Why Narcissists Use Silent Treatment - Melanie Tonia Evans

Narcissistic silent treatment is something that virtually every narcissist delivers skillfully.

Ironically it’s the horrible blow that they themselves are terrified of – being rendered invalid, invisible and totally redundant. We all know what it is to ignore or be ignored – we may have snubbed someone at sometime in our life, or we may have been given the “cold shoulder” ourselves. We all clearly know silent treatment means this: “I disapprove of you or something you’ve done”.

However, this cruel action – narcissistic silent treatment – is a lot more impactful than merely being brushed off by someone. In one of my articles regarding the passive-aggressive narcissist we looked into the ultimate weapon they use – narcissistic silent treatment – yet in today’s article I want to go into this in more detail, to really help you understand this tactic that virtually every narcissist, at some stage, will use.

Narcissists purposefully punish with narcissistic silent treatment; it is used to teach the person it is directed at a lesson. The insane thing about it is, the narcissist may decide to grant no explanation whatsoever for days, weeks, months or even a lifetime. Truly, there are people who experience narcissistic silent treatment who never have any explanation or closure as to why this is happening.

In fact, at first, they thought something terrible had happened to the narcissist and that’s why he or she ‘disappeared’. But, usually, this is a pattern and we discover once this happens, it will continue to happen again and again.

The sad thing is, so many people trapped in narcissistic relationships have tried to do everything they can to prevent the absolute horror of narcissistic silent treatment – being treated as if they no longer exist. They hand over more boundaries, rights and desires and give the narcissist more of what the narcissist wants, hoping this will stop the stonewalling and disappearing acts, but to no avail. These cruel acts continue to happen, for no valid reason.

Be very clear about this – silent treatment is about invaliding your existence, and narcissists can apply this in several different ways.

Please know, if the narcissist is using this weapon against you, and you stick around to receive it – it will keep coming – until the often inevitable ultimate discard.

Narcissistic Silent Treatment After a Breakup

This form of narcissistic silent treatment is a biggie. I have heard so many people in this Community, even after decades with a narcissist and sharing children, when discarded (and usually replaced) being shell-shocked at how the narcissist is capable of shutting them out, and not giving a damn.

They are devastated to experience that the narcissist will not offer any explanation or grant any form of compassion – and is not interested in anything other than forgetting them and getting on with his or her life. The horror of being discarded like yesterday’s garbage, after years of service and devotion, is unspeakable.

It’s so sad that many of these discarded people were long ago been trained into accepting a relationship that was all about the narcissist and very little about them. Even so, they feel like they can’t imagine life without the narcissist. Now the narcissist won’t return their calls, won’t deal with them face to face and is leaving everything up to their solicitors. It is like No Contact has been reversed, the narcissist is the one executing it – with unyielding deliberate force.

This continues, unless the new source of supply is not working out, then the narcissist may return as if nothing happened. This is what many long-suffering partners of narcissists have dealt with for years. Affairs, discard, silent treatment, return, false promises … and the cycle inevitably happens all over again, until it finally is the end (which usually comes).

Is it guilt causing the narcissist to cut themselves off from their previous spouse and sometimes even their family? No, the narcissist will have their self-serving justifications for doing what he or she has done, and the ex-spouse has already been degraded and reduced in value in the narcissist’s psyche to someone who needs to be dispensed of, totally confirming the narcissist’s version of things.

The pulling away and not returning any contact is something narcissists can do with any relationship. What is so painful, when the narcissist walks away and ignores you without a backward glance, is the suddenness, severity and finality that you feel. Possibly, seemingly moments before, you were being told you were desired and valued, and then you are meaningless and not wanted.  Narcissists switch from adoring you to abhorring you on a dime.

Over the last fourteen years I have heard so many versions of the capacity of narcissistic silent treatment – ranging from long-term marriages with narcissists all the way to brief flings where narcissists told people incredible stories such as, they are the narcissist’s Soul Mate, and they are destined life partners, only to have the narcissist then vanish into thin air, totally uncontactable – leaving them devastated, shattered and reeling.

If this has happened to you, you may obsess about, “Didn’t s/he also feel the intense connection, that I did?” The truth was – no, you were simply being used to gratify the narcissist’s False Self during the time you spent together.

Everyday Narcissistic Silent Treatment

When the narcissist is suffering some form of narcissistic injury, when they cannot self-medicate their inner self-annihilating critic with enough narcissistic supply, he or she may decide to punish you with narcissistic silent treatment.

This can be a cruel game, like a cat tormenting a mouse, because you will ask the narcissist what is wrong, and maybe even enquire if have you done something to hurt them. You may get cryptic short answers or simply more of being ignored. Either way, the narcissist is screwing with your noodle, because there is no real explanation and you have no idea what is going on.

You are likely to react because this triggers deep insecurities within you. If you don’t and you remain calm the narcissist will simply up the ante and make sure they keep ignoring you until you do react.

Once you react, you have entered the ring where the narcissist has you pinned in the corner. Now he or she can twist things, blame you, or leave, adding the cruelty of abandonment on top of narcissistic silent treatment. Of course, this is likely to prompt you to get upset. Now the narcissist has you exactly where he or she wants you – emotionally incapacitated, deranged and hooked, and fully handing attention over to them.

Things like the following are likely to happen – the narcissist switches their phone off, and you leave numerous missed calls, which the narcissist later showcases to everyone convincing people that you are abusive, controlling and crazy. This, of course, gleans tons of narcissistic supply from the narcissist’s audience in the process.

I experienced this in my narcissistic relationship, as I know many of you have. After getting hooked in and further abused (including smeared to all and sundry) so many times, I sometimes succeeded in detaching. The narcissistic silent treatment would go on for days on end, and even though I was feeling so low, worthless and intensely insecure and panicked I would do everything I could not to bite and get involved.

So he changed tactics. After realising I wouldn’t hook in, he would erupt and attack me for ignoring him and not caring about him and clearly, I must be having an affair because I wasn’t connecting with him. It didn’t matter how many times I told him he started it – he again, with precise narcissistic expertise, would have me so confused and bamboozled I had no idea what had really happened.

The truths were, in regard to his narcissistic silent treatment at home, I was damned if I went in to try to pull him out of it, and I was damned if I didn’t.