gets in the way of talking about sex. The topic feels so incredibly uncomfortable, that it can be easier to just roll over and go to sleep, and give up on sex than to have an open, loving, and intimate discussion. The shame is experienced as a fear that “I’m not enough”. This fear that they’re not enough can increase as you age. As people age, and their bodies change, this sense of shame can increase. They worry that they are no longer desirable, or that their partner is disappointed by the physical limitations of their aging body.

2. Resentments. Every couple, no matter how compatible, has some issues or areas of conflict. If they haven’t been able to openly discuss these issues, the pain is never resolved and can create long-term resentments. It can be from a painful interaction last week or 50 years ago, but if the issue remains unresolved, then the pain still feels fresh, real, and alive. The couple may still get along great, enjoy being married, and function well together, but that deep intimate connection will start to show cracks.

3. Loss of Trust. Trust is a vital precursor of intimacy. If a partner loses the sense that they trust their partner, they will not feel emotionally or physically safe, and this will create a barrier to intimacy. The loss of trust may come from a major event (e.g., infidelity) or may build slowly because of a series of small issues in which an individual feels that their partner “doesn’t have their back”.

4. Feeling unheard or unseen. To feel truly connected you must feel that your partner sees you and understands who you are. You need to feel that you don’t have to put on a false front with the person you love and that they want to really hear what you have to say and to know what you are feeling inside. How can you give yourself fully to your partner, if you don’t think they see you as you are?

5. Unresolved Grief. As you age, you experience many types of grief. The deaths of friends and family, dreams are shattered (e.g., the dream of a happy marriage), illness or injury, financial distress, loss of employment, friends drift away. As we grieve, we often turn inward and pull away from the people around us. That’s a natural part of the grieving process. Generally, people are able to work through their losses and re-engage with the people in their life. But sometimes the deep sadness of grief remains trapped inside and creates a barrier between you and the world. Until that loss can be fully expressed and processed, it may feel impossible to regain that sense of connection with your partner.

How to talk to your partner about lack of intimacy