Why Does He Do That? – Summary & Review - The Power Moves

Why Does He Do That (2002) explains and analyses the different types of abusive men, why and how they abuse women, and what you can do about it.

Contents

• Bullet Summary
• Full Summary
  • Myths About Abusers
  • The source of Abuse is His Value System
  • Early Signs of Abusiveness
  • Abusers Don’t See Themselves As Abusers
  • Abusers Won’t Change
  • Don’t Do Therapy With Abusers
  • Cultural Reinforcements
• Real-Life Applications
• Lucio’s Analysis
  • There is little scientific research, and it shows
  • Sometimes it feels a bit like a double standard
  • Christian targeting
  • Why Does He Do That? Because It Works, If You Let It
• PROS
• Review

• Most abusers don’t change
• He’s not out of control, he knows what he’s doing
• Don’t try to partition blame: the abuser is the guilty party

About The Author:Lundy Bancroft is a consultant on domestic abuse. He spent decades coaching abusive men and learned much about their psychology and personality.

Introduction

Lundy Bancroft says that the similarities among abusive men outweigh their differences.But society greatly misunderstands the widespread phenomenon of abusive men.“Why Does He Do That” provides accurate information about abuse and helps women overcome this awful phenomenon.

Myths About Abusers

Lundy starts with a list of dangerous myths that are too pervasive in our society, including psychologists and doctors.

Some myths about abusers are that they:

• Lose control
• Are otherwise good people
• Have low self-esteem
• Are insecure
• Lack education
• It’s mostly poor or minorities
• You can spot an abuser outside of their relationship
• Therapy will help

My Note: Self-esteem is a predictor of IPVBancroft shares some hard-hitting truths that some women badly need to hear. However, research shows that self-esteem is a predictor of IPV.

Therapy won’t help by making the abusers get in touch with their feelings. Abusers need to get in touch with their partner’s feelings, not their own.

Some abusers are so self-centered and have such entrenched entitlement mentality that they genuinely think they are abused by their victims.

The source of Abuse is His Value System

After he debunks a lot of myths about the causes of abuse, the author makes the point that it’s a bad value system that causes men to abuse.

Such value system includes the belief that:

• Women should serve men
• He is smarter / better than her
• He possesses her
• It’s up to him to call all the shots in the family
• He’s not abusive, it’s her who deserves it

The abusive mentality is the mentality of oppression

Early Signs of Abusiveness

Bancroft lists the following traits and red flags.

An abuser might:

• Speaks disrespectfully about exes
• Show disrespect toward you
• Make a show of generosity or do a favor you don’t want
• Be very controlling and/or possessive
• Be self-centered
• Have issues admitting fault
• Abuse of alcohol or drugs
• Move ahead too quickly with the relationship
• Treat you differently in public
• Pressure you for sex
• Intimidate you during arguments
• Have a general negative attitude toward women

It’s important though to notice that a single warning does not give you any guarantee. Many non-abusive men will show one or some of these signs to a certain degree (minus physical intimidation, which should be a clear “run away sign”).

Abusers Don’t See Themselves As Abusers

An abuser minimizes his behavior by comparing himself to men who are worse than he is, whom he thinks of as “real” abusers.If he never threatens his partner, then to him threats define real abuse.

And if he is a batterer, then it’s his wife’s fault who “knows how to push his buttons”.

Abusers Won’t Change

It’s rare for any abusers to change.

They almost never start from an intrinsic motivation because they don’t want to change and they don’t think they’re doing anything wrong.

The motivation must come from strong, extrinsic factors, such as the risk of losing their partner or major criminal consequences.After they start on the path to change, then maybe intrinsic motivation will also help.

But deep, permanent change is sadly rare.

Don’t Do Therapy With Abusers

The therapist wants the couple to work together. But a woman should not work with an abuser: that only serves to reinforce the abuser’s case.

Cultural Reinforcements

The author makes the point that our society is too lenient on abusers. For example, he says, Eminem won a Grammy for a song of his, Kim, in which he murders his wife.

The song is indeed quite terrible:

Track down previous partnersWhen in doubt and when he speaks disrespectfully about women and ex-partners talking to an ex-partner of his might save you years of misery.

And check out this article to catch the signs of a sociopath and learn the manipulative strategies of psychopaths:

I loved “Why Does He Do That“.

Yet, some parts left me unconvinced.

Standing against abuse is the only right thing to do.Let’s dig deeper:

There is little scientific research, and it shows

The author has much experience running men’s workshops.However, that may mean he has less experience from the female side.

Also, Why Does He Do That quotes little research.For example, from the research we’ve seen:

Evidence Shows That IPV Is A Two-Way Street

I want to say this first:

Many women reading ARE true victims who contributed little or nothing to abuse.Many are wonderful women who deserve and must get better.

Focus on that first, and move forward to a better life.

Now, that being said, if one wants to explore IPV properly, there is abundant research on this topic.

And the picture that emerges from research is quite different from what you may get reading this book.

To sum it up very quickly:

• Partners are a poor match and bring vulnerabilities for aggression
• The relationship is part of the issue, and turns conflictual and distressed
• Both partners participate in the aggression, with lack of communication and problem-solving skills, possible verbal provocation, and reciprocating hostile behavior that leads to physical escalation

In one picture:

by J. P. Forgas and J. Fitness, 2008, New York, NY: Psychology Press. Copyright 2008 by the Taylor & Francis Group. Adapted with permission.

For more I recommend the chapter on IPV in the APA Handbook on relationships:

Once again, if you’re reading here, it’s possible that the blame lies with your partner.

And it’s possible that your partner is just an awful person.A POS is POS, and there is no excuse for that.

IPV May Be Linked to Infidelity Fears, Suggesting Possible Solutions

Abusive behavior is linked to control, sexual proprietariness, jealousy/paranoia, and fear of infidelity.

The fear of infidelity can be imagined or, sometimes, real. A point also made in the recent Cambridge Handbook of Evolutionary Perspectives.

In a few limited cases then, a possible solution for some women may be to assuage infidelity fears.We in no way suggest this may solve most cases, or that a woman should allow anyone to monitor her: quite the opposite. But in some limited cases of women with otherwise good men who happen to be overly worried, assuaging fears may help.

In any case, this is the type of evolutionary-informed, solution-focused approach I wanted to see more of in the book.

Some Unsubstantiated Claims

Since there’s little research, quantitative analysis, and few references, some claims end up being unsubstantiated.

For example, Lundy says:

(…) although most abusers are men and most abused are female, the reasons are social and not biological.

Based on what exactly does he say?To me, this betrays a lack of evolutionary insight of this ugly phenomenon.

Sometimes it feels a bit like a double standard

Again, let me say this first: many male abusers deserve all the criticism they can get. And more.

That being said, a good analysis must still be dispassionate, and look at all sides of the equation.Lundy says that abusers criticize his program as “man-hating”.

Well, I’m sure many abusers use that as a manipulative tactic to avoid fessing up to their crimes.

But at times I also did feel like some anti-male bias.

For example, Bancroft says that “it depends” on whether physical aggression by women toward men is abuse. His rationale is that since men don’t experience physical aggression as intimidating, the long-term emotional effects are less harmful.And he adds that it’s rare to find a man who’s lost self-esteem and freedom because of her partner’s aggressiveness.

Well, I get his point, but… So what, only because the harm may –may!- be small, on average, then it’s not abuse?It still reeks of a bit of a double-standard mentality.

On another occasion, a woman asks if she is violent because she slapped or shoved his partner a couple of times.And, again, he replies with “it depends”. He says that if her actions did not harm, scare or control him, that’s not violence for him.

Then, well… Shouldn’t he say the same for men?That if his action did not harm, then it’s not abuse?

Hence, I didn’t agree with that.

Biased Toward the Plaintiff

More than once I found the book too strongly on the side of the defendant. For example, Bancroft writes:

If you report to the court that you were assaulted or threatened, or that your partner broke a restraining order, your word is evidence. Courts can, and do, file charges on the basis of victim reports alone, but tragically they can be reluctant to do so in cases of domestic abuse or sexual assault

Tragically?

Why does he say tragically?

He laments that the courts don’t (always) take the woman’s word on abuse. But he himself says somewhere else that most (but not all) abuse allegations are accurate.

So why should courte take words as evidence?

Plus, since we’re here, how does he know most allegations are accurate?I actually also think that may be the case.

But still… How does he know that?

And what about those inaccurate ones?

Lundy never says…

And he adds everyone should be very, very cautious in accepting a man’s claim that he’s been unjustly accused.That’s a big twist of the principle of innocent until proven guilty.

And hey, maybe from a number’s perspective, he’s right. But he doesn’t show numbers. And he never stops to think about the plight of false accusations (and convictions).

He never for a second admits that maybe, just maybe, sometimes plaintiffs can lie, just like pretty much anyone else in the world.

Basically what I’m getting to here is this: abusers are scumbag assholes. No bones about it. But so are liars who abuse the legal system to harm an innocent person.That also exists, can happen, has happened, and will happen again.But the author seems too feverishly lost in his (fair) crusade against abusive men to stop and consider that there are many NON-abusive men. These non-abusive men might be victims of false accusations, as they have a right to innocence before proven guilty.

Christian targeting

Lundy writes:

To make matters worse, these religious sects have greatly increased their political power around the globe over the past two decades.As a case in point, consider the growing influence of Christian fundamentalism in the United States.

Honestly, I found this misplaced.With increasingly secular Western civilization and with terrorism around the world, the author picks the example of Christian fundamentalism.

Why Does He Do That? Because It Works, If You Let It

That may be the ultimate, most disconcerting answer that Lundy never really gets into.

Abuse is widespread.And that may suggest that it’s evolution equipped some men with a predisposition towards this behavior.

For example, writes Arnocky, in the Oxford Handbook of Infidelity:

these apparently diverse acts of aggression all have in common is, broadly, their robust links to (typically) male sexual proprietariness (…) to control and monopolize women’s reproductive decisions to stymie infidelity, reduce paternity uncertainty, and prevent women’s defection from the relationship (Daly & Wilson, 1988; Taylor, 2012; Wilson & Daly, 1996)(…) repugnant and societally damaging behavior (e.g., IPV) may constitute adaptions that require ultimate (i.e., distal) explanations that relate to their functional significance (Archer & Vaughan, 2001; Daly, 2014; Vandermassen, 2011; Welling & Nicolas, 2015) (…)domestic assault appears to function primarily to prevent infidelity, whereas in-pair sexual assault seems to be a response after infidelity has been committed (Camilleri & Quinsey, 2009; Daly & Wilson, 1992; Goetz & Shackelford, 2006)

The possible adaptive nature of IPV is a point made by several researchers, including David Buss.

And that’s the powerful explanatory angle that Lundy Bancroft misses on: the evolutionary psychology one.Including an evolutionary lens would have allowed Why Does He Do That to cover all angles, from the real-life examples Bancroft shares, to the deeper “why”.

From what I’ve seen, research and power dynamics suggest:

• Some men are motivated by control and abuse is a consequence of control to prevent infidelity and defection
• Higher ‘sense of ownership’ = higher odds of controlling, and higher odds of abuse when men feel their control is slipping, or that their partner is evading their control
• Controlling behavior may have been adaptive for some context, an unfortunate truth that both good men and women must contend with to get rid of this problem

I believe that facing these uncomfortable truths is the unly way to freedom and liberation for both men and women.So here’s my intervention for you, dear reader:

Will you let this cr@p keep working on you?

Maybe it’s time to stop trying to understand him, hope he will change, or try ‘fix’ things.Maybe it’s time to move on.

Great Overview of AbuseA really, really great book to understand the phenomenon of abuse and the mentality and psychology of abusive men.

Much Needed Abuse WisdomLundy does a great job dismantling some persisting myths about abuse. Society really needs this.

Deep Psychological & Power-Related WisdomLike for example high-dominance and abusive men are annoyed when their woman is at the center of attention because they see their partner as being supportive cast to them.Or how abusive men prefer younger, less experienced, or vulnerable women because they can dominate more easily. Be aware of a man who’s attracted by power imbalances, says the author.

“Why Does He Do That” is a great book on the psychology of abusive men, relationship power dynamics, and potentially women’s empowerment.

I learned a lot with Lundy Bancroft.And I consider this book is a must-read for anyone who wants to understand not just the psychology of abusive men and toxic relationships, but also very useful for power dynamics and general psychology.Some of these traits, albeit at a much smaller scale, also drive some otherwise non-abusive men. Like power-hungry men, for example.

I believe that this already great book could would have been even better with more research, evolutionary insights, and deeper consideration of dyadic dynamics.Finally, female readers may have also benefited from more practical advice on how to handle these dynamics, or how to get out safely.

If you’re interested in that, check out:

• The types of abusive men: psychology and self-defense

Why Does He Do That Summary: How Abusers Think | TPM

A great book on the phenomenon of abusive men. Their psychology, their mindset, and how you can spot them (and avoid them)

URL: https://thepowermoves.com/why-does-he-do-that/

Author: Lucio Buffalmano