Why Do I Need Constant Reassurance In A Relationship? - NOCD

It’s normal to want a little reassurance in a relationship. You want to feel secure and make sure your partner feels the same way. But if you find yourself constantly asking whether your partner still loves you, or whether you’re with the “right” person, it can start to affect your relationship and your daily life.

While it’s natural to seek validation, doing it too often can create some tension or distance between you and your partner over time. If asking for reassurance feels unavoidable or distressing, it could signal deeper issues like relationship anxiety or relationship obsessive compulsive disorder (ROCD).

A Therapist’s Perspective

Uncertainty is a part of every relationship – and it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The difference is how some people respond to that uncertainty. 

Dr. Patrick McGrath, Chief Clinical Officer at NOCD, explains: “Some can accept these feelings as an inevitable part of their union, knowing that they can’t control their partner, or the outcome of every detail that unfolds in their relationship. Others, however, may respond to this uncertainty with an excessive amount of reassurance-seeking.”

If you find yourself constantly asking your partner whether they love you, whether they truly want to be with you, or worry they might cheat, you may recognize this pattern. Some people even seek reassurance within themselves, asking questions like: “Am I really attracted to them? Are they ‘The One?’”

But no matter how much reassurance you receive – from your partner or yourself – it may never feel like enough. 

“Many people who engage in excessive reassurance-seeking in their relationships don’t like their behavior and want to stop it,” says Dr. McGrath. “But doing so can be difficult if you don’t understand the underlying issue driving your behavior.”

Many people who engage in excessive reassurance-seeking in their relationships don’t like their behavior and want to stop it. But doing so can be difficult if you don’t understand the underlying issue driving your behavior.

The good news? Excessive reassurance-seeking is treatable. Countless people have successfully learned to manage it and regain confidence in their relationships.

You can, too.

What is Reassurance in a Relationship?

Reassurance is the need for validation or affirmation from your partner—that they have real feelings for you, see you in their life long term, or remain attracted to you. 

Some common reassurance-seeking behaviors include:

• Being hypervigilant about your partner’s moods and behaviors
• Frequently asking your partner if they find you attractive
• Repeatedly worrying that your partner is mad or annoyed at you
• Inquiring about your partner’s whereabouts
• Checking your partner’s phone to make sure they aren’t having a romantic connection with someone else
• “Testing” your partner’s interest in you
• Asking others what they think about your relationship

People often express these behaviors through specific questions or phrases, such as:

• “We’re okay, right?”
• “Are you sure you’re not mad at me?”
• “Do you think I’m ‘the One?’”
• “There’s no way we could break up, right?”
• “You’d tell me if you weren’t attracted to me anymore, wouldn’t you?”

Even with the best intentions, constant reassurance-seeking can create tension and exhaustion for both partners. If you’re noticing these patterns, seeking professional support can help strengthen communication and bring more security to your relationship.

Why Do I Need Constant Reassurance in My Relationship?

There isn’t a single reason why someone might seek constant reassurance, but Dr. McGrath shares several common themes:

• Low self-esteem: If you struggle to trust your own value, you may turn to your partner for validation
• Past breaches of trust: Experiences like infidelity can create long-lasting anxiety, leading you to frequently seek reassurance even in new relationships.
• Fear of abandonment: Worries about being left behind can make you repeatedly check in to feel secure.
• Stress, depression, or anxiety: Difficult periods can heighten the need for support and validation from your partner.
• A previous traumatic relationship: Trauma from past relationships – romantic or otherwise – can trigger reassurance-seeking to avoid repeating old pain.
• Intimacy concerns: Questions about emotional or physical closeness may lead you to seek validation about your partner’s feelings or attraction.
• Anxious attachment style: If you tend to fear abandonment, you may need more reassurance to feel secure in your relationship.
• Communication challenges: Unclear communication or feeling unheard can fuel anxiety and increase the need for reassurance.
• Relationship OCD (or ROCD): A subtype of OCD that causes obsessive doubts about your relationship and prompts constant validation-seeking.

While the reasons vary, the common thread is a desire for certainty in the relationship. Understanding the root cause can help you address it in healthier ways.

Is My Need for Reassurance Related to OCD?

Some people experience a pattern of intrusive doubts and repeated reassurance-seeking that doesn’t go away, even when their partner reassures them. This pattern can make you feel like you’re stuck in a loop: the more reassurance you get, the more you worry that it wasn’t enough.

Sometimes, this cycle is linked to relationship OCD (ROCD), a form of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). It’s important to note that not all excessive reassurance-seeking is caused by OCD. But when reassurance-seeking becomes compulsive – meaning it feels urgent, distressing, and difficult to stop – it may be connected to something deeper.

People with relationship OCD might notice paterns like:

• Needing absolute certainty about your partner’s feelings.
• Worrying that you’ve upset or alienated your partner.
• Feeling like something in the relationship is “off.”
• Seeing someone you’re attracted to and wondering if it means you might cheat or don’t truly love your partner.

The constant need for reassurance can feel overwhelming and confusing to partners that don’t understand why you need the validation. And they may be hurt or angry by your doubts about the relationship and their commitment to you. Although ROCD b

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How Can I Stop Seeking Constant Reassurance from My Partner?

If reassurance-seeking has started to feel compulsive or difficult to control, working with a therapist can help – but not all therapy approaches address this pattern in the same way. 

When reassurance-seeking is driven by relationship OCD, exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy is often recommended. ERP is different from talk therapy, since traditional psychotherapy can actually worsen OCD symptoms. Think about it: you may end up using your therapist to provide reassurance on your relationship, which—once again—only serves to reinforce the OCD rather than free you from the need for reassurance. 

ERP typically begins with small, less overwhelming triggers, like saying the word “cheating” out loud. By doing this, anxiety-inducing thoughts may come up, but instead of responding with a compulsion, you’ll learn to sit with the discomfort. This process trains your brain to realize that feared outcomes don’t happen, gradually reducing anxiety and the urge for constant reassurance. 

As your therapy progresses, you’ll work on triggers that cause a bit more distress, helping you face bigger fears at a manageable pace. With your therapist’s guidance, you’ll eventually practice these skills in everyday life.

“As an OCD specialist with decades of experience treating ROCD, I know from personal experience that ERP can allow you to feel more secure in your relationship—and your life in general,” shares Dr. McGrath. “Eventually, you won’t be riddled with distress from intrusive thoughts, images, or urges about your relationship. Your need to engage in compulsions goes away.” This allows you to live a life that feels more free, without the constant need for reassurance.

I know from personal experience that ERP can allow you to feel more secure in your relationship—and your life in general.

Bottom line

Constant reassurance seeking can feel exhausting, not only for you but also for your partner. While it may provide temporary relief, it often leads to a cycle of doubt that leaves both parties feeling frustrated and emotionally drained. 

If you find that reassurance seeking is becoming a regular pattern in your relationship, it may be time to explore the deeper reasons behind it. With the right support and treatment, you can break free from the need for constant validation and cultivate a healthier, more secure relationship.

Key takeaways

• Seeking reassurance in a relationship is normal, but when it becomes excessive, it can signal deeper issues like low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, or relationship OCD (ROCD).
• Reassurance-seeking provides temporary relief but can perpetuate a harmful cycle of doubt and dependence, impacting both partners emotionally.
• Professional support, such as exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy for ROCD, can help address underlying triggers, reduce compulsive behaviors, and foster healthier relationship dynamics.