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Terms of Use wikiHow is where trusted research and expert knowledge come together. Learn why people trust wikiHow Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn (& How Should I Feel About It)? PDF download Download Article Learn why your man watches porn and figure out how to address it Co-authored by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP and Eric McClure

Last Updated: October 21, 2025 Fact Checked

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This article was co-authored by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP and by wikiHow staff writer, Eric McClure. Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers. There are 22 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources. This article has been viewed 270,230 times.

Finding out your boyfriend watches porn can make you feel sad, angry, betrayed, and insecure. What you’re feeling is totally normal, and you’re not alone. There are several reasons why your boyfriend might be watching porn and he may be open to changing his habits if that’s what you ultimately want. To help you figure out why your boyfriend might be watching porn, we met with three psychologists and therapists who work with clients just like your boyfriend every day. We even got them to offer some inside tips on how to talk to him about his pornography usage.

Should I Care if My Boyfriend Watches Porn?

Communication therapist Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP says that it’s okay to be upset if your boyfriend watches porn, although it’s perfectly normal for him to do so. Explain how you feel without judging him so that the two of you can come to a compromise and mutual understanding.

Steps

Section 1 of 3:

Why does your boyfriend watch porn?

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  1. Step 1 He enjoys watching porn and doesn't think it's a big deal. 1 He enjoys watching porn and doesn't think it's a big deal. It’s highly probable that his decision to watch porn has nothing to do with you, and he still finds you really attractive. It’s totally normal to feel betrayed and to question if you’re enough for him. However, don’t let this trick you into thinking you’re not an attractive, amazing partner—you are.[1]
    • It’s common to feel insecure when you find out your partner is watching porn. Your boyfriend doesn’t realize you feel that way, but he might understand if you talk to him.[2]
    • He might be insecure about his sexual performance and watch porn to see what he can put into practice with you.
    • Important context: Porn consumption is extremely common among both genders. Around 90% of men and 60% of women look at pornography at least once a month.[3] If you’re worried that there’s something different about your boyfriend’s porn consumption, rest assured that there isn’t.

    Meet the wikiHow Experts

    Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC is licensed professional counselor who specializes in relationship therapy.

    Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP is the head clinician of a counseling practice that treats clients battling depression, anxiety, and interpersonal relationship issues.

    Jessica January Behr, PsyD is a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in couples and sex therapy.

  2. Step 2 He uses it to masturbate. 2 He uses it to masturbate. It’s totally normal and healthy to masturbate.[4] Both you and your boyfriend need the space to masturbate when you feel like it. For some guys, watching porn is the easiest and quickest way to masturbate.[5]
    • Respect your boyfriend’s need to masturbate because it’s totally normal and healthy for him to do it. At the same time, he may be open to doing it without porn, and if you can negotiate some boundaries there, great! There is nothing wrong with him watching porn, and there’s nothing wrong with you being uncomfortable with it. This is a very common issue, and it’s 100% worth discussing together.
    • You might suggest that he use a suggestive photo or video of you to masturbate. Alternatively, you could try sexting.
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  3. Step 3 He might feel lonely if you're in a long-distance relationship. 3 He might feel lonely if you're in a long-distance relationship. Even though you’re there for him, he may sometimes turn on porn to keep him company. For some people, porn creates a feeling of intimacy, which could make him feel fulfilled. Porn activates the same part of your brain that lights up when you have sex, so if the two of you aren’t in close enough proximity for the real thing, this may be the next best thing for him.[6]
    • If this is the case, you might be able to help him feel less lonely by spending more time with him on video calls or helping him find a new interest.
  4. Step 4 He could have a much higher sex drive than you do. 4 He could have a much higher sex drive than you do. It’s totally normal for partners to have different sexual needs. Your boyfriend might need sex more often than you do. Since his desire isn’t going away, he’s decided to use porn to meet his needs. He may think that he’s respecting your desire for less sex by masturbating.[7]
    • In general, guys who watch porn don’t think they’re doing anything wrong.[8] It’s okay if you don’t feel that way, though. In that case, you’ll need to talk to him about it so you can set some relationship boundaries regarding porn.[9]
  5. Step 5 He’s exploring his sexuality, or having a sexual awakening. 5 He’s exploring his sexuality, or having a sexual awakening. This is especially common among younger men: using porn to figure out what they’re into. Nobody is born with an innate (or fixed!) sexuality. Interests, kinks, and feelings ebb and flow over time. It’s possible that your boyfriend is using porn to sort of explore his own sexual identity and see what’s “out there” that may appeal to him.[10]
    • This is also common among men who don’t receive a lot of sexual education growing up. Men who grow up in sexually repressive households may also use porn as a way to learn about different types of sex, just because they feel like they have nowhere else to go.
    • It may sound kind of hurtful if your boyfriend is having a sexual awakening without you, but he may be embarrassed to talk to you openly about it—especially if he isn’t totally confident in who he is right now. Rest assured that this scenario would have nothing to do with a lack of attraction to you.
  6. Step 6 He may be addicted to porn if it’s interfering with his life or relationships. 6 He may be addicted to porn if it’s interfering with his life or relationships. Watching porn doesn’t mean he’s addicted, but porn addiction does happen. Overcoming a porn addiction can be hard, but it’s possible with support. If you suspect your boyfriend might have a porn addiction, it’s best to see a couples counselor. Here are some signs he might be addicted to porn:[11]
    • He’s stopped having sex with you.
    • He’s asking you to engage in scenarios he saw in porn.
    • He’s neglecting his work and responsibilities.
    • He turns to porn as a coping mechanism.
    • He spends a lot of money on porn.
    • He feels powerless to stop watching porn.
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Section 2 of 3:

Talking to Your Boyfriend about Porn

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  1. Step 1 Choose a time when you’re both feeling calm. 1 Choose a time when you’re both feeling calm. Porn can really trigger a lot of emotions, so it’s totally normal to feel sad, angry, or betrayed. You have every right to feel that way, but it helps to cool down before you talk to him. He’ll be more receptive to what you have to say if you’re cool and collected.[12]
    • It might help to talk to a supportive friend before you talk to your boyfriend.
  2. Step 2 Bring up the issue in a nonjudgemental and friendly way. 2 Bring up the issue in a nonjudgemental and friendly way. Explain that you want to talk about how you both feel about porn. Talking about porn can feel awkward, but it’ll get easier.[13] You might say:
    • “I found porn in your browser history yesterday, and it surprised me. I was hoping we could discuss how often you’re looking at porn and why you feel drawn to it?”
    • “Hey, I realize we’ve never talked about our porn habits. It’s been a while since I’ve watched any porn. How often do you watch it?”
    • “I was shocked when I found porn on your phone yesterday because I thought you had stopped watching it when we got together. I realize that I wasn’t being fair to you by making assumptions. Can we talk about this?”
  3. Step 3 Tell your boyfriend why porn bothers you. 3 Tell your boyfriend why porn bothers you. Help him see things from your perspective. Be honest about how you feel, so he understands why his porn usage upsets you.[14] Use “I” language to avoid making him feel like you’re attacking him. You might say something like:
    • “Finding out you watch porn just reminds me of my flaws. I can’t help but wonder if you want to see women with bigger breasts or no stretch marks.”
    • “I felt really betrayed when I found out you watch porn. To me, that’s cheating because you’re going outside our relationship for sexual pleasure. Aren't you satisfied?”
    • “I know a lot of people watch porn, but it makes me really uncomfortable.”
    • “I didn’t realize you needed porn to masturbate. Would you be open to trying something else? Is there anything you want me to do to satisfy you?”
  4. Step 4 Explain your preferences when it comes to watching porn. 4 Explain your preferences when it comes to watching porn. Licensed professional counselor Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC says that you have a right to set your own boundaries when it comes to watching porn. Discuss these boundaries with your partner to see if you can come to an agreement.[15] You could say:
    • “It really bothers me that you’re watching porn. Would you be open to changing your habits now that we’re in a relationship?”
    • "I don't like you looking at other women, so I really want you to stop watching porn. It feels like you're cheating on me."
    • “Since it bothers me so much, would you consider giving up porn for our relationship?”
    • “You always watch the same porn actress, which makes me feel like you’re emotionally attached to her. It feels like some sort of emotional affair. Would you consider avoiding her videos?”
    • Reader Poll: We asked 268 wikiHow readers which type of cheating they’d be most hurt by, and 56% of them agreed that—besides classic cheating—they’d be most hurt by emotional infidelity. [Take Poll]
  5. Step 5 Listen to how he feels so you can come to a compromise. 5 Listen to how he feels so you can come to a compromise. It’s important to understand your boyfriend’s perspective, so ask him to explain his side.[16] Try to find a solution that makes you both feel respected and heard in your relationship.
    • He may refuse to stop, and that’s his choice. If he keeps using it, you may have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you.
    • Tenzer recommends simply asking your boyfriend what he gets out of it: “Explain to your partner your feelings about them watching pornography and maybe ask them a little bit about why they enjoy it. Maybe this opens up a conversation about your own personal sex life, fantasies, desires, or things your partner would like to try but feels nervous to bring up. Discussing these things not only strengthens your communication but can also open up a whole new world of intimacy with your partner.”[17]
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Section 3 of 3:

Expert Advice on Dealing with a Boyfriend’s Porn Consumption

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  1. Step 1 Figure out why this is so important to you. 1 Figure out why this is so important to you. Dr. Vossenkemper recommends checking in with yourself and asking yourself what it is about your boyfriend's porn use that makes you uncomfortable. Do you have insecurities, traumas, or past experiences where porn was weaponized against you? Are any instances in which you feel that him viewing porn is okay?[18] Try to gain a better understanding of your feelings around the matter.
  2. Step 2 Use “I” language when addressing the conversation about porn. 2 Use “I” language when addressing the conversation about porn. Dr. Vossenkemper says you should use language like "I feel x when y” or, “I need z.” She explains, “I would use that language model. And then I would start to honestly attempt to problem solve with my partner.”[19] Putting “I” first ensures that you don’t accidentally make your boyfriend think you’re attacking him, and it puts the emphasis on your feelings, not his actions.
  3. Step 3 Remember that your partner’s porn consumption says nothing about you. 3 Remember that your partner’s porn consumption says nothing about you. Tenzer explains, “Many people think that watching pornography feels like their partner is cheating on them, like their partner no longer desires them or they are not able to satisfy their partner sexually.”[20] This is a totally normal feeling, but it’s just not true. Porn consumption and masturbation is a private act, and it may help to remember that your boyfriend’s porn consumption doesn’t mean anything in terms of how he feels about you.
  4. Step 4 Trying to stop your partner’s porn usage is unlikely to work. 4 Trying to stop your partner’s porn usage is unlikely to work. Tenzer breaks it down like this: “Trying to control your partners' pornography use may actually backfire and result in them hiding it from you, which can weaken trust within the relationship.”[21] In other words, you’re probably best off not trying to force your boyfriend to cut it out entirely. Tenzer continues, “Maybe there’s a way to compromise? Form boundaries, have guidelines, and keep the conversation going to ensure that you are comfortable with your partner's activity.”[22]
  5. Step 5 Porn can be a healthy habit so long as it’s not interfering elsewhere. 5 Porn can be a healthy habit so long as it’s not interfering elsewhere. Moderation is key, according to Tenzer. She says, “Contrary to popular belief, watching pornography is actually a healthy habit as long as it is used within reason and does not overtake other aspects of life.”[23] If your boyfriend’s porn usage isn’t causing issues in his life, it’s probably harmless.
  6. Step 6 It’s 100% okay to be bothered, even if his porn consumption isn’t wrong. 6 It’s 100% okay to be bothered, even if his porn consumption isn’t wrong. Two things can be true at the same time: his porn habit can be harmless, and you are valid in your feelings about it not being harmless. Licensed clinical psychologist Jessica January Behr, PsyD says, “Anything that's happening in your relationship, if it's making you feel unsafe or uncomfortable, it is valid to bring up with your partner."[24] If it bothers you, talk about it. It doesn’t matter whether he’s doing anything right or wrong—you have the right to feel secure and happy in your relationship.
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Expert Q&A

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Tips

  • If you feel comfortable, consider watching porn with your boyfriend. This may improve your sex life and could be a good compromise.[25] Thanks Helpful 0 Not Helpful 4
  • Your boyfriend is the only one who can truly tell you why he watches porn, so it’s helpful to have a conversation about it. Thanks Helpful 20 Not Helpful 2
  • You can’t force your boyfriend to change, but your feelings are important. Your relationship won’t work if you can’t find a compromise that makes you both happy. Thanks Helpful 20 Not Helpful 6

Tips from our Readers

The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
  • Even if it is normal for most men to watch porn, it doesn't make you wrong or unreasonable to be unhappy about your boyfriend watching it. Tell him why it makes you uncomfortable and talk to him about what he gets out of the practice. Try to come to a mutual understanding that works for both of you.
  • Porn is fake. However, your boyfriend may not know that. If he starts to try things in the bedroom that make you feel uncomfortable, tell him to stop. You are under no obligation to act out the things he sees in porn movies.
Submit a Tip All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published Name Please provide your name and last initial Submit Thanks for submitting a tip for review! Advertisement

Warnings

  • Experts are divided about whether or not porn has harmful effects. However, porn can make some people desire unrealistic sexual scenarios and can make some people dependent on porn for sexual satisfaction.[26] If this happens, working with a couple’s counselor can help. Thanks Helpful 5 Not Helpful 0
  • Porn can be a problem in your relationship if your boyfriend is lying to you about it or keeping secrets. Additionally, it might be an issue if he's choosing porn over sex with you.[27] Thanks Helpful 7 Not Helpful 0
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References

  1. ↑ https://www.regain.us/advice/general/why-does-my-boyfriend-watch-porn-exploring-the-differences-in-healthy-sexuality-and-porn-addiction/
  2. ↑ https://www.apa.org/monitor/2014/04/pornography
  3. ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30358432/
  4. ↑ https://www.nm.org/conditions-and-care-areas/behavioral-health/pornography-addiction
  5. ↑ https://healthymale.org.au/health-article/how-overcome-pornography-addiction-psychologists-guide
  6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/experimentations/201803/4-ways-porn-use-causes-problems
  7. ↑ https://thewell.northwell.edu/dear-doctor/porn-watching
  8. ↑ https://counseling.utdallas.edu/resources/pornography-addiction/
  9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sexual-intelligence/201908/does-watching-porn-count-cheating
More References (18)
  1. ↑ https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/13691058.2023.2213750
  2. ↑ https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4600144/
  3. ↑ https://jedfoundation.org/resource/how-to-improve-communication-skills-in-your-relationship/
  4. ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
  5. ↑ https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/articles/honesty-in-relationships
  6. ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview
  7. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/5-easy-ways-to-communicate-better-in-your-relationships/
  8. ↑ Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Communication Therapist. Expert Interview
  9. ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview
  10. ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview
  11. ↑ Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Communication Therapist. Expert Interview
  12. ↑ Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Communication Therapist. Expert Interview
  13. ↑ Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Communication Therapist. Expert Interview
  14. ↑ Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Communication Therapist. Expert Interview
  15. ↑ Jessica January Behr, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
  16. ↑ https://extension.usu.edu/relationships/research/effects-of-pornography-on-relationships
  17. ↑ https://caps.ucsc.edu/resources/porn-addiction.html
  18. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/sex/2011/05/does-watching-porn-affect-intimate-relationships-part-one-men#1

About This Article

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP Co-authored by: Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP Therapist This article was co-authored by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP and by wikiHow staff writer, Eric McClure. Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers. This article has been viewed 270,230 times. How helpful is this? Co-authors: 8 Updated: October 21, 2025 Views: 270,230 Categories: Addictions In other languages Portuguese French Dutch German Spanish Turkish Thai Indonesian Hindi Vietnamese Czech Japanese
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