Why Can't I Enjoy Sex Like Everyone Else? - Irish Examiner

Just like some people like sport and others don’t, I simply don’t enjoy sex. Do you think that my disinterest reflects the fact that I may have, in the past, had sex with men who were not very good in bed? And is there any way I can change my attitude and learn to enjoy sex like everyone else seems to?

It sounds as if you are experiencing hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSD), a condition characterised by the kind of disinterest in sex that you describe. Women with HSD are not afraid of sexual intimacy, but they suffer from a deficiency, or absence, of sexual desire. There is no single cause. It can be triggered by biomedical factors such as disease, drugs (antidepressants, the Pill, antihypertensives, even antihistamines are common causes), or hormonal deficiencies (reduced testosterone in particular), as well as psychological factors such as life events, sexual biography or your mood.

Factors such as partner satisfaction, communication and the duration of the relationship can also contribute, so the kind of sexual partners you have chosen in the past will have played a part.

In the early days of a new relationship at least, the desire for frequent sex ought to be a primal force. However, many women who have low libidos consciously — or subconsciously — choose men who they hope won’t make too many sexual demands on them. Who you pick at the beginning will make a difference. In the absence of sexual chemistry, choosing a partner who is not particularly sexually driven, or sexually experienced, guarantees a less sexually satisfying experience. You don’t state whether you achieve orgasm during sex, but if you don’t your motivation to participate in a process that appears to provide only one-sided pleasure is certain to be diminished. It’s hard to get excited about an activity that leaves you feeling nothing, or questioning your adequacy. And the more often you have unrewarding sex, the more you embed the idea that sex is unrewarding.

One of the primary hindrances to female orgasm is male impatience and lack of experience. Before a woman can experience orgasm, her body has to go through physiological changes. Initially, sexual arousal leads to increased blood flow in the genitals and breasts. Then she experiences increased muscle tension, vaginal lubrication and the expansion of the vagina. As her excitement increases, her breasts and clitoris swell, and a “sex flush” appears over her breasts and genitals. It takes up to 20 minutes, but if she doesn’t have a partner who understands that process, or who is not interested in the quality of her experience, sex is likely to be over before she has a chance to become fully aroused.

When it comes to sex there are also differences in the way that women and men are socialised, particularly with regard to masturbation and the acceptance of expressing or acknowledging sexual desire. Masturbation is fundamental to sexual self-knowledge, but many women feel that solo sex is something secret and shameful. Meanwhile, western sexual scripts tend to present easy penetrative orgasms as the goal of sexual interaction. It’s a myth promoted in everything from porn films to romantic fiction.

For example, in a research paper titled She Exploded into a Million Pieces, two Canadian psychologists looked at how orgasms were portrayed in contemporary romance novels. They found that 94% of male orgasms and 56% of female orgasms in them were reached through penile-vaginal intercourse and a whopping 45% of those orgasms happened simultaneously. As if.

The good news is that you can learn to enjoy sex like everyone else because HSD can be treated. Your GP may advise a combination of individual and couple psychotherapy, sex therapy, hormonal treatment and possibly antidepressants if you are suffering from depression or anxiety. There is, as yet, no single definitive solution, but current thinking suggests that the best way to improve desire and response is a combination of cognitive behavioural therapy, sex therapy and supplementary testosterone.

Please email your questions to: [email protected]

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