Why Didn't The Melons Get Married? - The Oatmeal

Why didn't the melons get married?

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Because they cantaloupe!

What's brown and sticky?

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A stick.

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

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IT WAS IN TENTS

A neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender says, "for you? no charge."

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A man didn't like his haircut, but it started to grow on him.

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What do you call a nosy pepper?

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JALAPENO BUSINESS!

Why did the cookie cry?

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Because his mother was a wafer so long!

What did the Island Gobbling Sea Monster say?

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These islands aren’t Philippine me up. I need Samoa Tahiti!

What do you get when you cross a tyrannosaurus rex with fireworks?

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DINO-MITE!

Why don't blind people go skydiving?

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Because it scares the bejesus out of the dogs!

How does Hitler tie his shoes?

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with little Nazis!

Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?

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THE OUTSIDE!

Have you heard the one about the Corduroy pillow?

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It's making HEADLINES!

A drum and a cymbal fall off a cliff...

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What does a vegan zombie eat?

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Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!

Did you hear about the Hyena who drank a pint of gravy?

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He was a laughing stock!

Why did the cowboy adopt a weiner dog?

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He wanted to get a long little doggy!

What did the cobbler say when a cat wandered into his shop?

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Shoe!

What kind of music do chiropractors listen to?

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HIP-POP!

What do you get when you cross a sheep and a bee?

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A bah-humbug.

What do you do when you see a spaceman?

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PARK YOUR CAR, MAN

Why did the police officer smell?

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Because he was on duty.

How do you fix a broken tuba?

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With a tuba glue!

Why are all the frogs around here dead?

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'Cause they keep croaking!

What do sharks say when something radical happens?

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JAWESOME

What do you do with a sick boat?

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TAKE IT TO THE DOC!

What did 0 say to 8?

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Nice belt!

What did the big bucket say to the little bucket?

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You look a little pail!

what did one hat say to another?

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You stay here, I'll go on a head!

Who does a pharaoh talk to when he's sad?

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His mummy.

Why is there no gambling in Africa?

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Too many Cheetahs!

Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?

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BECAUSE IT'S POINTLESS!

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?

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He felt his presents!

How does an octopus go to war?

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WELL-ARMED

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

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PUMPKIN PI

What did one shark say to the other while eating a clownfish?

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This tastes funny.

Why did the rapper carry an umbrella?

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Fo' drizzle.

How much does a pirate pay for corn?

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A buccaneer!

Why did the pirate go to the Caribbean?

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He wanted some arr and arr.

What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked into his office?

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I can clearly see you're nuts!

Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?

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Because it's a little meteor.

What do cats eat for breakfast?

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Mice Krispies!

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the softball team?

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Because she ran away from the ball!

Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?

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Because of his coffin.

What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day?

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A FRISBEE!

What do you call a deer with no eye?

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NO IDEAR!

What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield?

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Its butt

What is invisible and smells like carrots?

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Rabbit farts

Why did the elephants get kicked out of the public pool?

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THEY KEPT DROPPING THEIR TRUNKS!

What do clouds wear under their shorts?

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THUNDERPANTS

What's the best way to carve wood?

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Whittle by whittle.

Why do milking stools only have three legs?

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'Cause the cow's got the udder!

What did the traffic light say to the car?

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Don't look, I'm changing.

What did the ghost say to the bee?

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BOO-BEE

What do you call a guy who never farts in public?

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A PRIVATE TUTOR!

What game would you play with a wombat?

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Wom.

What did the policeman say to his tummy?

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I've got you under a vest!

What do you call a man with no arms or legs who gets into a fight with his cat?

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Claude

What do you call a pig that does karate?

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A PORK CHOP

What is the definition of a good farmer?

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A MAN OUTSTANDING IN HIS FIELD!

Why is the ocean blue?

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Because all the little fish go blu, blu blu.

Why was the sand wet?

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Because the sea weed!

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs playing in the leaves?

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Russell.

What did the baby say to its mother after breastfeeding?

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Thanks for the mammaries!

What washes up on tiny beaches?

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MICROWAVES!

What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink?

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WATAAAAARR!

Why did the skeleton go to the party alone?

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He had no body to go with him!

What do you call it when a dinosaur crashes his car?

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Tyrannosaurus Wrecks

what do you do with epileptic lettuce?

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You make a seizure salad!

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?

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Both crews were marooned.

Why did the man dump ground beef on his head?

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He wanted a meatier shower!

What do you call a pony's cough?

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A LITTLE HOARSE!

What is a shark's favorite illegal substance?

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Reefer!

Two atoms are walking down the street together. The first atom turns and says, "Hey, you just stole an electron from me!" "Are you sure?" asks the second atom. To which the first atom replies, "Yeah, I'm positive!"

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